AND ANOTHER WEEK

It has been another week since I have had time to write. I may try to write weekly now since it seems like I never get the chance to write anymore. Where to begin, I worked all week all daylights, had very little down time but to sleep and relax. Work is going really well, I am starting 3 to 11s this week. I am still orienting and its going well, no complaints other than my lack of sleep things are fine with work. I had some weird emotions this week though, to be honest IDK why. Nothing crazy or anything but some down thoughts crossed my mind. The announcement of maybe going state put me on edge I guess. There are talks that the facility may go state mandated which would mean big changes and guess who will be out of a job, ME. There is a possibility that they'd have to let me go because I can't work in a state place with my record. These changes aren't official yet and wouldn't take place for a while but the thought of losing my job hurt. IDK what is to come of this but I hope it doesn't happen. Not just for me but for the sisters. That is there home, it shouldn't be public. IDK I am not worrying about it too much, I have a lot going on to try and learn all the things I need to do, so I am focusing on the here and now not that. I have reminders daily of all I went through, of killing someone but I am not letting it destroy me. I am using it to empower me to be the best nurse I can be. Another thing is I really miss my grandma. Working with these women reminds me of her. I took care of her for two years, and these sick ladies I care for need the same kind of care I gave to her. I know shes up in heaven and shes so proud of me but it just sucks that I can't talk to her about it. She was a nurse too and she loved to hear about what I was doing. I wish I could talk to her about caring for the sisters but she already knows. Like I said I have had some weird emotions this week. The week ahead should be a good one though, I work today and tomorrow then have a few days off then wok the weekend, all 3 to 11 so Ill have sleep but won't get to do anything really or see anyone. Its fine though work comes first! I will be starting school in a month and I am really excited about it. I have everything ready, and I am going to buy a laptop with the money I am making so I can have my own personal computer to do my school work on. I am such a dork when  it comes to school, I was so happy to buy notebooks and pencils and stuff lol I don't think its a bad thing its just who I am! =P Another thing that was on my mind is the damn starfish! The starfish story (starfish thrower) was one of the philosophies of the placement facility I was in. The starfish represents overcoming what I have been through and changing for the better, to me anyways but my family went to the ocean this past week and came back with gifts and of course my mom brought me a starfish necklace. For my birthday this year she also bought me everything with a starfish on it. Starfish flip flops and salt and pepper shaker. Yes my mom went a little overboard on the starfish, she always buys me things with a starfish on it. I know that she is proud of who I am now and that is the reason why she floods me with starfish apparel but subtly is better, I feel. I put the starfish picture up today and have been thinking of getting a small starfish tattoo ( I think my mom would approve of that tattoo) but I don't wanna be fully decked out in starfishes! I mean I like that beach but come on! I just feel like its a constant reminder of not only the good but the bad. Its like hey I know you were a horrible person at one time but you're a starfish now. IDK I guess its just my mood this week. I am human I am allowed to feel down and disagree with things, I need to let myself feel and not always just be OK all the time. Sometimes I wanna scream or cry not just be a perfect starfish. I may have come along way from where I once was but the healing isn't complete, I haven't earned all my sea legs just yet.