An update, I suppose. Making moves, not sure if they're the right ones.

We're closing on two years since the breakup that broke me. There are some ways in which I'm pretty proud of myself.  There are a few things I'm content with, and of course there are always things I'm not happy with. 

I started a new job this week.  I haven't worked since I had to go on a medical leave in June 2018 for neuropathy and related complications.  That was also in the midwest, not New England.  I'm doing what I used to do, or rather, what I was supposed to do on paper.  Previously I worked for a building materials giant that treats their employees like garbage on a near WalMart level.  I had a sales quota, but no commission, and I was also running a sister department without any compensation.  Now I work at a small, family owned, contractor focused company that appreciated my knowledge and work, and treats their employees as well as their customers.  I get a small commission, and I'm not expected to pick up anybody else's slack.  My base pay is significantly higher also.

I don't have any formal education, and my only real experiences with job searching were with massive coporations, so I had myself convinced that I couln't go anywhere else and do any better without going back to school (which I don't really want to do) despite having amassed a ton of practical knowledge and experience as well as building an impressive list of business contacts.  It feels good to be appreciated.  I haven't had any work anxiety yet at all, and my pain level has been pretty low.  All in all, this is a win, and I do feel good about it.  I also need Jeep parts and weed seeds, so.. paycheck is good.

I'm in a healthy, if imperfect, relationship with a woman who loves the shit out of me.  I love her too, very much.  I'm not in love with her yet, and she very much is with me, and it causes a bit of friction sometimes.  We're both kind of broken, and sometimes on her bad days she convinces herself that something is keeping it from happening.  Sometimes it's her, sometimes it's my ex, sometimes it's something random, but I have bad days too, and we both understand that.  We don't make decisions when we're manic, we use a "solution or comfort" system for addressing issues, we respect each other, and we have maintained an honesty and oppenness policy for a little over a year now.  I don't know what's keeping me from being all in. I really don't. We're starting to look for homes or homebuilders, and that's scary without being 100% committed.  I want to be, I promise.

The girl has three kids.  Three.  I've known I didn't want want kids since I was 9 years old.  The boy, the toddler.. he and I have gotten accustomed to each other, and we do pretty well.  He's a little broken himself, and is very teary, especially when he can't be physically and visually connected to his mom, but I think he'll grow out of a lot of that.  The older two, the girls.. my goodness.  The older one is fine.  We get along.  She's just a moody preteen and.. I'm her mom's boyfriend.  Mostly it's fine.  The middle one is another story.  I have a background in force-free dog training.  I paid my dues, read Skinner's learning theory and whatnot, the four quadrants and shit, classical conditioning, I'm good at that shit, I understand it.  I don't understand this kid.  She's incredibly sensitive to how she's treated, but is a nightmare to everybody else, then refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing, big cries when sent to her room, and just generally reacts irrationally to things.  Like I said, I'm on the R+ train.  I don't yell, I certainly don't spank, and I talk to them like people, not babies.  When there's a punishment, I explain it and let them say their piece.  That middle one, though, holy shit. 

It's frustrating also that there has never been any discipline in their lives to this point.  Their dad stayed home (not because they wanted to have and could afford a stay at home parent) and parented with TVs and tablets.  He had no respect for her, so they don't either.  She worked her ass off and was exhausted and depressed, so they didn't get it there either, and here I am, the interloper, the asshole by default, and I have to be the one to teach them basic manners.  It's kinda bullshit.  I'm not a disciplinarian by any means, but like.. the girls will decide they're done with what they're eating and just drop it on the floor.  When given a basket of clean laundry, they hide it under furniture, in the closet, and in the hamper rather than putting it away, they feel like they're entitled to all the comforts they're afforded without ever doing anything to help or earn them.  It's extremely frustrating. One's double digits, and the other is close, and it's like I'm running a preschool. Then they spend the weekend with their father, and they come back assholes again.  He's erased everything we've worked on.  When he does discipline, it's finger-in-the-face yelling, "You represent this family and you're embarrassing the family name" so on so forth.  I'm not a fan of the dude.  Not at all.

Having said that, I did move in.  My pup too.  The kids love him, he loves and takes care of them, in neurotic shepherd ways.  We're in the city for now, but it's a small one close to the woods where I grew up, and we're looking to move somewhere with some space and trees.  I can wait it out.

Neuropathy is well managed.  Anxiety is pretty decent.  Depression has been a tough one.  Been trying every standalone antidepressant in the world, it seems like.  They don't help enough to justify the side effects.  It's always at least two of the following:  Fatigue, overeating, dark intrusive thoughts, sexual side effects.  No bueno.  I've tried like 5, and my psychiatrist just went to jail, so... we'll see.  I have a new therapist, and I think we're making progress faster than with my old one.  I still see him once a month in more of a life coaching capacity.  That's what he's best at.  He gives me little goals and homework.  Been good.

I'm collecting shitboxes again.  Jeep, CRV, bus, Forester... and I accidentally bought a motorcycle.  (Don't ask.)  Not so much of a problem with an income.  I'm almost out from under all the adult shit from my past life.  I owe $1200 more on my last collection, my credit score is acceptable again, the divorce has been official for a while.  I still need to go get my shit out of the garage and driveway.  That means saying goodbye to my Monte Carlo.  Sucks, but it's time.  I want to do other shit. She needs to go to somebody who can restore her to the condition she deserves.

Time to address the elephant in the room, the bad ex.  She's still the source of most of my intrusive thoughts and flash anxiety.  I still miss her.  I still think she's the most physically beautiful human being I've ever seen.  I occasionally still lust after her.  But I haven't made any kind of contact. I had to hate her to survive, and I hate it.  It's not fair that she's still fucking my shit up this much. 

That's about it.  Sorry, I'm a garrulous motherfucker.  I'm a lot of things, but I'm working on them.