An update

It's been awhile since I've been on DS not just reading the updates in my email. I've gotten better, a little bit more postive and compleated a 3 month culanary corse in December and have a Serv Safe certifect which means that I know how to handel food in a manner that prevents foodborn illness and comtamation. BHut my real goal is to evebtally work for NAMI(national allince for the meantally ill) in spreading hope for those challenged with mental illness espally borderline sufferers. I don't like the stygma attached to the dissorder even amonge the meantal health community. I would like to go to collage and study psycollagy and help treat other borderlines overcome and cope with their illness. I think that's my calling why I'm here and suffer from it, to hepl others and give back to the community who helped me. I want to be a ray of hope. It might take time and I have to better myself and work on the hard issues but I truelly belive that it's possable to do this. The edutation in collage might not happen because of money but working for NAMI is going to happen one day. I'm much stronger than what my family thinks. Stronger thaen the ones who are alive because I don't think they could handel what I feel and go through. Stronger then my male frend/ex boyfriend who abonded me as a friend since his current girkfriend has issues and he can't stand up for himself and say that there is no more to us as dating that it ended 7 years ago( he broke off our friendship last year in the end of May). Most of my journy of recovering with my illness is without the support of friends or family only the people who treat mental illness as I'm in a partal hospatls adult program. I have little frienda untill latley and my familly thinks that I'm fakeing this since they think I don't want to work. or it's my fault that I'm this way that I deserved to get raped. I don't need them anymore, their high faluant attaudes twoards me like their perfect and have no faults. All thet ever did was put me down and called me stupid and told me that I didn't feel right since my emotions were/are extreame. That I have to agree with everything that they say and not to upset them if they say something negtive about me because they belive that it's true. Or have my mother 'protect' me from life when she didn't do that for me when I was growing up and people made snarky comments about me. I don't need or want it now. I want to face life on life's terms and be accountable for my actions, postive and negtive. I want to make my own mistakes and learn from them, fight my own battles and ask foe help when I meat a block or impass. Do things for me without feeling guilty because that not what they wanted me to be To be my own person when I figure out who I am, and the ability to find out that. I want to be able to learn how to feel agine. Even if the emointions are intense, because I want to learn how to work with them so I can learn how not to react strongely to things that go wrong or rub me the wrong way. I know that's alot to expect fome myself but I'm breaking it down into steps that I can achive over time. I would love help outside my case worker and the other staff who run the groups at my program. But that a topic for another day. But for now, even though I'm in l little down phase from being up for 13 days without being manic I'm fine with myself and have not had fellings of cutting myself for a year. I know that they come and go and that I have to accept that for now. Goodness this is long and thanks foe those who read this and any comments would be helpful. Peace. Ponygirl out