an open hand...
I started thinking about my hand...I lifted it and laid my hand open, palm up and considered all the possibilities that lie within each of us.
I looked at the lines and marveled at my own strength despite illness, storms, journeys, challenges...decisions, sins, accomplishments and then discarded all those words in favor of the future, beginning with today.
How I use this hand, this body, this creativity, this strength...opens a world of possibilities. It keeps me humble, celebrating & nurturing ideas that lie in the palm of my hand.
No Alice, I haven't fallen down the Rabbit Hole...indulge me a bit...if you have the time or inclination...
Going through a flare I am barely aware of the world around me...recently I remarked that I felt as if I was turning into cotton fabric, so enmeshed in pajamas, sheets and blankets...that is the extent of my world many days on end. Too ill to listen to anything audio, read or even open my eyes, wishing for complete and utter silence. Migraines are kudzu. They take over every part of me and I long for peace, utter silent peace.
I barely recognize my body, my self as I struggle to turn over, to right my body, to get up, to walk a step....I hold onto the nightstand, then the armoire, then the doorway, the counter...you see I don't see myself as disabled although I am living a challenging life. I just see that next step and do my best to take it. Is it survival? Bravery? Is it mind over matter? Is it God stripping away all that is unimportant, so I can see and know what is?
I live in the real world, albeit a small and quiet one within the confines of my small home. It is just me and the kitty...as I gain a measure of wellness, my mind becomes quiet again, the pain of the migraines has left, in its wake is a flare. I did some occupational therapy, nothing like O.T. for what ails you....there is truth in that expression, if you don't use it, you will lose it. So I did tasks and got hit hard. This tightrope is hard to walk on, it is a new skill...how to maintain my balance, how to know when to go forward and when to go back to the safety of the platform high above the crowds.
Chronic illness is my tightrope and even though I have learned a great deal...I am not a natural. I have to continue to learn, perfect my skill, my level of awareness. It is a challenge, not a burden. It is just one part of me, sometimes it threatens to take all of me, but I have faith....such faith that I can learn from my Father....he plans for me to grow and learn and gain new insight from this.
I am calmer, happier and more content in my thinking than I have ever been in all of my life...isn't that amazing? Despite the level of difficulty, I am alive. I have moments, then hours, then days of doing better. It is not an opponent, or a dragon or a villain...it just is...so I will learn from this, I will continue to embrace this...my life, my choice is to have joy even when I fall. My decision is to pray, to give thanks...to continue to shine, to be a little light in a world threatened by darkness. To have appreciation for my open palm...to imagine the fluttering of wings resting upon that hand...to imagine all that I can reach for, dream of, create and explore. To hold someone else's hand when they are struggling or feeling isolated, lonely...and yes, to take a hand offered in friendship, to bring me comfort, safety and warmth.
I can remember all the feelings of weary discontent. I often felt consumed by it when reality had given me much...so many opportunities and choices...I squandered talent, time...sometimes I withheld or gave affection and attention to the wrong things or people...but now I have this small hand more often cold than warm, but it is attached to a beating heart, a compassionate soul...a dream of today leading me into the future.
My hand is just the beginning...I have much in me to offer, I have been gifted with the opportunity to use that which is best in me...to nurture it, to grow this seed of hope...to listen, to share, to dream, to become a better stronger woman confident...
If I am a rope, I can choose to use it to climb higher or remain tied up in knots.
If I am a stone, I can use it to line my fire pit and get warm or I can throw it and cause destruction.
If I am a voice, I can use reason, kindness, love and spread hope or I can rip, tear and shred those who dare to dream or speak out.
If I am an environment I can choose to let flowers grow & bloom within my rocky, sandy desert or I can see nothing but the vastness and lose the simple beauty of who and what I am.
I am alone most of the time, my needs are simple, my love grows stronger. Love of God, self and others. I have an open hand...to reach out, to hold on, to lift, to plant, to flourish in this life exactly the way I am.
I looked at the lines and marveled at my own strength despite illness, storms, journeys, challenges...decisions, sins, accomplishments and then discarded all those words in favor of the future, beginning with today.
How I use this hand, this body, this creativity, this strength...opens a world of possibilities. It keeps me humble, celebrating & nurturing ideas that lie in the palm of my hand.
No Alice, I haven't fallen down the Rabbit Hole...indulge me a bit...if you have the time or inclination...
Going through a flare I am barely aware of the world around me...recently I remarked that I felt as if I was turning into cotton fabric, so enmeshed in pajamas, sheets and blankets...that is the extent of my world many days on end. Too ill to listen to anything audio, read or even open my eyes, wishing for complete and utter silence. Migraines are kudzu. They take over every part of me and I long for peace, utter silent peace.
I barely recognize my body, my self as I struggle to turn over, to right my body, to get up, to walk a step....I hold onto the nightstand, then the armoire, then the doorway, the counter...you see I don't see myself as disabled although I am living a challenging life. I just see that next step and do my best to take it. Is it survival? Bravery? Is it mind over matter? Is it God stripping away all that is unimportant, so I can see and know what is?
I live in the real world, albeit a small and quiet one within the confines of my small home. It is just me and the kitty...as I gain a measure of wellness, my mind becomes quiet again, the pain of the migraines has left, in its wake is a flare. I did some occupational therapy, nothing like O.T. for what ails you....there is truth in that expression, if you don't use it, you will lose it. So I did tasks and got hit hard. This tightrope is hard to walk on, it is a new skill...how to maintain my balance, how to know when to go forward and when to go back to the safety of the platform high above the crowds.
Chronic illness is my tightrope and even though I have learned a great deal...I am not a natural. I have to continue to learn, perfect my skill, my level of awareness. It is a challenge, not a burden. It is just one part of me, sometimes it threatens to take all of me, but I have faith....such faith that I can learn from my Father....he plans for me to grow and learn and gain new insight from this.
I am calmer, happier and more content in my thinking than I have ever been in all of my life...isn't that amazing? Despite the level of difficulty, I am alive. I have moments, then hours, then days of doing better. It is not an opponent, or a dragon or a villain...it just is...so I will learn from this, I will continue to embrace this...my life, my choice is to have joy even when I fall. My decision is to pray, to give thanks...to continue to shine, to be a little light in a world threatened by darkness. To have appreciation for my open palm...to imagine the fluttering of wings resting upon that hand...to imagine all that I can reach for, dream of, create and explore. To hold someone else's hand when they are struggling or feeling isolated, lonely...and yes, to take a hand offered in friendship, to bring me comfort, safety and warmth.
I can remember all the feelings of weary discontent. I often felt consumed by it when reality had given me much...so many opportunities and choices...I squandered talent, time...sometimes I withheld or gave affection and attention to the wrong things or people...but now I have this small hand more often cold than warm, but it is attached to a beating heart, a compassionate soul...a dream of today leading me into the future.
My hand is just the beginning...I have much in me to offer, I have been gifted with the opportunity to use that which is best in me...to nurture it, to grow this seed of hope...to listen, to share, to dream, to become a better stronger woman confident...
If I am a rope, I can choose to use it to climb higher or remain tied up in knots.
If I am a stone, I can use it to line my fire pit and get warm or I can throw it and cause destruction.
If I am a voice, I can use reason, kindness, love and spread hope or I can rip, tear and shred those who dare to dream or speak out.
If I am an environment I can choose to let flowers grow & bloom within my rocky, sandy desert or I can see nothing but the vastness and lose the simple beauty of who and what I am.
I am alone most of the time, my needs are simple, my love grows stronger. Love of God, self and others. I have an open hand...to reach out, to hold on, to lift, to plant, to flourish in this life exactly the way I am.
Replies
YOUR BEATIFULL LADY. WITH A HAND THAT IS LIKE GOLD BY YOUR WRITING. GOOD NIGHT RUTHMAIE. GOD BLESS SPECIALADT54
Thanks so much..they diagnosed the cause as arthritic migraines. I can also get them occasionally from food, sensitivity to salt, preservatives, MSG and the chemicals in the environment. I am careful of what I eat and avoid the triggers. But primarily it is from all the bulging discs, bone spurs and arthritis in my neck and shoulders. I haven\'t had a shot in my neck or back in a long time, back burnered it and it has caused a severe increase in migraine activity. I was in some major car accidents, rear ended by vehicles at high rates of speed. It caused some major damage, but I can walk, run no, skip never, fly up the stairs, not a chance, but I am mobile...pretty awesome when you think about it...after the last accident my best friend got really upset with me, felt that I had lied by not telling her immediately what had happened...spilled the details, talked about the injuries. I was so joyous that I lived...that I was still here, would get to raise my children...that seemed so much bigger and life affirming than the accidents ....thanks for the link and the kindness!
Beautiful writing Marie! You are so expressive and such a blessing! It is your spiritual gift perhaps, to be a teacher. You are using your gift. PTL. In spite of your horrendous circumstances you see the bigger picture. The picture of God holding His hand out to your hand and guiding you along a rough pathway till we reach the end. He said that this life would be difficult. It is.
You have an attitude of gratitude despite your trials, RuthMarie. That\'s a hard thing to come by. I just know that you inspire me to be all that I can be, with the Lord\'s help, no matter how physically limited I may be.
That \"little light\" of yours....I see it shinning!! xoxo
Chocolate is my biggest offender for migraines. To bad too because I love it. You have a beautiful mind and heart. Your writing is like poetry. Naomi xo
I have some trigger foods too, but avoid them, the arthritic migraines are more than enough right now...still hanging in though...can\'t believe that sweet melty chocolate would dare be mean to you...I remember some doc telling me years ago that I was not craving chocolate, I was craving magnesium...I said no, I\'m pretty sure it that warm, ooey gooey sweetness...but if you make magnesium covered chocolates, I\'ll give them a whirl...I was pmsing that day!!!! Hugs, thanks for compliment...I just start typing and it falls out through my fingers, so I don\'t know if I can take the credit...God is lighting the candle inside me and spreading light to go the distance, accept these things and praise him for EVERYTHING (if you got to do it, go through it anyway, spend time while you\'re there in PRAISE...the Omnipotent One sure likes to keep us all challenged! Heh Heh...
As you look at that hand of yours, please remember also how many of us here that it has touched. You are a blessing to so many! Love to you, dear one.
So happy to be able to read your words, thoughts and prayers. Everyone here loves you RuthMarie.