an open hand...
I started thinking about my hand...I lifted it and laid my hand open, palm up and considered all the possibilities that lie within each of us.
I looked at the lines and marveled at my own strength despite illness, storms, journeys, challenges...decisions, sins, accomplishments and then discarded all those words in favor of the future, beginning with today.
How I use this hand, this body, this creativity, this strength...opens a world of possibilities. It keeps me humble, celebrating & nurturing ideas that lie in the palm of my hand.
No Alice, I haven't fallen down the Rabbit Hole...indulge me a bit...if you have the time or inclination...
Going through a flare I am barely aware of the world around me...recently I remarked that I felt as if I was turning into cotton fabric, so enmeshed in pajamas, sheets and blankets...that is the extent of my world many days on end. Too ill to listen to anything audio, read or even open my eyes, wishing for complete and utter silence. Migraines are kudzu. They take over every part of me and I long for peace, utter silent peace.
I barely recognize my body, my self as I struggle to turn over, to right my body, to get up, to walk a step....I hold onto the nightstand, then the armoire, then the doorway, the counter...you see I don't see myself as disabled although I am living a challenging life. I just see that next step and do my best to take it. Is it survival? Bravery? Is it mind over matter? Is it God stripping away all that is unimportant, so I can see and know what is?
I live in the real world, albeit a small and quiet one within the confines of my small home. It is just me and the kitty...as I gain a measure of wellness, my mind becomes quiet again, the pain of the migraines has left, in its wake is a flare. I did some occupational therapy, nothing like O.T. for what ails you....there is truth in that expression, if you don't use it, you will lose it. So I did tasks and got hit hard. This tightrope is hard to walk on, it is a new skill...how to maintain my balance, how to know when to go forward and when to go back to the safety of the platform high above the crowds.
Chronic illness is my tightrope and even though I have learned a great deal...I am not a natural. I have to continue to learn, perfect my skill, my level of awareness. It is a challenge, not a burden. It is just one part of me, sometimes it threatens to take all of me, but I have faith....such faith that I can learn from my Father....he plans for me to grow and learn and gain new insight from this.
I am calmer, happier and more content in my thinking than I have ever been in all of my life...isn't that amazing? Despite the level of difficulty, I am alive. I have moments, then hours, then days of doing better. It is not an opponent, or a dragon or a villain...it just is...so I will learn from this, I will continue to embrace this...my life, my choice is to have joy even when I fall. My decision is to pray, to give thanks...to continue to shine, to be a little light in a world threatened by darkness. To have appreciation for my open palm...to imagine the fluttering of wings resting upon that hand...to imagine all that I can reach for, dream of, create and explore. To hold someone else's hand when they are struggling or feeling isolated, lonely...and yes, to take a hand offered in friendship, to bring me comfort, safety and warmth.
I can remember all the feelings of weary discontent. I often felt consumed by it when reality had given me much...so many opportunities and choices...I squandered talent, time...sometimes I withheld or gave affection and attention to the wrong things or people...but now I have this small hand more often cold than warm, but it is attached to a beating heart, a compassionate soul...a dream of today leading me into the future.
My hand is just the beginning...I have much in me to offer, I have been gifted with the opportunity to use that which is best in me...to nurture it, to grow this seed of hope...to listen, to share, to dream, to become a better stronger woman confident...
If I am a rope, I can choose to use it to climb higher or remain tied up in knots.
If I am a stone, I can use it to line my fire pit and get warm or I can throw it and cause destruction.
If I am a voice, I can use reason, kindness, love and spread hope or I can rip, tear and shred those who dare to dream or speak out.
If I am an environment I can choose to let flowers grow & bloom within my rocky, sandy desert or I can see nothing but the vastness and lose the simple beauty of who and what I am.
I am alone most of the time, my needs are simple, my love grows stronger. Love of God, self and others. I have an open hand...to reach out, to hold on, to lift, to plant, to flourish in this life exactly the way I am.
I looked at the lines and marveled at my own strength despite illness, storms, journeys, challenges...decisions, sins, accomplishments and then discarded all those words in favor of the future, beginning with today.
How I use this hand, this body, this creativity, this strength...opens a world of possibilities. It keeps me humble, celebrating & nurturing ideas that lie in the palm of my hand.
No Alice, I haven't fallen down the Rabbit Hole...indulge me a bit...if you have the time or inclination...
Going through a flare I am barely aware of the world around me...recently I remarked that I felt as if I was turning into cotton fabric, so enmeshed in pajamas, sheets and blankets...that is the extent of my world many days on end. Too ill to listen to anything audio, read or even open my eyes, wishing for complete and utter silence. Migraines are kudzu. They take over every part of me and I long for peace, utter silent peace.
I barely recognize my body, my self as I struggle to turn over, to right my body, to get up, to walk a step....I hold onto the nightstand, then the armoire, then the doorway, the counter...you see I don't see myself as disabled although I am living a challenging life. I just see that next step and do my best to take it. Is it survival? Bravery? Is it mind over matter? Is it God stripping away all that is unimportant, so I can see and know what is?
I live in the real world, albeit a small and quiet one within the confines of my small home. It is just me and the kitty...as I gain a measure of wellness, my mind becomes quiet again, the pain of the migraines has left, in its wake is a flare. I did some occupational therapy, nothing like O.T. for what ails you....there is truth in that expression, if you don't use it, you will lose it. So I did tasks and got hit hard. This tightrope is hard to walk on, it is a new skill...how to maintain my balance, how to know when to go forward and when to go back to the safety of the platform high above the crowds.
Chronic illness is my tightrope and even though I have learned a great deal...I am not a natural. I have to continue to learn, perfect my skill, my level of awareness. It is a challenge, not a burden. It is just one part of me, sometimes it threatens to take all of me, but I have faith....such faith that I can learn from my Father....he plans for me to grow and learn and gain new insight from this.
I am calmer, happier and more content in my thinking than I have ever been in all of my life...isn't that amazing? Despite the level of difficulty, I am alive. I have moments, then hours, then days of doing better. It is not an opponent, or a dragon or a villain...it just is...so I will learn from this, I will continue to embrace this...my life, my choice is to have joy even when I fall. My decision is to pray, to give thanks...to continue to shine, to be a little light in a world threatened by darkness. To have appreciation for my open palm...to imagine the fluttering of wings resting upon that hand...to imagine all that I can reach for, dream of, create and explore. To hold someone else's hand when they are struggling or feeling isolated, lonely...and yes, to take a hand offered in friendship, to bring me comfort, safety and warmth.
I can remember all the feelings of weary discontent. I often felt consumed by it when reality had given me much...so many opportunities and choices...I squandered talent, time...sometimes I withheld or gave affection and attention to the wrong things or people...but now I have this small hand more often cold than warm, but it is attached to a beating heart, a compassionate soul...a dream of today leading me into the future.
My hand is just the beginning...I have much in me to offer, I have been gifted with the opportunity to use that which is best in me...to nurture it, to grow this seed of hope...to listen, to share, to dream, to become a better stronger woman confident...
If I am a rope, I can choose to use it to climb higher or remain tied up in knots.
If I am a stone, I can use it to line my fire pit and get warm or I can throw it and cause destruction.
If I am a voice, I can use reason, kindness, love and spread hope or I can rip, tear and shred those who dare to dream or speak out.
If I am an environment I can choose to let flowers grow & bloom within my rocky, sandy desert or I can see nothing but the vastness and lose the simple beauty of who and what I am.
I am alone most of the time, my needs are simple, my love grows stronger. Love of God, self and others. I have an open hand...to reach out, to hold on, to lift, to plant, to flourish in this life exactly the way I am.
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