An email to my therapist
A letter I wrote my therapist.:
I saw it written today about Presley Gerber who passed,
his sister said "he was the most human person in the family"
(all the flaws and passions he indulged)
I am starting to realize I have to build my own life outside of familial
relationships.
I tried to do that when I left LA for Florida, Toronto and Boston
but I broke and got very sick. I was very human - and it always
has seemed I could empathize with people in a different way
than my family - I was more connected to people's sense of
disconnection - I could bring them my heart - and my college roomate
said I was great at "building consensus"
Again I seem to have very different sensibilities than my family.
I went for pleasure (sex and drinking and art and design)
It just seemed like I lived in the passionate realm - maybe
a bit of a compulsive and decadent partaker.
After healing from being sick - I have slowly developed
a sense of self control in the context of pragmatic survival...
being myself out in the world with the lessons I have learned from
my family, my illness and the people I come into contact here at the monastery etc...
and it is helping me find my values that support and protect my moving forward
in life.
I want to reach out to my siblings and my Dad but I know I have to muscle
into making a life for myself and a community where we serve each other.
I have to tell you Blue is the most amazing 'being' - he cries so much when
I get home - and purrs like mad. He gets so frightened being left alone by
me and he is truly grateful when I am back. That's something to recognize bigtime.
And I do appreciate him so much.
I wish I could have a partner and be carefree and sexual as I once was - I had a mighty libido
and room and enthusiasm in my life to take care of my looks.
It's almost all gone now and I start sharing 'what it's like to be old stories'
amongst the nuns who are also of the age
Anyways- thank you for being there Marc. Later this day and now I am muscling through things - taking my relationships to another level of commitment and heart.
Trying to muddle through. Sounds like a song amongst my friends.
Peace Marc,
Mark
Replies
I realize I have created the best possible scenario for my condition and my personality.
When left to my own devices (as I lived in Los Angeles) I isolated myself a lot - didn't socialize so much
and looked for 'life feedback' from art and design and therapy and my family. I kind of kept work
very separate from who I was. It all came to a crash when I started to socialize, on my own in life,
and I didn't know what things meant. I didn't have a values platform to cope or evaluate. This
was when I got really sick in my 30s.
Before moving here, I lived a life of routine and isolation as well. I volunteered and did hikes as well
as worked a part time job. My parents didn't like how I was living - but it really was my nature and the life
I could afford as well. Now I am isolated at a monastery - but I am in a community that is all about respecting boundaries
and mutual isolation
in some senses - if that makes sense. it just, as we have spoken before about this, provides me with a platform to deal
with the craziness of life. It works for me.
Sometimes my penchant to nail down and define and control my life does make me need to shake up
my outlook at times and take risks and make plans for my days - but I'll counter that thought with the reality
that I do that occasionally. Everything has been happening all at once and very fast lately.
I am grateful to be back in my room with Blue.
Have a good night. Best, Mark
Like in any job somethings are stressful and somethings you don’t like but over all is good.
Everybody wants their sense of control in life and I am noticing it can become pernicious here perhaps because of the extreme.
And yes we all can be hypocritical about what we want and do at times as it might not always be in balanced or
It’s not always fair but it’s human if it’s not too egregious.
I’m feeling so grateful for the safety and sanctuary and shelter this place. My faith and forgiveness for myself and others is growing