Ambivalence
I awoke this morning with a sense of nothingness. I am ambivalent. I am afraid of ambivalence because it leaves me open to mood swings. I don't know why I am this way. It just seems if I don't wake up with a mind- set that what ever happens may change my mood. I have never been able to just be ambivalent all day.
I was a little upset at my hubby last night. After a weekend of drag racing he didn't feel well last night and we didn't get any time together this weekend. I know I can't be mad, it's not his fault he got ill but I blame him for putting us "off" until tomorrow. Well tomorrow is a dangerous place to live. I keep telling him that. Maybe someday he will get it.
Anyway, in the mean time I will try to remain strong mentally. I will try to tell myself it's me. Somewhere in me there is something wrong. Hopefully I can be positive instead of negative.
I was a little upset at my hubby last night. After a weekend of drag racing he didn't feel well last night and we didn't get any time together this weekend. I know I can't be mad, it's not his fault he got ill but I blame him for putting us "off" until tomorrow. Well tomorrow is a dangerous place to live. I keep telling him that. Maybe someday he will get it.
Anyway, in the mean time I will try to remain strong mentally. I will try to tell myself it's me. Somewhere in me there is something wrong. Hopefully I can be positive instead of negative.
Replies
Ambivalnet, I\'m the same too, and it is scary. I wake up with this rock feeling in my stomach every morning from being ambivalent. Sorry the hubby upset you and you didn\'t get to spend time together, I hope that it gets made up soon! You can stay strong, I know that you can, you made it this far. That is what I tell myself......I\'ve made it this far and keep pusing through. Get a little tired of pushing but some things, we just have to do. Push through and be positive,......you can do this!!
My middle name is Ambivalence... I\'ve said that for years. I feel so bad I\'ve been so absent on your journal. You have given me so much of your time and I am here for you too. You and Tats mean the world to me! Please let me know how you are doing. I am thinking of you and hoping for the best for all of us. God give us the strength to pull thru all of these crazy emotions. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and scared all the time. How can we be so understanding of all this bullshit we go thru and still have all these problems! I can\'t wrap my mind around it. We deserve to love ourselves and have more peace and contentment in our lives. Why oh why oh why.. I\'ve been asking this since I was a young child!
I couldn\'t help but think of one of my favorite movie scenes (from Girl, Interrupted) when I read this.
Susanna: I\'m ambivalent. In fact that\'s my new favorite word.
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna: I don\'t care.
Dr. Wick: If it\'s your favorite word, I would\'ve thought you would...
Susanna: It *means* I don\'t care. That\'s what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in \"ambidextrous,\" means \"both.\" The rest of it, in Latin, means \"vigor.\" The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: Will I stay or will I go?
Dr. Wick: Am I sane... or, am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren\'t courses of action.
Dr. Wick: They can be, dear - for some.
Susanna: Well, then - it\'s the wrong word.
Dr. Wick: No. I think it\'s perfect.
:) I\'m not sure if you\'ve seen the film, it\'s absolutely amazing. But Dr. Wick (a female psychiatrist) goes on to say:
Dr. Wick: Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what world? It\'s a very big question you\'re faced with, Susana. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? *Are* they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life?
Sorry about that tangent. I just love all the tenuous emotions going on in that scene. And when I read your journal, I thought of Susanna. I wish I had something more soothing or \"right\" to say! But I\'ve never been good with words :)