Am I Under Attack???
Am I Under Attack??
I have had a few strange responses and messages over the last few days leaving me feel more vulnerable and defensive.
I know we all grieve differently and are at different stages in our journey. I thought, of all people, the mothers in this group understood that, and I think most do, but some maybe not so much. Words can hurt, especially when you are already suffering so much and you are reaching out for help.
I have sunk to a new low. It isn't like those first few weeks, but it is dark, scary, hopeless. I don't know why...I just know this feeling, this frequency is not compatable with life. I am struggling to get my head above water again.
It isn't sympathy I am searching for but understanding...and hope, Please God, hope, that someone will recognize this black hole I have been sucked into, and tell me how it happened to them, and that they came out of it. Cassi suffered for 5 years with crushing depression, then she finally surrendered to it. I am so grateful to have had her for those years yet I also feel guilty for pushing her so hard to keep going. She suffered, then died anyway. It makes me wonder what it was all for??? Why did she have to suffer so long when she was just going to die anyway???
I feel desperate and alone.
I have had a few strange responses and messages over the last few days leaving me feel more vulnerable and defensive.
I know we all grieve differently and are at different stages in our journey. I thought, of all people, the mothers in this group understood that, and I think most do, but some maybe not so much. Words can hurt, especially when you are already suffering so much and you are reaching out for help.
I have sunk to a new low. It isn't like those first few weeks, but it is dark, scary, hopeless. I don't know why...I just know this feeling, this frequency is not compatable with life. I am struggling to get my head above water again.
It isn't sympathy I am searching for but understanding...and hope, Please God, hope, that someone will recognize this black hole I have been sucked into, and tell me how it happened to them, and that they came out of it. Cassi suffered for 5 years with crushing depression, then she finally surrendered to it. I am so grateful to have had her for those years yet I also feel guilty for pushing her so hard to keep going. She suffered, then died anyway. It makes me wonder what it was all for??? Why did she have to suffer so long when she was just going to die anyway???
I feel desperate and alone.
Replies
I was in that black hole and I came out of it, Gina. Slowly, one toe and finger at a time. I had really sunk back into my blackness at the one year mark because everyone had crossed me off their list as having made it through all the \"firsts.\" I was \"okay\" in their hearts and minds and oh, I was SO far from it. That is when my gift arrived... Reading in AARP magazine in September of 2009 when I was fourteen months on this path is when for the very first time I felt as if I might learn how to breathe again. I remember I was on my elliptical trainer reading the magazine and I jumped off, logged on and found one of my most powerful healing tools... Each of YOU.
Each of us hears and perceives what others say through our own filters and each of us are simply a bunch a grieving mothers trying to do our best each day. The medium of writing does not always depict what is in our hearts and all I can do is share where I am, what is helpful for me and come from a place of compassion and the deepest of empathy. I truly know nothing at the age of 60 and it is so very humbling.
For me, I use my 12 step program work and take what I like from what the moms say and leave the rest and I truly hope that is what everyone does when they read my journals and comments.
Karen (Biowoman) speaks of the dark hole as going \"there.\" The deep abyss that each of us must find ourselves in and only we will know when we are ready to bring ourselves slowly up and out of it. I can still go \"there\" yet now, seven and a half years later, I stand at the edge, peer in, and do not need to go \"there\" as I once did. That is the hope that I believe you might speak of and need and I can tell you that I am not special. Just one woman who kept coming back here and trying to believe that what the other moms told me happened for them in time might for me as well and it did and has.
Allow your grief, sorrow and loss to rest within your immense love for yourself and for Cassi. I found that when I could merge these and not isolate them that it helped me so much with my grief path with Douglas.
The only thing that matters right now is what you think and feel and put on the back burner comments that do not resonate.
The moms here kept telling me to hang on and to keep coming back and that is what I did. I am telling you the same thing. Hang on tightly and take my hand. I need all the hands and hearts that I can get as do each of us.
Loving, loving care dearest Gina,
XO Joanie
Oh, Yes, Gina. We know, i know about the black hole. It hovers some days. I am 5+ years on this dreadful path. Learning more about myself than I ever thought possible. It is scary. Life has changed us, and we must find our new place. You have helped me with the wonderful poem you put. Please, keep writing. We are not all as good expressing ourselves with words alone. (I need expressions, and hands). Love to You, dear girl, it is very soon still. Be brave. Life has many more years to show you all the colors...........enough. abby
Oh Gina. It is so hard. I truly hope I have not offended. That dark hole is never far away. I go \'there\' still. But there is hope. I go there less often and come out sooner.
You are such a caring sensitive person so I understand how words can hurt. I think the moms are trying to be helpful - at least I hope so!
Just know you are not alone.
Love and tight hugs, M
I am so sorry if you have been offended by someone. If they can\'t be compassionate, understanding and just listen they may not be a friend. Nothing against them, just does not understand where you are right now.
Sending love and light
Cindy
Hi Gina - I, too hope I have not offended you - it would never be my intent. I am coming up on 2 years that my daughter has left this world. I don\'t honestly know how I do it - but like Joanie said, it\'s one toe, one breath, one second because if I let them all run together, I get too overwhelmed and stand @ the door of that dark place for me. I come here to my sisters who \"get it\" and are able to tell me their journey and what helped and what didn\'t - none of these sisters can fix it - sometimes none of these sisters can make me feel better @ that moment BUT when I go back when my dark moments are a little lighter and I re-read their heartfelt words, I always am able to see a little brighter. Sometimes, just a glimmer, but it\'s a glimmer.
I am a very sensitive person (been told too sensitive) but because of that, I feel so deeply and feel other things that some don\'t have the capability of feeling......I feel your pain, I sense your fear of going down so far you won\'t be able to return and IT\'S REAL!!!! Dammit, Dammit, why oh why did this happen? I ask myself that a hundred times - why couldn\'t it have been me?
I wish I had the answers...I wish I could be there face to face......I can only be here to listen, answer when I can - Just know Gina, I\'m with you in spirit, right now I am thinking about you and sending a big virtual hug because that\'s all I have to send. ((((hugs))) Vicki
Gina, I know the hole. I know what it\'s like to go \"there\". At times I still find myself \"there\" and am not strong enough to fight it so I find I stay as long as I need to and hours or days or weeks go by and I realize that I\'m no longer \"there\". Yet I have no magic words to help you not go there. My words I share are more like - it\'s ok if you find yourself \"there\". Cassi\'s battle was her own (as you know) and no one had the answer to keep her from drowning. You are not Cassi. You have come this far and in fact, have the knowledge and tools to recognize the black abyss.
I really like what Joannie said \"... when she merged her love for herself and her son Douglas and not kept the two separate, she was able to help herself...\" To find strength instead of weakness in her journey.
Marlene writes of how you are such a caring, sensitive person and I agree. I also believe that because of your sensitivity, you may be susceptible to intense grief. Does that make sense?
You write so well about your feelings. Thank you. As we share our darkest thoughts and emotions, we recognize ourselves in others journals. One day another grieving Mom will read your journal and recognize herself and you will have helped her realize she is not alone.
I am at a point right now, (it\'ll be 3 years January 25th) where I seem to be consistently numb. Not the same numb I was the first 3 years, not by a long shot but numb.
You are not alone. Each and every one of us experience this grief so differently yet recognize so many similarities. I trust that we are here to heal ourselves and if we are fortunate, have a hand in helping another grief stricken woman on her journey. I don\'t know why Mothers would send you strange messages or comments. Perhaps when you feel up to it you could message the people and ask, or, if the messages were inappropriate you might want to remove them as a \"friend\". I\'ve done it twice since joining simply because the person wasn\'t supporting me rather they needed me to do \"it\" their way and that wasn\'t going to happen.
I sincerely hope that I haven\'t said anything to upset you. Sometimes I run my mouth off. Please let me know if I have...
Tightest of hugs, hand in hand...
Merrilee
Hi Gina,
We all know the black hole-it\'s not a place you want to go. It\'s not a place we want to go, want to experience --but each of us probably will. Let it be a place you VISIT only--you don\'t want to LIVE there. Because it isn\'t really LIVING when we moms STAY & DWELL there--it\'s just EXISTENCE. And I believe that we\'re somehow meant for more. We\'re supposed to live an abundant life. What COMPRISES an abundant life when we\'ve lost SO MUCH is still a concept that I haven\'t figured out yet. Maybe there are sisters of the heart who HAVE figured it out. I\'d love to know if anyone has found abundant life after this loss, & how they did it...
But I do know, Gina, that as necessary as the black hole may be at certain points, WHEN WE\'RE READY, we HAVE to put one foot in front of the other & try to climb out of the black hole. And maybe our SOTHs help pull us out. And maybe that\'s our goal: to spend more time OUT of the black hole than IN it. Maybe that\'s how we might define living abundantly, living courageously.
I truly hope I haven\'t said anything here that has offended or hurt you in any way. It\'s not my intent to ever hurt anyone with words or in any other way. Believe me, I\'m very familiar with that black pit of despair myself. I only hope to use constructive words in my writings here- or anywhere else.
Hugs,
Donna
love and hugs to you dear Gina..... my dark hole is always following me always around the corner,,, I just hate that place,,,, but some days,,, the tears, the sadness ,,, the missing,,, all there... some days.....
Yep, I\'ve been in that black hole too....guess we all have. I remember thinking, \"Damn, Kala\'s got it all together after battling depression and all that went with her whole father situation, she\'s on top of the world, and now this! She has to die in a car wreck!\" It felt like some cruel joke the universe was playing on us. All I could do was scream and rant and curse....everything and everybody....for a time....for my time frame.
And I did. And the moms here just kept listening, offering hope and inspiration, and yes, even at times pissing me off because what they were saying was NOT what I needed or wanted to hear. Hey, just because we are all grieving mothers doesn\'t mean we always know what to say, or say it at the right time, in the right way. I\'ve put my foot in my mouth MANY times when trying to convey a thought to another SOTH. I truly hope the moms I\'ve hurt and/or offended can forgive me. I truly don\'t think we ever intentionally cause any pain....gosh, how could we! But even \"moms\" are human.
So, at the risk of opening mouth, inserting foot, I\'ll offer my thoughts....Are you under attack? Probably....truthfully, yes. Yes you are. YOU are attacking yourself with guilt and doubt and fear and anger and frustration and every negative thought you allow to grab hold of your heart and mind. I believe we can talk ourselves into, and out of, a lot of emotions. Now that doesn\'t mean I\'m naive enough to think I can just tell myself everything is peachy in my world and wah lah, it will be. But, to me, attitude is everything. All I know is \"I\" HAVE to stay positive...keep telling myself positive things...cause if I didn\'t, I\'d never have gotten out of that damn black pit of hell.
Words can, and yes, do hurt. But the reason they hurt is because of where WE are in our thoughts and interpretations of our situation. Words that drove me batty a few years ago, now simply have no power over me and therefore no longer control my emotions. I can\'t be hurt by the words of others if I can honestly KNOW to the core of my being the words offered are offered in love and often in ignorance. And IF there are ever words offered to me which I KNOW come from a place of wishing harm to my spirit, I just have to laugh and say, \"No dice....I know better than to believe that lie about myself.....but you go right ahead and believe what works for you\".
Like you, I was desperate to hear someone, anyone, say they\'d survived this nightmare and found LIFE again. Even before I thought it possible, I craved it. And there were a few moms who were a little further along this path than I was and I clung to their words of HOPE. I had to believe them, even when I couldn\'t believe. You see, it was my choice to accept their words of hope or to discard them. I chose to believe and then I started acting as if I had hope long before I \"felt\" the hope. And eventually, the pretence of hope, of finding and living in joy, became my reality. It was gradual; there certainly wasn\'t one day when I suddenly woke up and BAM, I was happy again. But it was in my year 4 that I realized I was no longer \"playing the game\"....I was truly living life and enjoying it. And it\'s just gotten better as I\'ve continued to allow myself to have joy and fun and be silly and enjoy being Teri.
But let me clarify all of this by saying this is MY journey. I have never been clinically depressed, though I have often been depressed. I have no mental illness (don\'t laugh!) that has ever been diagnosed, and I am pretty confident in my ability to function in \"normal\" society under most any circumstance. I have a strong mind and a strong will. This is my makeup, it is not everyone\'s makeup. Only you, and your doctor (if the case may be) truly know the real Gina. And only you can give her what she truly, deep down to the core of her being, needs.
I hope some of this helps and if not, disregard it and find and take into your being what does help.
You are loved sweet friend~
Love to Cassi!!
It\'s only normal to try to search for answers to questions about the \"Why\'s\"I struggled in the early years with that, too. I finally found my answersthey\'re called \"I don\'t know why and cannot know IN THIS LIFE!\" Some questions are just plain not knowable much less understandable, while we are still here on earth. I gave up trying to find out \"why\" and took the\"answer\" as my conclusion, which personally gave me closure on that very rough part of my journey. I finally found PEACE when I came to that \"conclusion\"and I let God do His work of fitting all the puzzle pieces together into something finally beautiful.
Time really does help--don\'t give up. Be gentle on yourself-you and i are only humans and life is short for all of us in the grand realm of things! My advice is to trust God. He did, and still does, have everything under control, even if it certainly does not appear to be that way to us.
Love, Donna
I had to teach myself to live again. I have learned to live I will be having my 7th Angelversary this Dec. The season of joy isn\'t.
If I did not have grand children to force me to try to be around and celebrate Christmas I would have cancelled the holiday forever.
Sending you tight hugs, wrap yourself in a cocoon and heal
Penny