Am I The Common Denominator???
Like I said, I had my centre on Monday and now I can't even find it! I've been going back deep into my self-help books and going along my merry way toward healing. I'm trying to be honest with myself and my past traumas...dragging up some heavy stuff and doing my best to work through it. Maybe this has set me on edge. Maybe this has triggered some things. Well I was talking to a friend the other night and this friend wasn't in the best of spirits complaining about winter and all and all in a generally shitty mood. So I was trying to make conversation anyway through the moaning and complaining and we stumbled upon the subject of work and raises and I said "Our boss told us we were going to get a raise in August and it is now January...hahaha". To tell you the truth I wasn't even very worried about it...just chatting. Then she says "Well don't expect any sympathy from me ... we didn't get a raise last year and it doesn't look like we will get one this year" Well automatically I got pissed off ... first of all SHOULDN'T I expect her sympathy and possibly commiseration being that she is a friend and all and secondly how did this get to be about her (she has no idea that I haven't had a raise in two years by the way). It was like she poured a bucket of cold water over me (before this conversation I was actually in a GOOD mood) and when I get pissed off I shut down because a) I'm pissed and b) I don't know how to tell someone I'm pissed without them getting pissed at me so I don't say what I really and truly mean or I don't say anything at all and c) I get a bit defensive. So I said "You make like ten times more ( a slight exaggeration) than me already". And she says "well I live in a more expensive city" (Snobville Canada) and then I just changed the subject seeing it was getting heated. First of all if she got a raise I would be super happy for her and if she didn't I would complain with her and she makes a lot more than me and lives on her own and isn't supporting two kids and a goldfish. Anway this has had me simmering for two days now. I'm mad at myself because I can't seem to tell people how I really feel because I am afraid they will walk out on me (abandonment?). On the other hand I am really determined to change that. I'm kicking myself for not saying what I should have said in the moment and not just getting defensive. I should have said at the very moment she made her comment that it made me feel bad, and unsupported and yukky. It felt like a slap in the face to me. So for the past day I have been preparing these super non-confrontational but informative speeches in my head to deliver to her about how her comment made me feel because I think it is important for me to tell people how I feel and not be afraid to do so because of what that other person may do in terms of consequences to my honesty. So I talked to her tonight and we almost immediately got into a debate...starting with breast augmentation of all things, and then branching out to different debatable topics and everything I said she said the opposite, and since she is a better debater and I get flustered, my incredibly interesting and intelligent points fell flat and I found myself expending way too much energy on a night where I had worked for 8 hours, went to the gym, made dinner, went through homework (8 times table drills) and attended dance class and now exhausted finally said to her: "Are you just saying the opposite of what I am saying?" and she says "we are allowed to have differences of opinion Tara (like I was one of the slower students in class). And I agree people are allowed to have differences of opinion but are they supposed to feel like crap afterwards? Anway I didn't end up talking to her about the orignal thing that annoyed the hell out of me because I was so pissed after our second conversation. So now I'm wondering if I was all irritable because I was afraid to tell her how I felt or if my anger was justified. Was her attitude and demeanor setting me off or is my old issues??? And now I'm all sad and teary and guilty because I'm thinking maybe it's me not her. Maybe it's ALWAYS been me. In all these failed relationships, with friends and lovers and family I have been the common denominator. So now I'm all panciky and bummed out thinking maybe I am always difficult and defensive. How do I know it's not me????? Maybe I'm unreasonable and demanding and expect too much and have too high standards and am moody and bitchy. What if it's me????
Replies
It is you, but not in the way you are saying it. It is you in that we are overly invested in what people think. Think about us our opionions, etc. You are working really hard on yourself and you are making super good progress. I am really proud of you. HOWEVER, we are in the place when people can push our buttons.
And it happens for me mainly when I am HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) OR the best one of all PMSing. Something that would not normally bother me AT ALL will send me into a RAGE when I am PMSing.
And I bet she is NOT a better debater. I have a really good friend her name is Pam. She is an attorney and was captain of her debate team in school, etc. etc. She is INCREDIBLY opinionated (as am I), we get into HUGE debates about just about anything.
The thing to remember when you are debating is that their opinion (although never correct LOL) is just as valid as yours. So I never get defensive when I am arguing with Pamela. I let her have her say, but i know that mine is just as valid. It is not important that we view life the same way. What is important is that you have the kind of friendship where both views can be shared.
I think that her tone made you feel shameful. That is the part that we have to disconnect from. You doing great Missy Miss. When we do not have that \'love\' relationship to push our buttons, then the Universe will bring other people into our lives to show us what still needs to be healed.
It\'s NOT you!!! Well, I certainly don\'t know that for a fact...haha...but I\'ve been in SO many situations like yours when it comes to relationships both romantic and platonic. I don\'t think that it\'s you at all. If it was you wouldn\'t be asking yourself the questions you are. I think you have valid arguments for your feelings (not that you need to justify your feelings ever) and they certainly don\'t sound difficult and defensive. For me personally, I know that I have had a bad string of relationships and friendships because I didn\'t heed the red flags that signaled their unsavoriness (is that a word?). Don\'t beat yourself up! Regardless, you are here and working on yourself, working toward having healthy relationships and being a better person. You are on the right track! Hang in there!
I was about to say something but susyp beat me too it. You are the common denominator but not how you are interpretting that. After 3 relationships w/ NPD men I said the same exact thing - I\'m the common denominator in these 3 relationships. But that only means that I was the one attracted to and attracting NPD men. Not that I was responsible for their behavior. But I totally relate to the whole shutting down when angry and not asserting yourself out of fear of rejection/abandonment/conflict. I am still struggling w/ this a lot. Especially w/ controlling judgemental ppl. The other day I asked a coworker a simple Q. Out of his need to control, he came into my cube, sat next to me, literally took the mouse right out of my hand and took over my computer instead of minding his own business. I was so pissed but I just sat there in my silent rage as he screwed up everything I had spent all day working on. The next day I had to start all over. But I said nothing. Today he did it again. I still allowed it. Our issue is of not asserting ourselves and allowing others to treat us inappropriately. I am supposed to start martial arts in hopes of learning how to be assertive.
Hey, I think I have been through similar stuff with friends and here are the answears I came up with.
Sometimes even the kindest friends are wrapped up in their bs, make mistakes and say annoying things. Since they are mostly kind we allow for this. Same rules applies to us when we mess up and are not supportive to friends. We can make mistakes, they can make mistakes. I had a lot of issues for allowing this and getting the rules stright in my head. This rule applies only to mostly nice people that for the most part are supportive. There is no compassion and forgiveness for people that are not mostly supportive. They are simply out of my life now.
I am extra sensitive when a friend is not supportive becasue I am always wishing for this supportive mom. I have to make sure I am not being triggered into past pain when friends do that. I can often see that this happens to me. I am working on this.
In your situation it seems you were a bit triggered. The irritation of her comment prevented you from venting your feelings and your defenses went up. Your feelings were I think, how much it sucks that you didnt get a raise and than how much it sucks she is not willing to share that pain. I have done this many times and I am working on spotting this and working it out. Like my councelor says, seeing the behaviour is the big step. I guess ideally when our past pain is worked out we will not feel so triggered and we will react with our real feelings of being hurt.
At the end of the day, mistakes in realtionships happen. Dont hate yourself. Just learn. You did so much today I wish I did half that. You are an amazing person.
I love you guys!!!!!! It is sooo amazing to me that everyone of you supported me but yet had different perspectives that focused on different things and made me feel 100% heard.
SusyP: You showed me that although I am making progress I am still on the vulnerable side. I still think that when people don\'t agree with me they are somehow attacking me or saying that I am not smart or intelligent. If I don\'t believe in me it\'s easy to think others won\'t either. More self-esteem work! And super super supportive and comforting as always:)
Erin20: You are like a cheerleader! Pumping me up and reminding me that I am doing good and that my feelings are valid because they are mine. You also reminded me that people who are bad usually don\'t feel bad about the thngs they do or even take the time to look at how their behavior affects others.
AgentSmith: You\'re right ... I\'m good at attracting narcs! I am totally with you on the assertive thing. I am so baaaaaad at it. I\'d avoid a confrontation forever if I could. The only thing that gets me talking is pure pisiousity (is that a word!) I have to be absolutely furious to stand up for myself. Good for you about the martial arts thing ... maybe I should try!
Kath08: I especially related to your paragraph about how you expect friends to be supportive because you didn\'t get that from your Mom. I like your point about being triggered. I was thinking about this today myself that I am sensitive to not being supported for the very same reason! I shall work on this too...thanks.
You guys are the best! Finding my centre again!
hi Arat, I haven\'t read every ones responses yet so if I say the same thing above it is because I didn\'t read.
First of all it can be both people who are creating tension.
It seems to me that your friend is using an angry and violent way of discussing. I think this is what I pick up on and probably what you are in some way reacting to.
So to say that whats got her goat is not about communicating and listening/sharing/communicating to one antherer experience as a friend she is in a match. She is using you to be her competitor.
You on the other hand are not good at this game. Hey not every one is and your skills and talents lie else where . No biggie.
But you are picking up on her bad vibration and engaging with it... being receptive to it. You were receptive the first telephone call. This is where you can get smart.
I had to get smart enough to know where I am at and how I feel, what is my mood and what am I in the mood for. These are all questions I ask myself before I plan to either pick up the telephone or make a phone call.
I will use the old mother example.
I may phone my mother in the brightest mood. I might very well be on cloud nine because it is my day off or what ever and I am in the mood to exchange and share.
Well, if the other person is in the mood to be angry or what ever else.. i have to make the decision either to be receptive to THEIR STUFF or not. I am sure to tell myself that what I want and what the other person wants is different. One person wants a grinding stone and I want a comfy nourishing conversation.
I take notice to peoples habits meaning how often do I actually get that sharing taht I need from any individual?
When are then in the mood to say I like strawberry and I like vanilla with out anger and me being receptive to it?
When I find myself having to stand up for myself I figure I am not speaking with a friend but an opponent.some one with an axe to grind.
So here is my advise based on what I have learned to do with people.
1. know what I want. This means to know what you want in a relationship as well as a general conversation. If you are not clear on this then it is more than possible that the other person will not only demand what they want but they will get it. They will bet the soft ear to nag into. Then instead of getting what you desire you get a head full of the antagonist.
I have a so calld friend who is never really in a good mood. Maybe some times. he phoned last night. I call him the complaining friend and when in conversation I know anything that i really want to talk about will not be talked about. I also know that if I want to complain I can do that. So engaging with this friend means I can complain and bitch about work. sometimes this works but not really.
I know what this person is available for and I either go with the flow of it and accept it. Or I accept it and find a friend who wants the same things I want.
For me, I got real serious about this. I decided to stick it out lonely in order to find the person(s) that I want to relate to and not just make do due to loneliness.
I think it is cool that you are challenge to stand up and assert your point of view thing is... it doesn;t have to be with a person who wants a fight.
I have found that some or many people who claim they are debating are really fighting and throwing their disowned energy at other people who are under the assumption or illusion that they are having a fair and interactive conversation/debate.
There fore
2. KNow the difference / learn to recognize the difference.
3. Change from I am good at attracting narcs to I am good at spotting them and not being receptive to narcs. You can do this.
That means knowing what you want and knowing what you do not want. Being able to see how the other person operates and knowing the difference between you and the other person...differentiate.
Peace to you and the strength and courage to continue to self develop from being the third arm or ear of a narcissist to your own person.
Wow..Pageo...your comment hit the nail right on the head. I was upset because I felt, intuitively, that this person was lashing out at me. It wasn\'t just a friendly debate it was, like you said, a competition. I was dwelling on this a bit last night and trying to figure out what made me so upset about the whole thing and it was because I felt bullied. Like I had to defend myself. It was not a exhilirating conversation but survival of the fittest and that\'s why it left me so exhausted. I had to give so much energy to the conversation.
I love your advice about my choices. I truly need to see if this friend is like this just because she had a bad week or because this is her way of being. And once I know this I can decide whether to engage with her or not. I know that fighting against negativity is just frustrating especially when I could be choosing positive people or even just being alone so that my energy is not used up in this way.
Thanks!!!