Am I That Forgettable

Well, it's been two weeks since I told the guy I was seeing that I deserved more than his crumbs and I know I should feel proud of myself for taking a stand and I'm not sorry that I broke it off but he hasn't tried to contact me AT ALL!  Although its probably a good thing - because it would present the problem of remaining strong which of course is hard to do - it leaves me with these questions to myself which really bring me down: 1) Am I that forgettable?  2) Did I mean absolutely nothing to him?  Was all the time we had together just a pasttime for him?3) Why wasn't I enough for him?4) Is it that easy for him to just never talk to me again? I know I shouldn't be thinking this way but sometimes it gets to me especially when I have some downtime and start ..... THINKING!   Gonna go back to some positive reading! 

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deleted_user
deleted_user

I am SO proud of you for 2 weeks of No Contact. I am sure this is the hardest thing you have ever done.

Mine did the same exact thing. After 8 months of spending 4 to 5 days a week together 24/7, when I caught him on the computer emailing other woment WHILE I SAT NEXT TO HIM and told him to leave. I have never heard one word. Not one.

The first 2 weeks were the hardest. I will only get easier from here. I remember crying to my thearpist: Did I not have any impact on him at all? He can just walk away from me like this.

Then I learned the magic secret. That man was a Narcissist and that is a typical narcissist move called: Devalue and Discard. Good Lord, those words gave me chills and it was so EXACTLY what had happened. I am going to cut and paste some info below and a link to narcissim board so you can obtain more info if you desire. I do not know how long your relationship was, but the person that told me about the board told me get on my hands and knees and be grateful it was only 8 months as they consciousless people have devalued and discard women and complete families some after 20 years. If we are left this devalued after a few months, I can not even fathom what 20 years would feel like. So this is all GOOD news. WE were healthy enough to draw a line in the sand and say NO MORE. They will NOT tolerate anything other then total worship and will discard us like a used kleenex. Or as my therapist put it: He used you like a door mat and then left when he pleased.

Anyway hope this helps. Here is the board:

http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php?action=help

Here is a review from a book I ordered from Amazon. Does this sound like us or what?

Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On

Based on good Amazon reviews including this one:

This book is awesome. Totally helped me turn the corner after being involved with an NPD (Narciss Personality Disoder) for five months and unceremoniously dumped overnight when I wanted to be inter-dependent and not co-dependent, when I wouldn\'t continue to be \"supply.\" I was stunned. I thought we were actually having a real relationship. This book made me face the fact that the only real relationship a narcissist has is with his false self and God forbid you get in the way of that. If you dare to hang on to your real self and stand up to an NPD, prepare to be tossed aside. They only want \"relationships\" with people they can control and who will stay on their knees, prostrating themselves to the almighty narcissist.

Here is a compulation of post that I gathered from that board, long but I think it will make you feel better:

I think one of the most covertly abusive aspects of the narcissistic relationship is psychological and emotional invalidation. When the narcissist has NO reaction to us at all, it denies our humanity. Makes us feel like we\'re worthless, invisible, unimportant, irrelevant. It\'s so dispiriting we can\'t believe it\'s happening and so, we try one more time to see if we can get them to respond. If they don\'t respond, their silence reinforces the belief that we\'re worthless. This is very similar to what a child feels when a parent neglects them and does not meet their emotional needs.

If the N responds though, we perceive it as validation that we\'re living, breathing, human beings. That we do have impact on others even if it hurts us. Even if the N is angry, at least we feel seen and heard and validated. This is the \'Hook\' we feel when ending an abusive relationship. If the N had never acknowledged our existence, we wouldn\'t get \'hooked\' emotionally. The hook is called Intermittent Reinforcement. We had ALL the N\'s attention, dedication and admiration at one point, so we KNOW it\'s there. If we can just do things RIGHT, we\'ll be rewarded with a response of some kind. The N\'s acknowledgment of our existence temporarily fills an inner void that everyone experiences when an important relationship ends.

The problem with thinking we can \'earn\' validation (reward) is that we\'re blaming ourselves for doing something WRONG when we\'re NOT validated. We falsely believe that their invalidation is and was our fault.

Invalidation is one of the most painful cruelties human beings can experience. Going No Contact is all about healing yourself. It\'s not about making the narcissist miss you so much that he acknowledges your existence with a reply. Wondering why or if he\'ll respond is still giving him too much power to validate your existence!

I know this isn\'t easy, Sweetest, and we all do similar things until we get through this painful grieving period. Ending a relationship is excruciating for n-survivors because we think we found the answers to our self-doubt and self-worth when we met the N. Then suddenly, we find out they didn\'t even see us as human beings. They loved us like people love KitchenAids.

If we had any \'esteem\' issues or doubts about our worth and value, the D&D (devalue and discard) intensifies those feelings. It may take years to overcome a dysfunctional childhood after the N awakens fears we may not have known were there. The first step towards healthy self-reclamation is to let the N go his or her merry way and begin a long journey of self-discovery, initiated by our grief. It sounds like you\'re feeling the loss right now and it\'s probably overwhelming...

Even years later, it\'s unfathomable to me how Ns can pick up and move on as if we never even existed. I will never understand it and I don\'t have to understand it. All I have to do is ACCEPT it.

Remember, the narcissist\'s lack of attachment says NOTHING about you. All it says is that Ns are incapable of emotional attachment to anyone. They are NOT suffering, though, Sweetest. We are. So even in the darkest of times when you don\'t think you can tolerate another moment of pain, remind yourself how marvelous it is to Feel and Feel Deeply. Even sorrow.

They will go through their lives literally being alone. Because they cannot truly be a friend or intimate lover to ANYONE. How sad is that? Every second of their lives they are searching and searching and searching. For something to make the pain and hate they feel about themselves go away. But it ain\'t happening. So they go through woman after woman looking for the perfect love. Find it for the first month or so and then discover this woman has feelings of her own, is not perfect, does not think everything they say and do is right, and ooops, time to move on to the next victim.

Keep the faith. Be good to yourself. Thank the lord you got out of that relationship. And remember Karma.

I lived a life of being told who and what I am...it still happens. The only difference is that now I see it as one person\'s connection. One person\'s interpretation and that it reveals what other people identify with in terms of them selves...

[We] should take abuse seriously as in \"No Thanks\" Hand it back. Pass it back to the generations that have kept the dysfunction and do everything we can do to understand how it works and how no longer be a participant.

I say it is not personal in the sense that narcissists are not really talking to you, but to the dialogs they have earned..which are about who they have allowed themselves to become (for what ever reasons, with or without fault). You don\'t have to continue, but this does mean a lot of learning and work to undo.

As much as people want abusive folks and Narcissists to become responsible for their action...it isn\'t going to happen.

So the only thing left to do it figure out why & how \"I\" fit into the equation and change my numbers--like changing code and buttons. The parents wrote the code and then they work it until the day they die and the code never leaves unless we get on to it and begin to rewrite or rewire or how ever.

The \"self\" created in you by a parent is not only limiting your experience of who you are but it gives you a lie. A big fat generational lie. That is why I figure with this kind of work there is no time to continue to point a finger...or even forgive. It doesn\'t make sense to even sit with those as options.

Believe me, I know the limitations of the head space that was signed, sealed, and delivered to me. It did include not thinking or feeling I was good, or could do a damn bit of good for myself or any one else. Now that was a tape loop. That was a condition which I lived with and through.

I took a step to let go of what was familiar and set forth to scare the crap out of myself by walking into new territory that I didn\'t have a map for but decided to do it any way for the mere fact that I can, I have enough time on the planet to do something new.

To be totally honest, I was sick and tired, even bored with all of the bull. It never goes anywhere and I was always left in the hole...so what to do...certainly not change those around me...but to move internally and find tools to help me unlock the code and rearrange.

This is nothing to cry about although crying does happen as we mourn our needs not being met. It amounts to realizing that life isn\'t what everybody told us it was going to be and figuring out exactly what it can be or even what actually is with out the parental cloud.

Sometimes I can hear the words my mother says and I can feel the trigger coming on...but I don\'t step in side of it as truth. The exterior situations are manifest based on a complex formula to essentially take away the spirit. If we keep going there, our spirit will be depleted/ deleted. It isn\'t right. It isn\'t healthy.

So much for not getting the healthiest family. I didn\'t but I don\'t want to spend my life *uc*ed about it. I want to live...not just be a carrier of the sickness.

When triggers come up, I watch, I feel, I experience; I look to see how the machine works, what it is doing and even look at how it all began. That is a start. Then come new information: we do not have to love abuse. I never was asked to sign my name on a line that I would wear this specific suit for the rest of my life. Time to change my clothes...time to find out who I want to be...not who I was told to be and then prepped and practiced on.

It is a mighty big task to step out of those conditions and rework it all, but it can be done. The more I want to work it, the faster the change is. But this isn\'t about how fast...it is the quality of the process that counts. Some times that quality takes place when I am in the middle of being triggered and say internally to myself. \"Well, here it is and what are my options?\"

Will I over react? Well no, that never worked. Can I pound a pillow because of the frustration? Yes I might do that. Best of all I can look my mother or who ever square in the eyes with out saying a thing and leave the familiar and ugly words with that person knowing it is not my role and I am not going to play on it. As in: \"Here you go, it is all yours; I don\'t need it any longer and it doesn\'t work for me. Good-bye, I need to do my laundry.\"

Up keeping my mothers pain is not my calling so I will not be obliged to do so any longer. I think she finally knows this. The hardest part after you hand it back is seeing them in pain and you cannot do anything about it or you might write something like this to at least help out in the right direction.

I think my utter frustrations lies in regret. For the choices I made and felt forced to make. I can\'t change the past. I am trying to learn to live with it...without the disarming reality that some people can truly hurt without conscience, empathy or respect about the other.

That \"regret\" stage can kick your butt around the block for months. You don\'t really have to learn to live WITH it. The growth, for me, was to learn FROM it and accept that what was....WAS.

A good friend told me a long time ago, never to be afraid to admit where you\'ve been cause without visualizing it as part of us; we can\'t see how we got where we are today. Man...those words took a load off! The woman who told me this was studying to be a psychologist. She had returned to work after a suicide attempt, delaying her graduation. Everyone was just buzzing about her inability to help others. Then she announced that she\'d help others differently now that she experienced the degree of pain and personal struggle it took to choose life over death.

Accepting we make mistakes and are human, makes us.: more human. Knowing we have choices and can make \"better choices\" fills our soul. Our soul is our protector - not meant to ever shield us from feeling when we run up against another Narcissist...but our soul gives us strength to cope with WHAT IS.

You wouldn\'t be here if your soul wasn\'t talking to you right now. There\'s a beautiful transition for everyone when we move from what WAS to what IS.
\"I have a question about this - how do you accept the dream is shattered and it was just a bunch of BS? I swear it is like I am holding on to a damn ghost!\" ~ Ranger

I think you said it real good, Like - holding on to a ghost. That is exactly it..allow the ghost depart from the living breathing plane. That is the letting go part which precedes the denial part.

I might not even call it a dream at this point. It is like dragging around a corps and still dressing it up in a tux and tie and taking it out to the movies and a dinner. These sorts of situation are deaths. That is exactly how to deal with it. As if some one has died. In this case an illusion has been revealed but there is still resistance in the psyche to realize it. It is normal to actually not believe it. People quite often deny the loved one has passed and continue talking to the empty chair. Not rare. it matters not if the living speaking narc is still alive it is the thoughts and memories in the head that have to die.

One piece of advice. Please be kind to the part of you that is still unable to disassemble the illusion and there by let go. She isn\'t a bad person. Take care of her and make sure she is treated with respect.
badgering and becoming disgusted or even impatient doesn\'t allow the opening to happen. It fuels defenses. Treating her like ther is something wrong with her is fair. She is doing her best .

Another practice I work with is asking my self to come forward. It works like this...

If I am feeling lazy and if I have no ooomf to even wash the dishes I kick back close my eyes and call fourth the part of me that works or plays or the \"doer\". I usually do this every day for a few weeks and finally I spring to my feet and I am off to the races.

So, what that might mean to you is speaking kindly to the aspect of yourself that doesn\'t understand the facts yet. Set up a conversation with her and ask her for your attention and ask her if she is ready to let go. Tell her that you will be there for her and that her feelings are important. I am just imagining what I might say if I felt stuck with old news circulating and not able to get past it. I mean really I had to do just this to get through to the reality of the narc...every day quite often.

When the messages and feelings are on parade ask the messages what they want. Tell the messages that they obviously haven\'t read the news paper or what ever. Thing is you can do something to help the process commence.

In situations like this I usually consider that I am speaking to the child in myself...the child that is able to be fooled. It is time to break the new that the Easter bunny was a farce and Santa really is just Mom.

I hope this is helpful. It may sound weird but I found calling on parts of myself to help me with a yucky job really works. It also lends objectivity to the process.

Maybe, it\'s because you don\'t recognize the danger of those bad things to you\" Corn

THIS IS A MAJOR LINE.

Its when I realized that the entire relationship is unhealthy, dangerous to my health, well being, body and mind (I certainly felt it) that I was able to dump all the good with the bad.

Ranger - when I saw that my addiction to the illusion was part of the sickness I changed the way I oriented around it, the way I experienced it. Not that when the illusion good stuff would come floating to surface but I had developed the awareness to see it for what it is which slowly changed the way I responded to it.

I changed the way I responded to it when I was able to see I was endangering my life...in my car, like you going through red lights, speeding.. all that and it was seriously dangerous. When I linked up with my behaviors and could see that something was terribly wrong..way bigger than will he love me, will he come back, will he phone. It turned into will I be alive tomorrow.

During the last days and nearing the end...when I would converse with the narc I carefully observed how my emotional plane would turn receptive to the narc bites. What I practiced was hearing the words, feelings the automatic response but not acting on it. I had to stop my reaction in order to provide some space to do something different.

So , it gets down to changing behaviors and not acting on the emotional recipe.

The emotional and behavioral habit or recipe is one of addiction to the cycle. Even after the narcissist was gone I remained with the emotional cycle moving through me. It ends up being about me at that point.

Every time the cycle came up I practiced interrupting it..like a rude awakening to the facts. The facts that are being over looked, dismissed, swept under the carpet which is what happens through out the entire relationship. All the bad stuff just gets neglected in terms of attention and the cycle is built on this very fact.

I had write down all the bad stuff on a list and every time the cycle hit I would read the paper over and over and over again until I started to wake up to reality. I had to legitimately connect with the whole and not just the part the narcissist was building his supply on.

Once the connection was made I was able to get real and motion internally to respond to a dangerous situation, a physical and emotional condition that was me not healthy.


So, when you ask are we forever changed? NO we are not- we can get healthy, we can get off the cycle of abuse and we can get to a point where we see the whole thing through and through...not just the addictive cycle which made me feel helpless for my own good. All patterns are either addictive healthy ones or unhealthy ones.

I say what you are experiencing is the habit of abuse.

I can point a finger at the narc as say he is disordered but I was hanging around an unhealthy person and became unhealthy myself and that is who and what I deal with.

The only difference of me inside of the relationship and me out of is that I deal with feeling and behavior habits where as in side of the relationship I was just inside of the habit practicing the same thing over and over again.

You know, one thing I learned much later when my relationship did not survive the infidelity, is that the more we \'give\' ourselves to the addict, the less likely it is that the relationship will improve. I know you want him to hold you, comfort you, reassure you that his love is real; but, I\'d suggest withholding your love and making him \'earn\' it for good behavior. If you know what I mean. You have been supportive, understanding and it sounds like \'very forgiving\'...until he can treat you with the respect you deserve, you need to stop offering yourself to him. that will be a big challenge when you\'re feeling insecure and needy. But the needier YOU are, the more \'trapped\' and \'controlled\' he feels. He won\'t respect you for loving him after what he\'s done; I can pretty much guarantee you about that. And if he doesn\'t respect you, the marriage is doomed to fail no matter how much you want it to work.
deleted_user
deleted_user

This helped me SO MUCH when Susy first gave it to me. I reread it often, when I have doubts about myself. I suggest you keep a copy. It is a reminder to me that no matter what I did I would have never been good enough for the Narc I was involved with. The fact that he hasn\'t called you has NOTHING to do with you. Think of it as a blessing. It\'s ALL about him. Keep the strength!
arat38
arat38

tK6421 is right Susy ..... this helped me sooooooooooooo much. It made me feel tons better because as she said NOTHING I did would have changed things and I struggle with the \"what if I had done this or that or been more confident or if only I had been prettier, smarter, had a better job, made him feel more secure...\". the list goes on!!! It is amazing that every man I\'ve ever dated fits this bill to a T. I completely explains why my kids\' father is the way he is. Every time I came to my senses and gained strength they disappeared. The only way they liked me was weak and subservient meeting all their needs. I am so blessed to have found this website. I can\'t believe that allquestion I have struggled with for years are being answered. It\'s like everyone REALLY understands what I\'m talking about. Thank you Susy!!! I think I\'ll keep a copy myself!!!
arat38
arat38

thank you too tk6421 for the support1