Am I being hopeful or lowering my standards

Dating has always been a challenge for me.  I have few grand memories of dates growing up.  I did a lot of hanging out that sometimes developed into spending more time together and perhaps nesting and or sex?
I dated my ex husband.  I have great friends but have had little experience dating.  I'd like someone and maybe they'd like me and we'd be "going together?"  And that didn't happen often.  I have a lot of friends with benefits and homie lovers friends or relationship anarchy?  We just did whatever...
I feel so out of my element.  I guess I really want instant relationships.  My friend says I want my cake and eat it too....I want the boyfriend experience without the commitment....
and i'm like guys get that all the time
she says double standard
i don't wanna be anyone's wife again.  It seemed so much work and very little pay off.
I've had an interest in BDSM...thought that would be more clear.  I think I fucked that up too.
I get feelings so quick so easy...that has not changed.
I'm 41 years old.  relationship wise i feel like a teen.
so there's this guy...he has his own issues.  i have no idea what he wants from me....he runs hot and cold...more cold.
i'm leaning back not reaching out so much, but when he calls or contacts me i feel i must respond...even as flawed as it is who's gonna accept me as i am...with all my quirks and no bs
i guess there's still no point...i'm not being served. i'm not serving him.....idk what we are doing.
i guess i must accept that with freedom comes loneliness?
u can't have a partner and be free?
my freedom is more important than having a partner...i can't b a sub 24/7.  there are aspects of it i like but there must be a break....i cannot be that all the time.
i guess that's why i'm not ready...idk what i want.  i wish i did.
better not to get involved with anyone not knowing what i even want. so that leaves me lonely. sigh.