Always feeling down

I am sad and scared and lonely. My life is shit. I hate having to work, hate having bipolar and hate being alone. I can't make friends because I am down all the time. I hate how I look, 80 pounds overweight. I am scared of when I lose my job I will be homeless. I have said all these things on the board so many times I am sure people are tired of hearing it. I am so lonely I need someone to help me but there is no one. When I lose my job I will go into the hospital suicidal. I know they won't help me. They did nothing for me last time. It's not a matter of a med adjustment, I get those every time I see my doc, I keep telling them it's not the meds it's my life that's the problem, but they don't listen. All they know how to do is adjust meds, they don't know how to actually help me. I've been turned down for disability twice. I can't get a doctor to say I shouldn't be working, it will take losing my job and being homeless for them to get the picture. I am so scared. I wish I didn't  have to go through this. I wish my life could be over with. I wish I had the guts to end it but I don't. Maybe when I am homeless I will figure out a way to die, but I don't know how. My doc won't give benzos because they are addictive. I don't know how to put and end to my misery. If only I could have gotten on disability I could have lived peacefully. It makes me so angry that so many other people don't have to work and they COMPLAIN. It's maddening. I think about tying shoe laces really tightly around my neck and knotting them, strangling myself to death. I tried it once but didn't bring myself to tie the final knot, I felt like my head was gonna explode so I know doing it will be painful for a few minutes, long minutes, before I pass out. But I can't think of any other way to kill myself. Life is so painful though, I really don't think I can take much more of it. I beg god every night to take me in my sleep but god is cruel and doesn't want me. I got a car which made getting to work easier but the insurance payments make it very hard to pay the rent. I may have to give up the car but I can't go back to walking to work, I would just quit and be done with it. I hate life so much.