Always Been Emotionally On My Own
Was talking to my boyfriend the other day to make him understand why I'm so independent.
I said that I'm mainly very independent because when I was a young kid, even tho I lived with my mom, brother, and sister, I still did things largely on my own. I rarely remember my family helping me with homework, I had to help myself, even when I didn't understand any of it. Mainly because my family was always busy doing something of their own.
Mainly helped myself get through other things happening at school like bullying and teachers making fun of me. I never told my family about the problem, but I never felt comfortable enough to do so. I still don't feel comfortable telling them about me going to therapy or me having depressive problems all the time.
Also after at a young age I taught myself how to cook simple meals by watching how everyone else cooked. It was really easy to microwave some things or put things in the oven, but I also soon learned how to use the stove top. I did this mainly because I was tired of having to wait for someone to make me food. Was also tired of people getting mad at me when I asked them to make me some food.
Had to also learn to get over emotions all on my own. I didn't know what depression was until I got older. But, I tried explaining how I feel to my mom and that I just can't feel happy. But, she simply said to just do something I like and I'll be ok eventually. I told her the same thing multiple times and said that just doing things I enjoy doesn't really make me happy. Then remembered her yelling at me to just go away and make myself feel better.
My brother and sister weren't mean to me. But, they weren't around all the time when I was growing up either. All I really had was video games, art, and cartoons. I feel like I still have that, with a few other hobbies too.
Later when I was in college that's when I stopped trying to get close to my stepdad. Every so often he'd get mad at me for little to no reason. I remember he got extremely mad at me when I didn't let the dog inside, even tho the weather was fine and I had no idea the dog was outside in the first place. If someone told me and I forgot, then I'd be like "well I did forget". But, no one told me anything. He also got extremely upset when I didn't wash the dishes. Then would get upset when I wasn't washing them right. Then he got extremely mad when I didn't take the trash out, even though I had no idea it was full because we keep our trashcan in a different room. I don't usually take the trash out anyway and didn't even leave my room for most of the day because I was doing college homework. He got so mad that he made me cry and my mom made him apologize. He saw me crying and would have never apologized if my mom wasn't here. I never accepted his apology because it wasn't even a real one. He technically never said I'm sorry. I talk to him when I come home, but I don't ask him for help or tell him how I feel.
My mom sometimes randomly yells at me for no reason. Or just gets mad at me for no reason. She specifically gets mad because I think she thinks that I like my stepdad more, because I talk to him more. When I just talk to him "more" because she's always sleep or at work. When I make general comments about the day like "oh, the weather is actually good today" or "I'm just eating eggs right now", she'll get mad just because I made those statements. I also really don't understand why she gets mad when she's the one that comes into my room and wakes me up early in the morning to help her with something on the computer. I tell her to give me a minute to actually wake up. Then she gets mad and either leaves or yells at me. Plus whenever its Christmas, Fathers Day, Easter, Birthday, or some other thing, she wakes me up really early and expects me to just be up all day. Knowing that I'm usually sleeping in because I've been working.
I remember one time on Fathers Day about 2 years ago, she came into my room and woke me up and wanted me to do something. I told her I just want to sleep for one more hour at least. Then she yelled at me and told me I never do anything for anyone and that I was lazy and didn't care about my stepdad. Then I was like "how do I not care when I always do what you guys want me to do and never ask you guys to do anything for me". I went to sleep and woke up an hour later, ready to help her with whatever, and she said she didn't need me anymore.
Plus I've tried talking to them about why they do this and they either get mad or just don't talk about it. I help them out with things, but I can't be close to them. Also can't be close to the rest of my family because I didn't really grow up with them and barely know them. I talk to them on Facebook sometimes, but feel like they just talk to me because I'm related to them. Not because they actually care. A cousin I considered myself really close to when I was younger, just ignored me when I saw her in person and didn't care to really talked to me. She talked to a friend of hers, but didn't bother to have one conversation with me.
To sum this all up. Just about all my life I had to be on my own emotionally and get through my problems with no help. I actually don't remember ever telling anyone in my family how I feel after my mom completely dismissed me feeling the way I do. When I try getting close to someone, I get yelled at or tossed aside and abandoned. I feel neutral about my brother and sister, but still can't tell them things or get too close. I didn't mention friends I've had over the years because the same thing happens with them too. I either get forgotten, replaced, or they hate me all of a sudden. Plus last year I decided to not be friends with certain people and got harassed online and had constant texts and calls on my phone. One person I stopped being friends with wanted to find where I live so they could get to me.
The only person that I can emotionally rely on is myself. I tell my boyfriend how I feel sometimes, but I try not to go into detail. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable telling anyone how I feel because the same thing has happened my entire life.
I said that I'm mainly very independent because when I was a young kid, even tho I lived with my mom, brother, and sister, I still did things largely on my own. I rarely remember my family helping me with homework, I had to help myself, even when I didn't understand any of it. Mainly because my family was always busy doing something of their own.
Mainly helped myself get through other things happening at school like bullying and teachers making fun of me. I never told my family about the problem, but I never felt comfortable enough to do so. I still don't feel comfortable telling them about me going to therapy or me having depressive problems all the time.
Also after at a young age I taught myself how to cook simple meals by watching how everyone else cooked. It was really easy to microwave some things or put things in the oven, but I also soon learned how to use the stove top. I did this mainly because I was tired of having to wait for someone to make me food. Was also tired of people getting mad at me when I asked them to make me some food.
Had to also learn to get over emotions all on my own. I didn't know what depression was until I got older. But, I tried explaining how I feel to my mom and that I just can't feel happy. But, she simply said to just do something I like and I'll be ok eventually. I told her the same thing multiple times and said that just doing things I enjoy doesn't really make me happy. Then remembered her yelling at me to just go away and make myself feel better.
My brother and sister weren't mean to me. But, they weren't around all the time when I was growing up either. All I really had was video games, art, and cartoons. I feel like I still have that, with a few other hobbies too.
Later when I was in college that's when I stopped trying to get close to my stepdad. Every so often he'd get mad at me for little to no reason. I remember he got extremely mad at me when I didn't let the dog inside, even tho the weather was fine and I had no idea the dog was outside in the first place. If someone told me and I forgot, then I'd be like "well I did forget". But, no one told me anything. He also got extremely upset when I didn't wash the dishes. Then would get upset when I wasn't washing them right. Then he got extremely mad when I didn't take the trash out, even though I had no idea it was full because we keep our trashcan in a different room. I don't usually take the trash out anyway and didn't even leave my room for most of the day because I was doing college homework. He got so mad that he made me cry and my mom made him apologize. He saw me crying and would have never apologized if my mom wasn't here. I never accepted his apology because it wasn't even a real one. He technically never said I'm sorry. I talk to him when I come home, but I don't ask him for help or tell him how I feel.
My mom sometimes randomly yells at me for no reason. Or just gets mad at me for no reason. She specifically gets mad because I think she thinks that I like my stepdad more, because I talk to him more. When I just talk to him "more" because she's always sleep or at work. When I make general comments about the day like "oh, the weather is actually good today" or "I'm just eating eggs right now", she'll get mad just because I made those statements. I also really don't understand why she gets mad when she's the one that comes into my room and wakes me up early in the morning to help her with something on the computer. I tell her to give me a minute to actually wake up. Then she gets mad and either leaves or yells at me. Plus whenever its Christmas, Fathers Day, Easter, Birthday, or some other thing, she wakes me up really early and expects me to just be up all day. Knowing that I'm usually sleeping in because I've been working.
I remember one time on Fathers Day about 2 years ago, she came into my room and woke me up and wanted me to do something. I told her I just want to sleep for one more hour at least. Then she yelled at me and told me I never do anything for anyone and that I was lazy and didn't care about my stepdad. Then I was like "how do I not care when I always do what you guys want me to do and never ask you guys to do anything for me". I went to sleep and woke up an hour later, ready to help her with whatever, and she said she didn't need me anymore.
Plus I've tried talking to them about why they do this and they either get mad or just don't talk about it. I help them out with things, but I can't be close to them. Also can't be close to the rest of my family because I didn't really grow up with them and barely know them. I talk to them on Facebook sometimes, but feel like they just talk to me because I'm related to them. Not because they actually care. A cousin I considered myself really close to when I was younger, just ignored me when I saw her in person and didn't care to really talked to me. She talked to a friend of hers, but didn't bother to have one conversation with me.
To sum this all up. Just about all my life I had to be on my own emotionally and get through my problems with no help. I actually don't remember ever telling anyone in my family how I feel after my mom completely dismissed me feeling the way I do. When I try getting close to someone, I get yelled at or tossed aside and abandoned. I feel neutral about my brother and sister, but still can't tell them things or get too close. I didn't mention friends I've had over the years because the same thing happens with them too. I either get forgotten, replaced, or they hate me all of a sudden. Plus last year I decided to not be friends with certain people and got harassed online and had constant texts and calls on my phone. One person I stopped being friends with wanted to find where I live so they could get to me.
The only person that I can emotionally rely on is myself. I tell my boyfriend how I feel sometimes, but I try not to go into detail. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable telling anyone how I feel because the same thing has happened my entire life.
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