Always Alone.
I always feel alone, even if I am with only one other person. MY relationships last only a moment in time and the memories are forgotten. I seemingly have more friends when I am with Ti's friends. It's kinda sad in that respect. I am so depressed. I wish that I knew someone here that I could talk to or relate with. I thought once that I had made a nice friend, but then I found out that she thinks bipolar and depression are feelings which are made up. She thinks that we make things up to get out of a situation or a responsibility. Again the nights are the worst and they get closer and closer and deeper and deeper. It's around 5:30pm and I am flushed with suicidal thoughts and I just keep taking xanax knowing that I am going to wake up a mess.
Suicide makes me wonder how many lives I've touched though out my lifetime and if I had made a difference in another person's life. Will I know this while alive or will this stay with those people, inside their minds, forever? I hate this pain, it is literally painful to be here everyday. I am on edge and gittery. I keep seeing people in the reflections of TVs and computers and glass. It's freaking me out and I thin that it might be from a hallucination. I just don't feel needed or wanted here. There has got to be a better way. I think about suicide so often that I can't fathom going through a day without thinking about a way to kill myself. I like the notion of pills because it can be slow and painless if worked well with each other.
My mom and I are supposed to go to Hotel Monaco this Friday for a free night. She is stressed out because of money, but who isn't. I am looking forward to that night out even though my mom said that she thinks that she really doesn't want to go... there are certain things that make me feel better, I have been ditched by friends so often that I don't really trust anyone anymore. All my friends prove to only want to see me for a concentrated amount of time, what seems like a portion on of a day never a whole one. Rachael was the last friend that I actually spent the night at a friend's house and felt comfortable with that friend. But, then she was paying for things for everyone but me including $40 tickets to the baseball game. But, she never even offered any of that to me. She emailed me one day demanding a response and an explanation, as though she had no clue why I am so disappointed with her. I don't like to think of that situation anymore.
I don't know how to say goodbye. To simply not wake up and give my family access to my profile on this site may be a way of letting them know my thoughts for the last three years. All paper built journals have been burned. This cant look like an accident, I want to let them know what is going through my mind and ask for their forgiveness. I am so tired. I am always tired. I am sick of it.
Goodnight moon.
Suicide makes me wonder how many lives I've touched though out my lifetime and if I had made a difference in another person's life. Will I know this while alive or will this stay with those people, inside their minds, forever? I hate this pain, it is literally painful to be here everyday. I am on edge and gittery. I keep seeing people in the reflections of TVs and computers and glass. It's freaking me out and I thin that it might be from a hallucination. I just don't feel needed or wanted here. There has got to be a better way. I think about suicide so often that I can't fathom going through a day without thinking about a way to kill myself. I like the notion of pills because it can be slow and painless if worked well with each other.
My mom and I are supposed to go to Hotel Monaco this Friday for a free night. She is stressed out because of money, but who isn't. I am looking forward to that night out even though my mom said that she thinks that she really doesn't want to go... there are certain things that make me feel better, I have been ditched by friends so often that I don't really trust anyone anymore. All my friends prove to only want to see me for a concentrated amount of time, what seems like a portion on of a day never a whole one. Rachael was the last friend that I actually spent the night at a friend's house and felt comfortable with that friend. But, then she was paying for things for everyone but me including $40 tickets to the baseball game. But, she never even offered any of that to me. She emailed me one day demanding a response and an explanation, as though she had no clue why I am so disappointed with her. I don't like to think of that situation anymore.
I don't know how to say goodbye. To simply not wake up and give my family access to my profile on this site may be a way of letting them know my thoughts for the last three years. All paper built journals have been burned. This cant look like an accident, I want to let them know what is going through my mind and ask for their forgiveness. I am so tired. I am always tired. I am sick of it.
Goodnight moon.
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