Alphonsus Log: Stardate 1286.5 - possible trigger
Twice last night I started making a new journal entry. Twice last night I took actions which, either accidentally or clumsily, sent my words, my emotions, my feelings, into cybernetic non-existence. This it parallels who I am...who I have become. A temporary quantum varience in the space time continuum. A meaningless fluctuation, which will soon enough fade into the random background noise of that which we call reality. I've been falling. Falling for some time. Falling from my potential. Falling from my own will, my passion, my desire to be more than the random. My mind is a fog of desperation buried under layers of confusion and inaction. I suffer from a senility not of the mind but of the soul. My passion, my lust for life, is that which fades. The desperation is trapped within. No avenue of escape that has not been tried and tried and tried again. I fall, and I don't even have the will to reach out for ledges to slow my descent. I fall passionlessly into a black hole of oblivion. My epitath will read two words...the summary of my life and all that will need to be said. Unrealized potential. Yesterday I received a verbal reprimand at work. It was long, long over due. It contained words that were written exactly what one would expect to write of someone suffering from a senility of will. Receiving it crushed my insides a bit...but my insides have already be quite squeezed inot a non-moving solidity. So I deam this entry a call forhelp, knowing that most will be helples before it. No one knows how to help me...I myself haven't a clue. I will gladly reach out to any hand extended to me...willingly fall into any arms willing to catch me. But I can only guess from experience that the hands will be too far to reach...that no arms will be able to arrest my fall, so foggy has become my very existence. A cry of desperation for an intervention that I can dream of, but the nature of the intervention is beyond my scope of understanding, and, I fear, beyond the scope of the good, kind souls here. What love I am capable of, I give to thee. Alphonsus
Replies
oh man hun. i have no idea what to say. the drs are actually lost or are you not telling them things? i know you say you have tried all things but have you? do you have any fight left? are there things you could change to see if that helps? is the wife still an issue?
Al my heart breaks reading this. I wish I knew what to say or do to make it all better. I think I know what you are feeling/going through. I have felt the same way before and still do at times. It isn\'t too far for someone to reach you. I am sending you many hugs and much love. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you are feeling better soon. If you ever want to PM I am here.
hey, i don\'t know what to say either to make it all better for you. But i do wanna let you know that you have my support, hugs, and prayers. if you would like you could email me and i will talk with you. hugs to ya hun.
I was close to tears reading this.......you write beautifully!
It sounds like you need a med change and fast! Or something additional to help you cope and to give you some fight back. Depression is sooo tiring,occasionally we lose the will to keep going! Perhaps some time off sick from work would be beneficial,then as you improve you can go back to work without earning yourself anymore warnings.....
Is there somewhere outdoors that you can go to when you feel your worst despair? The coast,woodland,fields??? somewhere you feel at peace?
I am sure you know your illness well and know that this part in the cycle will pass. Hold on to the hope that you know this is temporary. Cling to the hope for the future.Not an easy task,but a worthy one. Hugs Sandra
have u checked with a rheumatologist for fibro fog
Are U sure you are falling? If you are that means you are capable of flying. Spread ur wings and fly..
Me....? I kind of look at myself as a plant. I just went dormant and now need to grow some more.
It\'s tuff when ppl hit the apex of life. We have all the knowledge of the past. Along with knowing the frivolities of life. Things aren\'t as they used to appear with this knowledge and a since of \"what\'s the use\" commands our memories.
life sux but then its life.
What can I say that has not already been said? Wish I could put a trampoline down there for you to land on. Maybe all the bouncing would bounce that lackluster will sucking depression out for awhile. Gentle Hugs, Yodaman. My hopes and prayers and all good mojo is being sent up for you as I speak.
It\'s hard to comment specifically about the reprimand without any details as to why it was given, but at the end of the day, it\'s a job/career. That\'s what you are there and paid for. While an employer can and does understand about various illnesses, both physical and mental, their concern is the bottom line. I\'ve been in your shoes, fearful of loosing my job so in the end, I had to suck it up, faked it till I made it. I didn\'t like it, I felt like I was misleading everyone but I couldn\'t live with the alternative. I also visited with my pdoc and told her what was going on. Eventually, after several months, my new way of thinking became habit. Don\'t get me wrong, I still had my down days but the positive ones were starting to became a way of life.
I don\'t know if what I shared will help, maybe, maybe not. The point I wanted to make it, is we are the only ones that can change our lives. No matter how well intent our friends and family are, in the end has to come from within us. I hope you will find that will and if you don\'t, force it to appear. Your life and livelihood depend on it.
Good luck. to you.
I am so very sorry you are going thru this . It saddens me to hear your pain. I hope you can get better real soon. All my best wishes for you. Hugs Lexi
Al, I am so sorry you are in this place...I can almost *feel* the way you are feeling from how you write it. I\'m not sure what happened at work but I am hoping you can bounce back from it and it will be a single incident.
Please try to grasp the hands reaching down to pull you up....lots of people are here for you Al!
{{{{{hugs}}}}
Hugs for one of the finest individuals ever to grace the electronic parlors of DS.
I think you may have something that we refer to in my circles as \"too fine a soul.\" You are so talented and so good, the world is kind of a mediochre showcase for the qualities you have. No wonder it\'s tempting just to shuffle off unnoticed.
But, please, you can prevent this from happening. (And besides, it\'s too late, you\'ve already been noticed!!!)
\"Typically\" wrote some of the best advice I\'ve seen here, so far...first, get physically to a place that makes you feel alive, or marginally better. Mountains, oceanside, in a cabin in the woods...take a medical LoA. Promptly, also, make an appointment with either a new doctor, or a different doctor, or hit your current doctor in the arm really hard, and demand another appraisal. It DOES sound like time for a meds check/change. And in the interim , fresh air, fresh air, fresh air. It does wonders for the sinking spirit. Get fresh air, in a way that makes you happy.
If just actually being in NYC didn\'t get your adrenaline pumping, you need a meds check, my wonderful friend.
And, if I knew where you lived, I\'d be there in a heartbeat---not to stalk and hassle you, but to look you in the eyes and try and convey how much you mean to SO many people. I can do that, I\'ve been told.
And if it\'s quite alright with you, may I send regular (oh, say, every other day-type) hugs and Messages?? Would that be annoying, or positive?
Love your literary skills and your good heart---lots of people are pulling for you, We all love you very much, and understand, Azure
Not much I can add other than I wish things were better for you right now. I want to encourage you to hang in there as things can get better. And I will urge you to talk with your dr again, maybe you need a medication change or tweeking. Please take care of yourself. Hugs. Mia