Alone In My Struggle.
I don't know what to do right now. I feel like i'm surrounded by people who dont know and dont care. it's all getting harder. Harder than ever before. Cutting made it easier, and now that i'm trying to stop, it feels like the problems have increased drastically. Who am I anymore? What am I even doing still on this earth. What is my purpose. Do i have one? I'm lost. Even Ty and Tay can't pull me out of this. They've tried to. They've put a lot of effort into making me happy and i've tried to be hapy, but lately it's just not working. I miss having he knowledge that I would never forget, the knowledge that the scars would remind me... I liked that. I liked knowing that I would never truely make the SAME mistake twice. the constant reminders cover my arms. The things I used to look forward to now seem unimportant. Hanging out with tyler. The stephanie and Taylor show. school. college. nothing seems to make a difference in my demeanor. my head is POUNDING!!! the stress is eating away from me. I know how to relieve it. Just a little bit of pain. Just for a second. Then It would all be better. But is it worth it? Is it worth the self hate when bikini season hits. I even went so far to trade punches with some doode yesterday. My knuckles are still red and tender and I have bruises on my stomach. I let him is my nose because my piercing is still fresh. I played basketball and tumbled and swam unil my muscles were screaming in agony. begging me to stop. they're still screaming. but that pain, all of it together is miniscule in comparison of what I usually do to myself. This isn't the pain I want, the pain I crave... I just want the release. the relaxation. just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. I feel like i'm dying.
Replies
Hang in there , Stephanie. You are not alone. I am here if you need to talk about all the pain you have been through. . I have been down a similar path as you, having been raped and also cut for awhile. I was anorexic and almost succeeded in attempting suicide. I promised the paramedic who pumped my stomach out that I would hang in there and not try to kill myself again. It took awhile , but with prayer and forgiveness , and dealing with the emotions behind it all, I was able to heal. Now I have 3 great kids and am so happy that I didn\'t end it all back then . Don\'t think that your future will not be a good one because of what you are struggling with now. Deal with this now, and you will heal.
It seems like you are angry at yourself, and I am assuming that it has to do with the rape. Please forgive me if I am too bold in making that assumption, but you remind me of myself when I was going through those same things.
I was raped , sodomized , beaten and verbally abused by a gang, and I blamed myself for having done something to stop it..They were not my fault . Rape is never the victim\'s fault, but the rapists. It is not your fault either, but if you are like me, you probably blame yourself for this thing or that thing that maybe you might have been able to do to stop it. It will be good for you to forgive yourself as well as your abuser in order to heal . Abusers are people with problems, and it\'s good to remember that. Also, if you forgive your abusers , you are doing yourself a big favor.
I don\'t mean to preach , but I have been through this, and I hope I am being supportive and helpful here. Like i say, your story reminds me so much of my own. I blamed myself and wanted to punish myself for all of those things. I felt like there was no one to talk to , and that nobody understood. I can remember my father telling me that i had two weeks to get over the rape. That\'s the type of support that I was getting. Everybody just expected me ot snap out of it, and I couldn\'t turn it off that fast. I needed to deal with how I felt instead of cutting or dieting or drinking ot get rid of the pain. I renewed my faith in Christ, and started trying ot live as a Christian should and prayed to be able ot deal with the pain. It took time, but I did heal. i forgave my abusers and myself and kept dealing with the pain until it was a dull memory. i had been having horrible flashbacks that i thought would never end, but dealing with them and not hiding from the pain is what eventually helped me to move past them.
I was able to quit cutting through the help of a doctors and also the anorexia that I was hospitalized for. They gradually made me eat more and more until I had made a habit of eating normally. Then, they had me working on the emotional issues of it at the same time. I quit chain smoking the same way as I quit the anorexia, little by little until I could stop. Cutting was a little different to overcome but the emotional issues there had to be dealt with. I think they strapped my hand every time I cut, and that helped me to quit doing it. I believe that\'s called aversion therapy, kind of like the rubber band thing, where you snap yourself with the rubber band, only other people were striking my hands. If you talk to a doctor , they may have some better options.
I hope I haven\'t rambled on too long. I just wanted you to know that I understand and have been through similar issues as you have and was able to deal with them. I want you to know that i am here for you, and that you can get back to normal again. Just keep working on it. I will be praying for you.