Alone Forever?
I sit here on a Saturday night and my son is at the movies with his friends and my daughter is working, then staying at a friends and I wonder what I will do when they are gone:( I have raised them by myself for 10 years now and it scares me. It scares me because they are my world and what will I do without them. I thought by now that I would have been tucked in for the night safe and secure with a husband like all my friends, someone who would break the fall of the empty nest. Instead after 10 years of dating and crappy relationships I am still in the same place I started....alone. 10 years of dreaming and hoping and wishing and being sure my time must surely come. In the daylight it is easy to be confident, optimistic and full of hopes but by night the loneliness creeps in and its hard to celebrate my independence. I just want to be cuddled up with someone watching a movie or out drinking red wine and sampling some exotic cuisine or tipsy and sweating on the dance floor up close or even asleep with my head on someone's chest knowing he will wake up with me. It makes me panic thinking that I may ALWAYS be alone without someone to snuggle up to and I know this is part of what drives me into stupid relationships with unacceptable men. I know I need to take time to be healthy but what do I do in the meantime....
Replies
It is only natural to long for a companion. I think it is built into our DNA. Last night I was reading a sweeet Dean Koontz book about his dog Trixie (not his typical scary mysteries). He discloses that he comes from an extremely abusive background, that his father was a cheating alcoholic that beat everyone in the family. And then he talks a lot about his wife and how perfect they are together. They have been married for over 30 years. I swear to you, I got tears in my eyes. I thought: why did he get someone great? Why wasn\'t his \'partner picker\' broken from his dysfunctional family?
But who knows why? I will just be happy for him and try not to worry about the future and live more in the moment. Lets not worry about the rest of our lives, lets just try to do this one day at a time. For today, we are trying to be conscious and be aware of what we have done wrong in the past, so we do not make the same in the future.
When I get lonley, I think about the pain I was in in my last relationship. The knowing he was not invested in me, the desperately looking for every day for an email and or contact from him so I would feel validated. The doing everything he wanted, and completely shutting down the things that are important for me. The building fantasies in my mind that had ZERO to do with reality. I would rather be alone then in that web of lies, confusion and abandoning myself. I am trying to make my self whole so that I can find a partner and not a warped mirror that was brought into my life to show me that there was still a large amount of healing that needed to transpire.
Every day since my break up, I have learned something new, gained new insight, found out someone new about myself. My friend likes to say: More will be revealed. I won\'t worry about the future for now, more about my future will be revelaed later, when I am ready for it.
WOW! I can\'t even begin to tell you how much I identify with this. I spent my Saturday night curled up in my room, journaling about this very same thing. I know it\'s healthier for me to be \"healthy\" and by mself, away from the horrible mind games of the ex, I still miss having someone there with me. I, too, dream of having a man to cuddle with, to just sit at a crowded bar having an intimate conversation amid all the noise. In the meantime, I am trying to remind myself that now is the time to just work on me; to learn how to be at peace by myself. I understand exactly where you are coming from and I pray that we find peace in the here and now until all our pieces can come together. Hang in there! We\'re all here for eachother!