Alone and okay?
For the first time in so many years, I am alone. Even though I do get feelings of loneliness at times, I really think I am okay. Of course, I've always thought too much and perhaps have a few issues with perfectionism and control, so I also question my aloneness.
I have considered that it would be helpful to my cousin or a male friend of mine to at least temporarily stay with me and I know it would ease my financial strain, as well. At this time, I would rather have the financial stress and to be alone in my space. The fact is, I don't want someone messing with my system. I want the house as it is, my diet as it is, my hours as they are and to just go with it.
A friend was looking at the house remodel and my progress with organizing, decorating etc. He kept asking where I was going to put this plant and asking why I arranged the den furniture in such a way. Because, that's how I wanted it! Just visiting, he was rearranging the cheese board and knives. I told him he was messing with my system.
So, I look and can see that right now, I am feeling the need to control my environment, to assert myself in this way. Given the years of compromising myself for others, I think it's probably healthy. I think it is good that I'm alone and actually finding my system.
At the same time, I have some realization that it is also very safe for me and that at some point, I may not want to be alone and will want to let someone back in. At least, it is my hope that I come to this point. I think I will know that I am ready and that it is right when I actually want to share my space and feel that it will be okay to merge my system with another's.
I have considered that it would be helpful to my cousin or a male friend of mine to at least temporarily stay with me and I know it would ease my financial strain, as well. At this time, I would rather have the financial stress and to be alone in my space. The fact is, I don't want someone messing with my system. I want the house as it is, my diet as it is, my hours as they are and to just go with it.
A friend was looking at the house remodel and my progress with organizing, decorating etc. He kept asking where I was going to put this plant and asking why I arranged the den furniture in such a way. Because, that's how I wanted it! Just visiting, he was rearranging the cheese board and knives. I told him he was messing with my system.
So, I look and can see that right now, I am feeling the need to control my environment, to assert myself in this way. Given the years of compromising myself for others, I think it's probably healthy. I think it is good that I'm alone and actually finding my system.
At the same time, I have some realization that it is also very safe for me and that at some point, I may not want to be alone and will want to let someone back in. At least, it is my hope that I come to this point. I think I will know that I am ready and that it is right when I actually want to share my space and feel that it will be okay to merge my system with another's.
Replies
This is \'fantastic\' to hear! Wonderful....really is after all you have been through.
bows in respect
I agree. I too have come to the decision that I like being alone. It\'s just my daughter and myself and I enjoy it that way. I don\'t want to compromise either. I think it simplifies things for me. Bravo to you. So many women can\'t seem to stand the loneliness and so they run to the first man that shows the slightest interest and lo and behold, the worst things usually happen. So again, I say bravo to you!
Cool!!