Alone and okay?
For the first time in so many years, I am alone. Even though I do get feelings of loneliness at times, I really think I am okay. Of course, I've always thought too much and perhaps have a few issues with perfectionism and control, so I also question my aloneness.
I have considered that it would be helpful to my cousin or a male friend of mine to at least temporarily stay with me and I know it would ease my financial strain, as well. At this time, I would rather have the financial stress and to be alone in my space. The fact is, I don't want someone messing with my system. I want the house as it is, my diet as it is, my hours as they are and to just go with it.
A friend was looking at the house remodel and my progress with organizing, decorating etc. He kept asking where I was going to put this plant and asking why I arranged the den furniture in such a way. Because, that's how I wanted it! Just visiting, he was rearranging the cheese board and knives. I told him he was messing with my system.
So, I look and can see that right now, I am feeling the need to control my environment, to assert myself in this way. Given the years of compromising myself for others, I think it's probably healthy. I think it is good that I'm alone and actually finding my system.
At the same time, I have some realization that it is also very safe for me and that at some point, I may not want to be alone and will want to let someone back in. At least, it is my hope that I come to this point. I think I will know that I am ready and that it is right when I actually want to share my space and feel that it will be okay to merge my system with another's.
I have considered that it would be helpful to my cousin or a male friend of mine to at least temporarily stay with me and I know it would ease my financial strain, as well. At this time, I would rather have the financial stress and to be alone in my space. The fact is, I don't want someone messing with my system. I want the house as it is, my diet as it is, my hours as they are and to just go with it.
A friend was looking at the house remodel and my progress with organizing, decorating etc. He kept asking where I was going to put this plant and asking why I arranged the den furniture in such a way. Because, that's how I wanted it! Just visiting, he was rearranging the cheese board and knives. I told him he was messing with my system.
So, I look and can see that right now, I am feeling the need to control my environment, to assert myself in this way. Given the years of compromising myself for others, I think it's probably healthy. I think it is good that I'm alone and actually finding my system.
At the same time, I have some realization that it is also very safe for me and that at some point, I may not want to be alone and will want to let someone back in. At least, it is my hope that I come to this point. I think I will know that I am ready and that it is right when I actually want to share my space and feel that it will be okay to merge my system with another's.
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