Alone

Today I feel so alone.  I am so tired of hearing "God only gives you as much as you can handle".  Why would God leave me here so alone at 53?  You took both of my parents with no warning, my aunt who was always my closest friend and now my husband.  You left me here to brave all of these storms alone.  I have been strong my whole life and I am seriously tired of it.  I am resentful and exhausted, yet I must brave on and take care of everything.   I want to go wild and give the world the finger and scream take care of yourselves for awhile I am out of here!  In the seven months since Scott died, I have taken care of so much business and so many house and land projects and battled to learn to cope being a widow and single parent.  All the while through navigating so many tragedies and having to be the strong one.  I finally felt I had made it through some major storms and was feeling proud of myself for persevering, when wham you hit me with negative people to bring me down and make me feel so unaccomplished.  Seriously!  I am glad I am writing this because I feel the strength coming back along with anger to stop these people from tryng to bring down my carefully constructed paper house.  I have been literally hiding for a week because I did not have the emotional strength to withstand their verbal abuse.  Now I feel like "Bring it on!"  I have done absolutely nothing to warrant such emotional abuse, I would not stand for it when Scott was alive..why should it be different now.  Only because at times I am weak and afraid and they surround me like vultures.  I am a compassionate, good person.  I have my faults that hurt no one but myself.  I am looked up to in the community, I am the rock everyone turns to and now I am learning to stand alone with out the strength of my husband, parents or best friend.  So today I will not hide, today I will not let those who should be supportive of me and my son make me feel like a lazy, incompetent fool.  Today I will now battle on.