Almost Episode
In a previous journal I mentioned that all three of the episodes that I have been aware of have taken place exactly 2 weeks and 1 day apart.
Well my last episode was exactly 2 weeks and 1 day ago. One of my episodes was triggered by fun music that I was dancing and singing along with. Today I remembered that because I was in the car and I started doing just that. I got scared and stopped, lowering the music. I went to my father's house, which is always stressful and I spent around 3-4 hours there.
When I left I got back in the car and turned on the music and it happened again, except this time it was different. I can only describe it as that I felt on the edge of it, like all I had to do was pump up the music and enjoy myself and I would be enjoying a euphoric manic episode. However, I was very afraid and I turned down the music. The fear kept me out of it I think.
Then I went into a Walmart to buy new jeans to accommodate my expanding waistline. A good 30-45 minutes later I came out, having forgotten about the bipolar thing in my quest for jeans that fit snugly and comfortably with extra room just in case. I got back in the car and I remembered.
I got afraid again, but this time I wasn't so afraid. I turned on my car and the radio came on with a song I love and I started singing along. Then I turned it up. Then I turned it up more. I found myself wanting the episode, wanting the euphoria, screw the crash afterwards I can deal with it then I want that euphoria!
But it didn't come. I did feel pretty good by the end of my drive, I was having a lot of fun, although I did feel oddly restless. I wasn't in the mania though. Then I went in to a 12 step meeting, during which I would have crashed if I had been manic so I doubly knew that I didn't get manic.
I was oddly disappointed.
So, now the question of the night. Did I make all of this up in my mind?
Well my last episode was exactly 2 weeks and 1 day ago. One of my episodes was triggered by fun music that I was dancing and singing along with. Today I remembered that because I was in the car and I started doing just that. I got scared and stopped, lowering the music. I went to my father's house, which is always stressful and I spent around 3-4 hours there.
When I left I got back in the car and turned on the music and it happened again, except this time it was different. I can only describe it as that I felt on the edge of it, like all I had to do was pump up the music and enjoy myself and I would be enjoying a euphoric manic episode. However, I was very afraid and I turned down the music. The fear kept me out of it I think.
Then I went into a Walmart to buy new jeans to accommodate my expanding waistline. A good 30-45 minutes later I came out, having forgotten about the bipolar thing in my quest for jeans that fit snugly and comfortably with extra room just in case. I got back in the car and I remembered.
I got afraid again, but this time I wasn't so afraid. I turned on my car and the radio came on with a song I love and I started singing along. Then I turned it up. Then I turned it up more. I found myself wanting the episode, wanting the euphoria, screw the crash afterwards I can deal with it then I want that euphoria!
But it didn't come. I did feel pretty good by the end of my drive, I was having a lot of fun, although I did feel oddly restless. I wasn't in the mania though. Then I went in to a 12 step meeting, during which I would have crashed if I had been manic so I doubly knew that I didn't get manic.
I was oddly disappointed.
So, now the question of the night. Did I make all of this up in my mind?
Replies
It was your reality so it is not made up and it appears you are \'leveling off\' and perhaps, also, finding more balance from having this new awareness.
This is very good.
:-) Patricia