Almost Episode
In a previous journal I mentioned that all three of the episodes that I have been aware of have taken place exactly 2 weeks and 1 day apart.
Well my last episode was exactly 2 weeks and 1 day ago. One of my episodes was triggered by fun music that I was dancing and singing along with. Today I remembered that because I was in the car and I started doing just that. I got scared and stopped, lowering the music. I went to my father's house, which is always stressful and I spent around 3-4 hours there.
When I left I got back in the car and turned on the music and it happened again, except this time it was different. I can only describe it as that I felt on the edge of it, like all I had to do was pump up the music and enjoy myself and I would be enjoying a euphoric manic episode. However, I was very afraid and I turned down the music. The fear kept me out of it I think.
Then I went into a Walmart to buy new jeans to accommodate my expanding waistline. A good 30-45 minutes later I came out, having forgotten about the bipolar thing in my quest for jeans that fit snugly and comfortably with extra room just in case. I got back in the car and I remembered.
I got afraid again, but this time I wasn't so afraid. I turned on my car and the radio came on with a song I love and I started singing along. Then I turned it up. Then I turned it up more. I found myself wanting the episode, wanting the euphoria, screw the crash afterwards I can deal with it then I want that euphoria!
But it didn't come. I did feel pretty good by the end of my drive, I was having a lot of fun, although I did feel oddly restless. I wasn't in the mania though. Then I went in to a 12 step meeting, during which I would have crashed if I had been manic so I doubly knew that I didn't get manic.
I was oddly disappointed.
So, now the question of the night. Did I make all of this up in my mind?
Well my last episode was exactly 2 weeks and 1 day ago. One of my episodes was triggered by fun music that I was dancing and singing along with. Today I remembered that because I was in the car and I started doing just that. I got scared and stopped, lowering the music. I went to my father's house, which is always stressful and I spent around 3-4 hours there.
When I left I got back in the car and turned on the music and it happened again, except this time it was different. I can only describe it as that I felt on the edge of it, like all I had to do was pump up the music and enjoy myself and I would be enjoying a euphoric manic episode. However, I was very afraid and I turned down the music. The fear kept me out of it I think.
Then I went into a Walmart to buy new jeans to accommodate my expanding waistline. A good 30-45 minutes later I came out, having forgotten about the bipolar thing in my quest for jeans that fit snugly and comfortably with extra room just in case. I got back in the car and I remembered.
I got afraid again, but this time I wasn't so afraid. I turned on my car and the radio came on with a song I love and I started singing along. Then I turned it up. Then I turned it up more. I found myself wanting the episode, wanting the euphoria, screw the crash afterwards I can deal with it then I want that euphoria!
But it didn't come. I did feel pretty good by the end of my drive, I was having a lot of fun, although I did feel oddly restless. I wasn't in the mania though. Then I went in to a 12 step meeting, during which I would have crashed if I had been manic so I doubly knew that I didn't get manic.
I was oddly disappointed.
So, now the question of the night. Did I make all of this up in my mind?
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