Almost 5 Years
Monday was the 24th. Two months from Monday will be five years since Josh's accident. Five years since I have heard his voice, since his smile and you know how much I miss that everything else. The last couple of days has been pretty bad. My mind keeps replaying that day in my head. After five years you would think I would not be going there anymore. But I still do. I remember it to well and sometimes wished I didn't. I remember being the first family member on the scene. I remember John coming up me running to him. Him holding me as I almost hit the ground. I remember Josh laying on that cold metal table at the hospital. I remember his black hair being wet where they tried washing the blood out. I remember his lips being cut from the braces. I remember his eyes blackened from the glasses. And the list goes on. One good memory is this. Josh went Christmas shopping the day before his accident. He came home with a little Belks bag and placed it under the tree. He said this is your present mama. Well Christmas Eve morning came and I ask John to wrap his present for me. Josh comes out of his room wanting to know what was wrong with his wrapping. I tell him nothing. I am wearing my earrings this morning that my angel gave me. I want my Josh back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like all of you wanting your children back. I am sorry I am such a downer this morning but this time of year SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you are the ones that truly understands!!
Replies
Rhonda,
I completely understand. I found my son dead in his room and I very much can empathise with your reliving the moments. I am also around the 5 year mark and things have improved for me but when those birhdays and angel dates come around I am still mush. All we can do is deal with what is in front of us at the moment and knowing we are not alone helps bunches . Hugs, Inga
Rhonda, you are not a downer. You are a mom who misses her son desperately and we all have certain times of the year that trigger the pain to bubble up to the surface. Do not ever feel the need to apologize for your feelings. Your sisters are here and ready to listen, love and support. How I wish you didn\'t have to feel this pain. Your wonderful son should be here; Josh should have had a long and full life. I am so sorry. Love and tight hugs and so much understanding, Linda
My tears just wont stop.. my heart and hugs are with you,,,I hate this time of year too.. I try not to see Morgan like I found her, I shake it from my mind,,but I know it will always haunt me,, love you,,
I\'m missing Josh with you and fighting back tears as I read your journal. I remember standing for a couple hours, wiping Clinton\'s face as blood trickled from his nose and mouth. I knew he was basically gone, but he would not want to be seen in such a mess. It is just what we do, it is who we are...and we remember. Lots of love and hugs to you dear sister...Lynn
So very sad....that you have to relive these awful images. I agree that this time of year will always be overwhelmingly sad for all of us moms. My heart is with you....I pray for peace for your heart....love, dale..brandon\'s mom
Rhonda, I believe this is a place that we never need to apologize for expressing our true feelings and where we can always be rest assured that we are among understanding and supportive friends. I totally understand where you\'re coming from. This is truly a difficult time of year. All the holidays we once spent with our departed children are no longer whole and the same, at least not for me. So we can rant and rave one day and smile the next day. It\'s all okay. And we hold those precious gifts they\'ve given us oh so close. Two months before Jared died, he gave me an oriental silk purse for my birthday. It\'s not something I would have purchased for myself but how I just love that purse! Sending you my love, hugs and peace for you in the days ahead. Diane
I feel for you. I so agree that this time of year sucks. It will be 2 years on December 1 - well actually a couple of days earlier but the official date is December 1, 2009. She and my granddaughter and SIL had flights booked to come home for Christmas. She never got to make the trip.
My friends who were very understanding now seem to think that I should not get teary eyed - they just don\'t understand. I just have to tell myself that they just do not know.
I am so sad that you are reliving that dreadful day. My heart goes out to you.
I wish I could come and give you a for real hug.
Love and virtual hugs,
Marlene
I honestly do not know how we all are able to survive this. Is it a Sorority or Club that I never signed up for. We all understand and you need a place where you can get this stuff out. That is why we are here for you. I know the people areound me are sick of hearing about my son - so I have not said much about him for awhile. That does not remove every second of every day wanting to hug my son and talk with him again. I bet he would have a joke for me, he always did. I hope you have some plans to be be gentle with your self on the angel date. Easier said than done but try to relax and let God\'s gentle love flow over you. Mary
I understand dear Rhonda and my heart aches with and for all of us. I\'m not sure either why we have to replay these awful images as we do yet it is universal among us.
Just be so gentle with yourself as you relive what you must and something that has helped me is to counter each death image with one of life. It doesn\'t always work as sometimes I just need BE in those last moments with Doug yet sometimes it eases a bit on the vice grips on my heart.
Loving care sent to you dearest friend and yes, this season brings with it so many challenges for each of us. I get it and this IS the place where you can come and let it all out.
Holding Josh, John, You and all who love your son in my heart.
I will light my candle today for ALL of us.
Love you, Joanie
Dear Rhonda, how my heart cries as I read your journal. It is the agony that tears at us and will never be gone. I know the pain so well and understand, dear sister. Keep his happy face in your mind and know you were the reason for his happiness. He will always be with you and by your side...take care of the mom he loved so much! XO Amber