HELP / FAQ
Help / FAQ
< Back to Richeart's Journal
Alive and Well
Things are going well. I'm still unhappy, and that's my problem, no one else's. Plus I'm learning where all this is coming from. Work, work, work.
Leave A Reply
Here is an article I though would be useful for you:
Thanks, but I feel \'pretending\' is an avoidance technique for competitive people. My preference is to lower my defenses, especially denial of hurts, from a dependent character type; excuses and blaming from a controlling personality defense; and pretending/fantasizing, which is a competitive person\'s defense.
I\'m getting an understanding of what has really happened, and still going on, and am feeling better. The biggest part is \'emotional debt\' as a coping behavior since early childhood. This book I\'m currently reading explains a lot of the symptoms you \'accuse\' [ ;^)] me of. So between the book and your observations, I\'m beginning to understand what\'s going on that I need to change. Whether it\'s exactly (absolutely/perfectionistic) or not doesn\'t matter; the question is do I feel better and am I getting better based on what I\'m reading? Right now, yes. My biggest defense is denial. (BTW, we all exhibit all three personality traits: dependent, controlling, and competitive. One is often preferred as our \'basic\', fall-back\' defense.) The thing is our defenses are GOOD things, to prevent us from being overwhelmed; it\'s when you don\'t face your hurts ASAP, or admit them that you get into trouble. At least this is what I\'m reading, and even feeling, to be true.
The dependent person (or co-dependent, same thing) is terrified of being abandoned and left alone or not being felt as loved or lovable. The controlling type, when scratched, are fundamentally the same; except they blame and make excuses so as not to appear \'reject-able\', which is the same motivation as the dependent: aloneness and a need to be loved and cared for. The competitive type are the \'people-pleasers, and attentiongetters; for the same reason. A mature model of each of these has some very good attributes when they\'re not trying to avoid being responsible for their hurts and pains. They all seem to abhor individualism and abandonment. The source, among others; early childhood, before walking and talking; although the process continues and gets built upon as one grows through childhood and adolescence and young-adulthood.
I won\'t go too much further is relating the book, suffice to say it\'s been a real help for me right now. I wanted answers and I\'m getting them. Ask (intend), and the Universe provides. Quantum Physics, again.
So the order of the day is too stop being so defensive about being hurt emotionally. Just because I felt I couldn\'t survive the pain THEN, doesn\'t mean I can\'t survive it NOW. The whole thing seems to circle around the self image as being abandoned for being unlovable. Once you agree to stop doing that to yourself, you get to where you can suffer a hurt and survive it. As it is, you believe (I believe) you need help to survive you own feelings, you want to believe you need help. As an infant in a crib, yes;as an adult, maybe not so much. The thing is, feelings are not facts, and when you apply your defenses first, the facts you do see are colored by your defense\'s perceptions of \'truth\'.
Interesting, to me at least.
Interesting how your perceptions shape your emotions and your feeings. It isn\'t pretending at all, it\'s called gettng a healthy perspective and stop whining.
I know this sounds harsh and in your mind you really think the more information you have the better it is for you. And it is, if you want to continue to wallow in the same behaviors.
From an oberservation point, it still looks like you are clining to your feelings refusing to let them go by justifying them. At some point, you just need to get over it all. Interesting you mention quantum physics, and intention... but what you are really focusing on is still the same stuff... your feelings and your emotions and why, why, why. An oberservation...it\'s OCD.. you are like a hoarder. you collect information and cling to your feelings. JMO...
Both OCD and hoarding are parts of the defense mechanisms. I\'m not perfect, yet I am progressing at my own pace. HOW I do it is not nearly as important as THAT I do it. If it were easy, I\'d write a book and cure everyone. Everyone has their own timetable. When I learn is also not important, that I stop repeating the same coping behaviors that have not worked until now does. To me, pretending is lying; I know. I\'ve been pretending to be healthy all my life, and it hasn\'t worked. In fact, it has made me who I am today.
Thanks for your opinion though. I\'ll keep working on it.
You know what, Gwen. I think it is perception. What you call obsession I now call passion. What you call compulsion, I call research. I\'m fine today, and I\'m geting better. \"I can\'t predict the future and I can\'t read minds.\" And I\'m beginning to accept that my world is a friendly place and I\'m in no immanent physical danger. The only \'real \' danger I\'m in is emotional, and refers to my \'image\'; how I want to be perceived instead of how I am. Once I accept who I am as lovable just like I am, and can love myself anyway...Game Over. I win!
And when will that be?
My perception is you keep moving the finishing line.
When you find some form of rationale, it somehow doesn\'t seem that easy so you look for more.
It is a concious decision to be happy and content...
At some point I would have said, it was an unconcious decision for you to be unhappy - but right now - it is absolutely a concious decision on your part to stay stuck.
I think you are afraid.
Most emotional states are based very heavily on two concepts: perception and reality.
More specifically, since emotional states are personal to us,(I\'m sure you can relate to this.) they are based on OUR perception of reality. Both of these together drive our happiness. This is a FACT.
For instance, if you have a decent salary, your own house, in and of itself you might be happy. But often perception of reality ruins this - your neighbor is richer, better looking, has a great relationship, drives a great car and has loads more friends - or at least this is what your perceive. (Hmmmm, thou shall not covet they neighbor)
This perception makes you miserable because you want to be like them.
or think you need to be or should be. Whereas the reality of the situation may be that they are jealous of you for some other reason; their life is never as rosy as it looks. It is just your perception.
It is by shifting your attitude to perception and reality that can and does turn you from unhappy to happy.
What does that mean in practice? It means that you should alter your perceptions of the world around you: rather than biasing it against you all the time and making your reality worse than that for others, change it around so that your perception shows you off in the best possible light.
By doing this the worries of the world will lift from your shoulders and happiness will be much easier to come by. Note that this is not self-deception: the perception that we apply to other people normally is weigh off the mark of reality, so it is merely addressing the balance back in your favour, where in reality it probably is all along.
I\'m beginning to pick-up on your perceptions. They\'re very negative (based on quantum physics) and also seem to involve one of the \"distorted thinking patterns\" yu sent me to study: Either/or thinking. I\'m either sick, or healthy, according to you dictates and scale. You need to stop doing this.
My healing is not \"black or white\", it\'s on a scale of one to ten, between the two poles of healthy and \'sick\'. No one goes from ten to one in one step. If I say I was an eight before, and now I\'m a seven, that\'s progress. It\'s not either/or. If my speed of healing and learning is bothering you, it may be because of some old unresolved feelings YOU have; as a projection. Your sounds of anger (my perception and frustration) are your feelings, about MY behavior and progress, which are causing uncomfortable feeling of anger about yourself or past experiences.
Two things you need to know: people haeal at their own pace and will heal when they are ready to heal themselves and face their pain; and therapy is not about getting people to trust you, it\'s about getting them to trust themselves. The whole illness of co-dependency is mainly about \"dependency\", not being responsible for themselves and accepting themselves. It\'s not about continuing to depend on others for approval and direction.
Changing the neurons and physical structure of the brain is neither simple or easy. A bullet to the head can do it, but causes too much damage, too quickly. Plus, you need to know what to change.
The basic premise for my identity right now is that \"I\'m Bad and I deserve to be punished\", so I continue to punish myself. It\'s very important that i know and understand that, whether it\'s true or not. It is one of the things i need to change. It\'s a behavior in thinking and feeling. I\'m not going to write all I know about that right now, you\'re just going to have to believe me. It goes way back, and is very common.
Positive thinking for me is like \"New Year\'s Resolutions\". Thinking and wishing doesn\'t make it so. Activity, intent, trying and failing as you direct your intentions is the way to go. I\'m not going to quit trying to heal simply because I didn\'t get it right today. Failure and mistakes do mean I\'m a failure or a mistake. Using failure to quit is an excuse. The truth is, I am progressing and I am healing.I\'m not finished, and I\'ll never be finished; I will eventually be happier though.
That\'s my opinion, for now.
Nice deflection.. but totally untrue. It\'s how you see it. If you don\'t change your thinking nothing changes.
I can live with that. As I said, the point is still to know which thoughts to change. The way I do that is to track my true feelings to the thoughts that are causing them.
I\'m going to have to ask you to STOP invalidating my feelings and my comments. I\'m feeling very controlled by your comments and your constant \'corrections\' and argumentative style. We both have very strong opinions and I\'m not going to defend or argue with you about mine anymore. My perceptions are the correct ones, since their mine, and they will be changed in time as I continue to depend on them and learn what works and what doesn\'t work for me.
I feel I am changing my thinking, it\'s just not in the way you \'approve\'. To me that \'approval\' feeling is a little too controlling and too reminiscent of dependency. I\'ve experienced that with several \'mother\' types, and I\'m changing that habit and reacting. I\'m going to trust myself for now and validate my own feelings. I do appreciate you bringing this uncomfortable feeling to my attention, though, so I can become aware of it and work through the past anger and pain on my own.
Join the Conversation