Aleesia Cara
http://www.vevo.com/watch/USUV71602168?syndicationid=bb8a16ab-1279-4f17-969b-1dba5eb60eda&shortlink=hbdg1j&isLegacyLink=true
My name is Elissa... My daughter who died is named Cara... The young lady who is doing this song... is Alessia Cara.... For me the message of the song... Oh I pray people everywhere can take this message deep into their soul... let go of the pain... you don't have to change a thing... you're perfect just the way you are... Let the world change its heart...
I'm 60 years old and still struggling...Yes the struggle is less now... lot of things contribute to that... I am not dependent on the world so much any more... my health is such that I don't deal with living so much as facing my mortality... so not so much need for acceptance... the world didn't love me when I wanted so desperately to belong... and now... ah in a way its freeing... so I can joke about having a Rhett Butler persona thing going on...
but I totally believe a lot of what killed my daughter... was that she never felt quite 'good' enough... How could I have taught her to be self confident... I spent most of my life dreading all the ugly things I thought people were thinking and saying about me... Its sad... I didn't mean to hurt my children... I loved and love them beyond any love I have ever felt... I don't know why I felt so lacking... but I did... and oh my goodness... the world is a battering ram for fragile hearts...
Anyway... today God gifted me... I think this young lady is awesome... and I love her name... almost a perfect combination of my name and my daughter's name... I love it... and her music... wow...
Replies
I just looked her up and I could not tell from your link which song as she has several that each seem to be very meaningful. I believe I read that she is just twenty and to have such a gift, wow! Isn't it just so incredible when these happenings come our way and you found just what you needed for a lift? Yes, her name such a close match to yours and your daughter. No coincidences there. :) Thank you for sharing her as I was not familiar with her as an artist.
I can see so many generational scars that I passed along to my two and what I notice now is that our daughter is taking what she liked from our parenting, tossing out what she didn't and creating what works for their family. My mom used to say that the moment we hold these babies the big G for guilt is forever blazed on our hearts and we just do our best however chaotic and messy it may feel. Knowing that there must be some glimmers, some positivity that we passed along in the midst of those moments when we so wish we could have a do over.
I'm not sure why these earth suits of ours can feel so cumbersome at times and why we cannot feel comfortable resting in the knowledge that we have always been enough just as we are. The constant striving, grasping and at what???
I remember in Al-Anon meetings how they would tell us not to compare our insides to another's outside. We just cannot truly know, can we, what someone else is carrying? Deepest of sighs...
Huge (((hugs))) of care and I hope too that your foot is healing.
XO Joanie
Oh yes, this world definitely is a battering ram for fragile hearts!! Sometimes I deeply hate this life and most people in it! Funny how people are so quick to judge and mock, but they are totally blind to the pain and brokenness around them.
Sunshine hugs to you, dear Elissa! xxx
Aw, Elissa. I have felt much the same way. And what both breaks my heart and burns my butt is knowing that, yes, my children were not treated the best by me, either, but it is also true that I gave them all I had to give, and I did not give them near what I got as far as ill treatment goes, as I got not just from my mother but other family members as well. I worked HARD to do things differently. And unfortunately that was still not enough to keep from significantly injuring my children anyway, albeit unintentionally. To me, they were my charges. I was to take care of and have responsibility for nurturing them and raising them up right. On the other hand, to my mother I was more like her "belonging", and I was the one to be responsible for her happiness. I was to do as I was told because she told me so, period. Now, there is some credibility to that. Children are supposed to obey and respect their parents. But they are to learn that by being respected by their parents, not having it demanded from them. That is not respect, that is compliance.
So anyway, as I began to look at myself and what I've done to my children as I brought them up, I not only began to see what had been done to me but then began to see that what was done to me was probably also done to them by their parents, and so on. Then my perspective became one more of myself as being a dot on a line with lots of dots on it; as being on a continuum rather than only me.
Right now my daughter is 31 and still defining her own independence. So I am highly unlikely to have much positive influence on trying to help her except by continuing to seek my own healing and understanding. And by accepting the fact that it has to be her choice, too. And also by recognizing the fact that I still have time to spend with my dear grandson, who I have a very close and warm relationship with. And ironically, that seems to be little by littel drawing my daughter's attention!! :)
Luvs and hugs, Eve.
Elissa That was beautiful and so are you. Yes we feel guilt tremendous guilt. Tomorrow will be Jerreds 24th angel day his big brother carries still so much guilt in his heart and blame for his brother drowning even though he himself was only 8. It has taken all of us years to accept that God needed Jerred more then we did and it was no ones fault. My guilt comes in because I stayed with their father for so many years. You see he was an alcoholic and I put him through 9 programs in 12 years. By the time he left our home both my boys self=esteem was in the dunp and I had been so busy trying to have the perfect little family and keeping us together I did not see what was happening. When my ex was in a program I turned to my oldest son way to much to be the man around the house thus taking his childhood away. My youngest I did not know everytime his father was home he was verbally and mentally abusing him. He also physically abused my boys when I was at work nights this I just found out last december and I cried so hard and asked both of them why they did not tell me that he was using the belt on the them. If I had known he would have been gone right then and there as I had told him before Jono my oldest was even born that there would be only slapped hands when touching something dangerous and pats on their butts to get their attention as to the severity of what they had done. No hard spankings or anything more talking than anything else. Well each of my boys told me I was working so hard and had so much to take care of that you see even though I made many mistakes I am blessed as my sons realized I was always there for them even if I did not do things quite right. Both have them have turned into wonderful young men. My oldest has a fabulous fiance who understands him and keeps him grounded as he is the one who has been very close to walking his dads footsteps and become an alcoholic. I pray so hard it never happens and he has slowed his drinking way down and it no longer is his goal to get drunk all the time he is out. My youngest is a great daddy BUT he does treat his natural born son too much like his dad treated him. My daughter-in-law and I are working very hard to get him to see what he is doing and I remind him how he felt and to think before he acts when it comes to Joshie. He does not do this to his adopted son Logan anywhere near as much it mainly is turned at Joshie. There is another point of MY guilt as I feel I did not protect my boys like I should have. But I know I did the very best I could and that is all any of us can ask and do. Both of my sons are very close to me and check on me often I babysit my babies once a week now. I also now have a boyfriend and my two watch like hawks to make sure he treats me right. They are so over protective of me now as adults just as I was when they were children.
Do I feel the world has judged me through everything I went....Oh Yeah......but it means nothing to me because I know in my heart I did what I felt was best at the time and God was carrying me through it all.
We all have suffered the worst loss a parent can but we also did the best we could with our other children. We are not perfect and can be expected or judge because we are not no one on this earth is. I now take every little bit I get with my sons as a gift and my grand babies are the most precious part of my life especially Joshie he is so much like Jerred was and I see that as a gift from God. Not a replacement for Jerred but a continum of him.
Anytime you need to talk I am here for you always,
Blessings and Big Hugs to you my friend,
Susie
Elissa, it seems to be a fact of life that we cannot teach what we do not know... I know I would do things much differently as far as raising the kids now. I am a different person, somewhat wiser but oh, I have forgotten so much too. I think we do all that we can at the time for our yun-yuns and we just have to live with ourselves later, whether we like it or not. The songs are beautiful just like you and your sweet Cara and I am so glad you got a moment or two of peace from them. Sending you lots of love and prayers of healing, Leda
Elissa, this singer's name must truly be a sign. Cara is nearby. I too have guilt about all the mistakes I made when raising Eddie. I was blessed to have opportunities to apologize to Ed before he died but that being said, I still feel sad and guilty about some things. But we did our best with what we knew at the time. We did not intentionally hurt our children. I wish I had all the tools in the toolbox back then but I didn't. I feel like Cara and Ed know our hearts. Love and hugs, Linda
Oh how I have felt the same way!!! I was made to feel so badly about myself growing up, had to scratch and claw my way to any self-esteem at all. When I had Cassi, I wanted to give her the life that I had wanted, and I told her all the time how grateful I was to have been blessed to be her mother. But I still had baggage from my childhood. You aren't raised in dysfunction and then automatically shake it all off when you turn 18 or 21. I am sure Cassi picked up on my low self-esteem and no matter how much I tried to build her up, children do what you do, not what you say. Age changes you, now I am so much more self-assured...if only I could do it all over again with the level of maturity I am at now. Much Love, Gina