Aha! Moment

Frustrating, and positive.  After my entry yesterday, and by adding some of the previous entries revelations that were pre-conscious, I realized something that I want to practice doing, accomplish: awareness of that Judging voice (along with self-pity, fear, and self-importance). It's an observation of something I am changing; an awareness of something I have been doing for a long time.  By having it suggested that I make friends with my "Boo Voice", and starting to do that, I realize that the "voice of judgment" is not a seperate entity. It sounds like it, but it isn't. Originally the voice came from outside, from authority figures; then I started doing it to myself. I was trained to behave myself through guilt inside instead of from direction outside. I didn't need my faults pointed out, I was taught to point them out to myself, and avoid them. The important point here is that "I" am creating that voice, and I am denying that I am creating it. That hateful voice is not something else, that has a seperate right to talk to me. I am denying any responsibility for the voice, and I am listening to it and following it's dictates as if I have no choice in what it says to me, or directs me to do or feel. That's not a true understanding of the situation. It's not something other than me, it "IS" me, I'm just treating it as something that is not a part of me. When it tells me to fear, I fear; when it tells me to be ashamed, I feel ashamed; when it tells me to be sad, I feel sad, WITHOUT ever questioning it, without ever saying NO!, "I won't do that", "I won't feel that". The point is, that if I an creating that voice (and I am) then I can control it, and be responsible for how I respond to it. Not REACT to it, RESPOND to it. To know I have a choice, to be aware, about how I want to feel and act. None of it is automatic. I am beginning to express my wants, instead of "IT'S"wants. IT is me, in a covert form, hidden from detection;and I am the one hiding it's source, it's creator. I don't have to be perfect all the time at it, and I accept that I will continue to fail as I learn how to do it better. One of the best lessons I've learned here while on DS is to allow myself to fail, and be imperfect; and know that it's okay for me to be that way. I am a "sinner", so what? All humans are, depending on whose needs are being judged unmet. Whose viewpoint am "I" choosing to agree to use; and do "I" have a choice? I do, once I am aware I do have a choice.   So now I am teaching myself to be more aware of all my thoughts and take more responsibility for how and what I say to myself, since I am creating all those thoughts myself anyway. It's only me in here, in my mind; and there's no longer two of us, me and the Judge, there is only me; that's the reality. It may take take a while to incorporate it, so be it. I have all the time I need. Another AHA! is the notion that I have spent my life AVOIDING pain and unhappiness, and backing away from it; which is symbolic for "not looking where I am going", just backing up. A better habit may be to start looking for what I want in the form of happiness, to look where I am, and where I'm going in order to get that happiness that "I" want. To suit "MY" needs, instead of sacrificing my needs in order to obey rules that do not help me feel better about myself, to not exclude myself from the exterior world, or exclude it from me. To do both. To unite myself, and unite my inner and outer experiences in order to be happier. To be balanced. Makes sense to me...   

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Makes sense to me too. :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

Perhaps our different thoughts represent our different characters. Maybe your judge needs to be reigned in a touch and to be told to pipe down, hehe