AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen wishing my fingers could type what is inside my head. Almost 2 weeks ago I started a slow weaning process to get off xanax. I realized that even though I feel I need this medicine, I cannot keep taking it after 8 years straight of ridiculous doses. My psychiatrist put me on 2mg/day about 4 months ago, which was the lowest I've been on in awhile. It would ONLY help with withdrawals after a month of taking it. I wouldn't even be having anxiety but would have to take a xanax to stop the withdrawal symptoms. If I had a panic attack I would have to take 2mg at a time to help with that. So I wasn't going to have enough xanax to last me until my next Dr apt. I talked to her and scheduled a week early and going to talk to her about this.
I'm her only patient that she gives out that much xanax to because of how long I've been on it and I cannot just stop taking it cold turkey (risks of seizures and death).
Even though I have to figure a way to deal with my agoraphobia and anxiety/panic attacks eventually without xanax, I realized I cannot keep doing this. This stupid pill has a hold on me so bad. My son is 7 months old now. I don't want him growing up seeing his mom like this. He is my main motivation right now because sometimes I feel like this is impossible.
So for about 2 weeks I've been taking a total of 2mg of xanax at a scheduled time. I take .5mg at 1pm, .5mg at 5pm, and 1mg at 11pm. It's hell. When I start reducing my dose, I don't even know how it's going to be. Cause right now I'm just stabilizing myself on a controlled dose. Stable...that's a joke. I take my first dose of xanax in a few minutes and I'm freaking out. Not the anxiety I'm used to. It's like a anxiety I cannot explain. Not panic. My body burns, my arms feel like they are on fire on the inside, my brain hurts...not like a headache though. I'm foggy, everywhere I feel pain...irritable, not myself. This is GOOD for me right now than what it can be. Usually after the 5pm dose I'm still going through this. Because .5mg is like a joke to me, it's nothing...it puts the hardcore withdrawals at ease. About an hour before I take my 11pm dose, that's when it really hits me mostly.
Example. About 3 days ago. Around 10pm I start with the head hurting, random twitching in my legs, arms, fingers, clammy hands. By 10:30 it felt like all hell broke loose. My ears felt like they were going to explode, the burning, the pain, muscle spasms, I was sweating like crazy and I never sweat, uncontrollable crying. My husband took me out on the balcony for fresh air. The lights were moving from the contrast of the dark against the light, everything seemed to be moving. I go sit by Dan and close my eyes, crying. Open them and look down on the concrete of our balcony. Stare for a second and jump up and freak out and start screaming. I hallucinated there were 3 huge bugs crawling all over the floor. They were just black spots on the concrete. Dan brought me inside. I was holding my ears because they hurt so bad and just cried so hard begging to make this stop. I made it to 11pm and took the xanax. 30 minutes later the withdrawals started to subside. I had a headache, occasional twitching, sensitivity to light/sound, clammy hands...but that's about it. There were 2 times that it got that bad.
*takes xanax*
I cannot go to a rehab/residential program (even though I called a bunch) because my husband cannot take off work and we cannot afford daycare/babysitting at all right now. The only person I know around here is my mom and she definitely cannot take off work. Outpatient programs, same thing. I have to do this from home. But when I see my Dr on the 10th I don't think she's going to know how to properly ween me from xanax, she doesn't have experience with this. I read it could take years to be off xanax.
Just got a phone call from one of the ladies I spoke to from the outpatient program I was looking into. To go there I would have to go to detox at a hospital and then go to their treatment. I told her my situation and she said her concern is that I'm doing it from home and that people have died from doing that. She told me to call my Dr again and work something out if I can even before the 10th then call her back to see if they can work something out to help me. After getting off the phone I just started crying. I'm TERRIFIED of this. It's so hard, so scary.
For 8 years, I have taken a xanax when I had anxiety, panic attacks, or had to leave the house. I do not have that crutch anymore. I don't know how to deal with panic without popping a pill. I've gotten attacks and they have been so bad but I had to just ride them out even though I wanted to take a xanax SO bad, I didn't. And I'm proud of myself for that, but it's hell. But I'm afraid of leaving my house, so I take a xanax to be able to go out. Now I don't have that. Yesterday my husband went to dinner with his parents and grandma. I wanted to go so bad but knew I couldn't do it. And I couldn't risk having a panic attack and being away from home without taking a xanax. But I can't take more than 2mg/day or I'll mess this up. I feel so alone. I need support. I want my life back and manageable without the drug. This is the beginning of a long road. I pray I can make it though.
I'm her only patient that she gives out that much xanax to because of how long I've been on it and I cannot just stop taking it cold turkey (risks of seizures and death).
Even though I have to figure a way to deal with my agoraphobia and anxiety/panic attacks eventually without xanax, I realized I cannot keep doing this. This stupid pill has a hold on me so bad. My son is 7 months old now. I don't want him growing up seeing his mom like this. He is my main motivation right now because sometimes I feel like this is impossible.
So for about 2 weeks I've been taking a total of 2mg of xanax at a scheduled time. I take .5mg at 1pm, .5mg at 5pm, and 1mg at 11pm. It's hell. When I start reducing my dose, I don't even know how it's going to be. Cause right now I'm just stabilizing myself on a controlled dose. Stable...that's a joke. I take my first dose of xanax in a few minutes and I'm freaking out. Not the anxiety I'm used to. It's like a anxiety I cannot explain. Not panic. My body burns, my arms feel like they are on fire on the inside, my brain hurts...not like a headache though. I'm foggy, everywhere I feel pain...irritable, not myself. This is GOOD for me right now than what it can be. Usually after the 5pm dose I'm still going through this. Because .5mg is like a joke to me, it's nothing...it puts the hardcore withdrawals at ease. About an hour before I take my 11pm dose, that's when it really hits me mostly.
Example. About 3 days ago. Around 10pm I start with the head hurting, random twitching in my legs, arms, fingers, clammy hands. By 10:30 it felt like all hell broke loose. My ears felt like they were going to explode, the burning, the pain, muscle spasms, I was sweating like crazy and I never sweat, uncontrollable crying. My husband took me out on the balcony for fresh air. The lights were moving from the contrast of the dark against the light, everything seemed to be moving. I go sit by Dan and close my eyes, crying. Open them and look down on the concrete of our balcony. Stare for a second and jump up and freak out and start screaming. I hallucinated there were 3 huge bugs crawling all over the floor. They were just black spots on the concrete. Dan brought me inside. I was holding my ears because they hurt so bad and just cried so hard begging to make this stop. I made it to 11pm and took the xanax. 30 minutes later the withdrawals started to subside. I had a headache, occasional twitching, sensitivity to light/sound, clammy hands...but that's about it. There were 2 times that it got that bad.
*takes xanax*
I cannot go to a rehab/residential program (even though I called a bunch) because my husband cannot take off work and we cannot afford daycare/babysitting at all right now. The only person I know around here is my mom and she definitely cannot take off work. Outpatient programs, same thing. I have to do this from home. But when I see my Dr on the 10th I don't think she's going to know how to properly ween me from xanax, she doesn't have experience with this. I read it could take years to be off xanax.
Just got a phone call from one of the ladies I spoke to from the outpatient program I was looking into. To go there I would have to go to detox at a hospital and then go to their treatment. I told her my situation and she said her concern is that I'm doing it from home and that people have died from doing that. She told me to call my Dr again and work something out if I can even before the 10th then call her back to see if they can work something out to help me. After getting off the phone I just started crying. I'm TERRIFIED of this. It's so hard, so scary.
For 8 years, I have taken a xanax when I had anxiety, panic attacks, or had to leave the house. I do not have that crutch anymore. I don't know how to deal with panic without popping a pill. I've gotten attacks and they have been so bad but I had to just ride them out even though I wanted to take a xanax SO bad, I didn't. And I'm proud of myself for that, but it's hell. But I'm afraid of leaving my house, so I take a xanax to be able to go out. Now I don't have that. Yesterday my husband went to dinner with his parents and grandma. I wanted to go so bad but knew I couldn't do it. And I couldn't risk having a panic attack and being away from home without taking a xanax. But I can't take more than 2mg/day or I'll mess this up. I feel so alone. I need support. I want my life back and manageable without the drug. This is the beginning of a long road. I pray I can make it though.
Replies
I have become totally psycho after quitting benzos cold turkey. I take mine as needed and try not to cross the line. I do pretty well with that. I admire your courage and determination. You can overcome this trial and find freedom from the grip of fear. All in time. Just know I am here for you if you need to vent during this difficult time. Hugs.
I pray you will make it through. Were I live detox centers will not take people detoxing off of xanax because it is so dangerous. You sound like you are doing an amazing job from home. I know they said it is dangerous there, but I can\'t imagine a facility taking any better care than you. You show your strength in how you have set up times that you take it and refusing to take it when you do have panic attacks. I can\'t imagine what you are going through even though you describe it well.
I allowed a girl in my house to was clothes because she didn\'t have a washer and dryer at the time. She stole my klonopin and adderall and blood pressure medicine. It was a terrible month for me because my doctor said he believed something bad could happen like that but that he wasn\'t allowed by law to prescribe more in a month. My husband went around borrowing some from people he knew. We didn\'t know who had stolen them the first time and she was allowed back into our home. She stole the ones my husband had borrowed from friends. So I had to finish out the month without my Klonopin. I know Klonopin isn\'t as strong as Xanax, but I had terrible withdrawals too so I can feel for you. You sound as if you have more of a plan and are sticking to it better than I did. I wish you well. You are off to a great start even if it has been alone so far.
Prayers and hugs.