Again!!

  Woke up today and found my emotional and mental states walking on the razor's edge. (Physically not so good, either, but right now am more concerned about the others).  I'm trying really, really, REALLY hard NOT to fall into the Pit of Despair, NOT to get depressed...but it's funny how you can despair and get depressed about being in despair and depression. And sometimes that's all it takes and over you go.  I'm trying to fight it. I'm trying not to start the "Whymewhythiswhythisnowwhenwillitend...etc." stuff because the questions are endless, unanswerable, and eventually lead to despair BECAUSE they're endless and unanswerable. I'm trying really hard to focus on the fact that the Episodes are getting less intense and fewer and far between (albeit the improvement is unbearably S-L-O-W; but things ARE improving.  Once again, when the mental and emotional parts of you get attacked, and access to all the optimism and strength you have is denied, all you're left with is a big swamp of all the negative shit that's going on in your life. During times like these, I get overcome with the senses of helplessness and feelings of powerlessness, which I hate. Having epilepsy has already established these things firmly into my psyche; not being able to just get in the car and GO get things done, or just change my environment -go to the beach or a nice park or a movie by myself, is disabling. (Put your car in the shop for a week without a loaner and you'll see what I mean).  Even walking down the block with my kid was out, because if I had a seizure, there'd be 10 seconds to 10 minutes of my child being basically unprotected, plenty of time for some pervert in a car to make off with her (Samantha Runyan was taken from her 2nd story bedroom, a place you would think would be totally safe. And the poor dear wasn't just killed; her last hours on this earth were literally torture). Anyway, up to now, being with L meant Staying At Home. Period.   However, she'll be 10 this December. She's much more mature, and knows what to do when approached by a stranger. We got her a cell phone so she could call for help if I started to have a seizure, thus we've been able to go out together without having to have another adult with us. (This is especially wonderful because other than my husband, who works the weekend and 3 of the weekdays, there is no other grownup). BUT... when I'm menopausal, my incidences of seizures goes up (had one just last Sunday), so when I feel bad, no going out. Period.  That brings me to another pile of shit in my swamp: no friends. The school year just started and I'm trying to make new friends amongst the other mothers. Most of them live in the neighborhood and since our kids go to the same school, we've already got a lot in common.But when I get into these emotional drops....I REALLY need someone. I don't just mean the friend whom you wave to and tell them their lawn looks good. I need the kind whom I can call when I'm crying and they'll happily give me all the support, reassuarance, and encouragement I need to get over these hurdles. In return, I will do the same, naturally. And you can't start a relationship on Desperation (if you've ever been approached by another adult who desperately wanted to be your friend, you know that there's nothing more repulsive or pitiful). So I have to bide my time and cross my fingers.    Just had a cry and reread my entry. Such introvertive garbage! Don't I have something better to do with my life besides moan about how I have no close friends to go to when I need to get out or when I feel like shit?I was going to cancel this entry like I've done twice before, but I think I'll leave it, not because I want whoever reads it to think that I'm a whiny butt, but to show just what can happen when Menopause hits and all your inner fortresses come tumbling down. Many of the women here on this site mention how they think they're going crazy. Some have to take anti-depressants (which I don't want todo).  I nursed my mom through years of cancer, dealt with her denial and refusal to do anything to help herself, dealt with my brother and sister abandoning us because they couldn't deal with it, until she finally died in our arms (bro & sis were there at the end). I mourned, picked up my life, and went on. It's amazing to think how I endured that, but when I'm menopausal, the fact that the day is overcast and gloomy, and I have to make dinner, makes me curl up in a fetal position and bawl like a 3-month-old.   But I know I'm not alone. I have you ladies. Even though we don't talk on the phone or go over to each others houses, when I log on and I find all the hugs in my hugbook.....it let's me know that I at least have you.   Don't despair, I say to all of you as well as to myself. Do whatever you need to do to get over this, then pick up and move on. Because we've got a lot of living yet to do.  I'm reminded yet again of a documentary I saw about a 12-yr-old who had a rare disorder that caused his bones to continually grow in a haphazard fashion. Despite the fact that he could only stagger, he joined a soccer team. During a match, he had to take several breaks to go over to the sidelines, sit down and cry because the pain was incredible. During the last quarter, he finally gave in to his mother's offers of painkillers, and he got up and staggered back onto the field. That kid will spend the rest of his life undergoing operation after operation, months of recovery, physical therapy, and pain, because there's no known cure for his condition. For me, one of these days I'll wake up and I'll no longer be in menopause.  And if that little kid can take the time he needs to go cry, then get up and get back in the game, dammit, so can I.