Afternoon: *Trigger Warning*
Simply put, I'm not looking forward to this evening. The councilor.. her name is Asylum now. Anyway, she just doesn't help. She has this way of making me feel small and insignificant. Always reminds me that I can't control anything. Well no shit ma'am, that's partly why I have so many of the problems that I do. I don't have control. I know, why do you bang it in my head over and over again like I haven't heard you? I HEARD YOU!
I can't breathe! She's trying to force me into this mold that society will take in. People want me to conform into everything that will benefit whose hurt me. I can't take it!
Some of my taxes go to my ex. Perfectly capable of working but stays on welfare. He takes away from the people who actually need it. He had the strength to throw me against walls and floors. He had strength slam me down, choke me, fuck me, beat me. I still have three huge scars from where he cut in me with his knife... yet he can't work? I'm still paying him even away from him. Everyone is. You'd think murdering my daughter in my womb would have been enough for him but nothings ever enough for him. I've always spoke kind and took the blame. I kept things he did to me quiet because I was desperate to feel anything. I was embarrassed. There is so much shit that I have kept bound to me and now that I'm being forced to see the Asylum, things that I try so hard to block are resurfacing.
Rexy can't hear me, doesn't believe me, or just doesn't care when I tell her things are worse. She's absolutely perfect, so how could she understand? I can't do anything about the situation and maybe she can't either. But this isn't helping. I think she was naive enough it buy it, but It hurt my face to play pretend like I was okay today in front of her. Especially when she started saying she's never been skinny. I wanted to curse her but I held my tongue. She's s.t.u.n.n.i.n.g.!!!!!, looks so much younger than her age, her eyes look like they've been crafted by the rarest of jewels, her smile is crafted by angels... don't even get me started on her voice. I love making like I have no clue on some things just to hear her speak. She's got vocals that are like euphoric silk....yet she has the nerve to take it there... Like..??? Just no, I can't! It pisses me off because I absolutely admire her as an artist and as a person. Yet she's got me in pain. As an instructor she's good, she is, but she lets students walk all over her and I can't do anything about it. I wish she could get a bit of a spine sometimes. NOT like she did with me, this is just brutal right now. But when people disrupt the class or constantly have her copying pages of a book. That enables those students to be lazy. Low key, I'm glad she's not satisfied with my first paper. I'll never tell her that though. Plus she gave a quiz over an article. I was clapping in my room over that one. She deserves to be respected. She deserves to have students listen and participate in the lessons that she has prepared. Now I feel low because I haven't been in class, but our situation is a little bit different too. I just don't know what to think.
I just wish she wasn't treating me so differently. :/
I'll update tonight. I can't believe it's time to go to the Asylum now. I feel sick on all levels! :/ :/ :/
I can't breathe! She's trying to force me into this mold that society will take in. People want me to conform into everything that will benefit whose hurt me. I can't take it!
Some of my taxes go to my ex. Perfectly capable of working but stays on welfare. He takes away from the people who actually need it. He had the strength to throw me against walls and floors. He had strength slam me down, choke me, fuck me, beat me. I still have three huge scars from where he cut in me with his knife... yet he can't work? I'm still paying him even away from him. Everyone is. You'd think murdering my daughter in my womb would have been enough for him but nothings ever enough for him. I've always spoke kind and took the blame. I kept things he did to me quiet because I was desperate to feel anything. I was embarrassed. There is so much shit that I have kept bound to me and now that I'm being forced to see the Asylum, things that I try so hard to block are resurfacing.
Rexy can't hear me, doesn't believe me, or just doesn't care when I tell her things are worse. She's absolutely perfect, so how could she understand? I can't do anything about the situation and maybe she can't either. But this isn't helping. I think she was naive enough it buy it, but It hurt my face to play pretend like I was okay today in front of her. Especially when she started saying she's never been skinny. I wanted to curse her but I held my tongue. She's s.t.u.n.n.i.n.g.!!!!!, looks so much younger than her age, her eyes look like they've been crafted by the rarest of jewels, her smile is crafted by angels... don't even get me started on her voice. I love making like I have no clue on some things just to hear her speak. She's got vocals that are like euphoric silk....yet she has the nerve to take it there... Like..??? Just no, I can't! It pisses me off because I absolutely admire her as an artist and as a person. Yet she's got me in pain. As an instructor she's good, she is, but she lets students walk all over her and I can't do anything about it. I wish she could get a bit of a spine sometimes. NOT like she did with me, this is just brutal right now. But when people disrupt the class or constantly have her copying pages of a book. That enables those students to be lazy. Low key, I'm glad she's not satisfied with my first paper. I'll never tell her that though. Plus she gave a quiz over an article. I was clapping in my room over that one. She deserves to be respected. She deserves to have students listen and participate in the lessons that she has prepared. Now I feel low because I haven't been in class, but our situation is a little bit different too. I just don't know what to think.
I just wish she wasn't treating me so differently. :/
I'll update tonight. I can't believe it's time to go to the Asylum now. I feel sick on all levels! :/ :/ :/
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