Afternoon Insights

Two ideas cme to me this afternoon (and thank you G for your input). 1) Avoidance and obsessive-compulsive (perfectionist) habits. I've never really asked what I'm afraid of that I have to be perfect and avoidant of; which is embarassment and humiliation. Interesting. What makes it interesting is that it's co-dependent. The only way I can allow myself to feel embarassed is if I take into account how someone else will percieve me. This is about trying to control how someone else feels about me, a cardinal sin for co-dependents.The answer now is Who cares what THEY think? Screw 'em. I will determine how to feel about myself, which is now beginning to feel good. Not in the sense of an obnoxiously narcissistic bastard, but one who is self-aware. Anyone who ridicules me for failing is either not important to me or doesn't need to be my friend or confidant. The purpose of ridicule is to hurt me, and it is my responsibility to not let others intentionally hurt me. (Plus, rationally, I can't die of embarassment, it's a feeling. I can't die of the feeling itself. Suicide I can die of, but it's the pills or the bullet that would kill me, not the embarassment itself. Point proven; to me at least. The fear of embarassment is an illusion based on a co-dependent false belief, that I must seek the approval of others to be safe and acceptable of myself and self-worth. 2) I am a shy person, originally. I've said it before, and I remember it as a child. It is genetic, as is being a highly sensitive person, which I've also stated before. It is part of my constitution; who I am. The point? It is never going to change, ever. EVER! My fears of my environment will never end. I will never find a place where I can feel save and secure. If I am in a relatively safe state, my mind will create a fantasy scenerio of a potential threat to think about. I know this because I constantly do it. The conclusion is that I can now quit looking for that place of magical safety, it doesn't exist. Instead of avoiding my fears I need to accept them as always going to be there, to learn to live WITH them instead of trying to avoid them. I can't, they're inside, not outside. So I can relax in my quest. I will learn to live with the fears and negative feelings. I will allow them to be. Maybe these concepts will help others.