aftermath
Out of all the people I have to cut out of my life- at least to the extent that they're in it- my ma is the absolute hardest. How do you walk away from someone you've taken care of your entire life? I've always taken care of my ma. She feels a lot more like my child then my mom. I get how unhealthy that is. And believe it or not- I wouldn't even mind it except she fucking constantly corrects me. I come home last night- thinking she wouldn't be here. I came home and she's sleeping. What's fucking crazy is that I wished she was up. I actually want to talk to her- and she is almost NEVER what I miss talking to. She used to listen. She used to be fun to be around. She doesn't anymore and she isn't. She's just like she was when I was a kid. Snobby, corrective, VAIN. Vain's a big one. She doesn't even try to see things from other people's perspective. She's just like my grandma. I don't even have the strength to write out what she did to piss me off. I don't even want to hear myself say it out loud. God help me I fucking hate her. I hate that she pretends to love me. And I know its not pretend to her- but its not healthy and when I come home physically exhausted bc I ate about 500 calories for the day I don't want to hear how at least they were filled with protein- as if to advocate starving myself. Bc to her all that matters is being thin and looking good and it makes me fucking sick. It makes me want to binge every fucking night just so I'm not like her
I swear to god I'd rather be 300 pounds then be like her. Her attitude disgusts me. Her constant ridiculous attempts to look good make her an ugly person. Maybe that's why I binge. I'm so fucking pissed at myself right now.
Why didn't I just go upstairs last night? Why do I keep doing this to myself? She made her choice. She's vain and horrible. I fucking made some pasta and she sat there and bitched about what I ate. She doesn't keep any food in this house at all. If you looked in the fridge you see nothing. She's not my mom. Not in the sense that you would think.
She doesn't care that I eat well or nourish myself. She just sits there and bitched at me and picks apart everything I do. Its not funny. I don't want her to half kid about it. I don't want her to pay attention to what I eat AT ALL. I was fucking starving. She didn't care about that at all. If she doesn't eat for an entire day she's fucking proud of herself for it. How disgusting is that? And I used to be the same way. Gee, I wonder why that is? I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
I swear to god I'd rather be 300 pounds then be like her. Her attitude disgusts me. Her constant ridiculous attempts to look good make her an ugly person. Maybe that's why I binge. I'm so fucking pissed at myself right now.
Why didn't I just go upstairs last night? Why do I keep doing this to myself? She made her choice. She's vain and horrible. I fucking made some pasta and she sat there and bitched about what I ate. She doesn't keep any food in this house at all. If you looked in the fridge you see nothing. She's not my mom. Not in the sense that you would think.
She doesn't care that I eat well or nourish myself. She just sits there and bitched at me and picks apart everything I do. Its not funny. I don't want her to half kid about it. I don't want her to pay attention to what I eat AT ALL. I was fucking starving. She didn't care about that at all. If she doesn't eat for an entire day she's fucking proud of herself for it. How disgusting is that? And I used to be the same way. Gee, I wonder why that is? I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
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