after yesterday

I wrote to my friend Jan, that I had was struggling with an issue. That issue that finally crystralized in my note to her

has me now thinking about the essential or part of the essential nature of it.

Here's the note:

--

I am feeling alright thanks. As you probably have observed, I struggle often - and the thing is, my mind changes a lot. I may come to a conclusion about how to productively deal with my day. Some of those positive choices stick around for a while however

(continuation from the last hug) the frustrating thing is- that much of those decisions go by the way side at times. I wonder if anyone else has to deal with that kind of stuff here on the site. Maybe I will ask :)

--

So maybe what I can do or even expect from how I work at life is that some decisions I make will stick and some decisions will fall by the wayside. And that's just to be expected. Though it takes a lot of energy to decide and must perplex those in my life that I say one thing - and then don't follow through. It just dissapears.

An additional part of what I've thinking about lately, and I think I am ready to think about this, is that I need to focus just on what I enjoy or take satisfaction from. Not feeling like I have to be in the sunshine all the time (or the spotlight.) What I ever I choose to do

will be my endeavor - that I enjoy - and maybe some day it will be my turn in the Sunshine or spotlight - applauded or praised or appreciated by my piers. But maybe not too, you know? It's important to keep at my daily chores but also not be afraid of poking around roads that interest me and bring me enjoyment.