Afraid this place is killing me
There is such formality and bitterness from some of the sisters here.
They don't validate themselves with their relationships with each other but it seems they do by their relationship with their spiritual elders and God.
I'm learning how I validate myself and I realize this place may not be a match. At least now I know. Staying here long term is MUCH different than coming for a 1 week vacation.
It's definitely focused me though. I know with all the emotional balance I've had to find, I know that I need to keep mindful of the financial responsibilities I need to keep aware of and not forget it. Feeling stripped to the basics. I'll keep on keeping on!!
Can't let these feelings swallow me up and lose sight of sociability. I'll keep coming here.
Replies
Unfortunately you're going to have something go on wherever you go. You just have to look at positive things and tell people around you to stay positive.
during the therapy to address the most hysterical of my flight years, approximately 30 years, i started giving myself, "transition periods" to keep myself from flying off to another continent just because a neighbor gave me a dirty look which triggered my social anxiety. i set limits for myself in which i do not allow myself to make judgements about how things are done, who i am exposed to, etc. etc. even with my wanderer birthright, new places and lifestyles are whelming. for my skittish ass, all those subtle differences provide more triggers than the big things which are easily seen from a safe social distance.
easy does it, big boy. serious looking bitches like me is everywhere. we does get around. don't let the arfin defenses fool ya. the bigger the broken heart, the meaner the defenses to protect it.
Thanks cc and Arfie.
Things are coiled so tight here.
It’s all business. At least I am seeing it now and the familiar patterns or toolset for putting myself at ease are within me.
This makes me question “what good am I for anything?” But I accept that I am good at something’s and no one is good at everything:).
I just dropped sister Veronica off at her appointment. She’ll be in there for 3 hours, so my job is to entertain myself until then. That I can do. That I have learned to do. I’m glad.
Seems so much of the time I’m in a role doing a job. Im really glad and feel good about that I can take on the role of self care when I’m on my own as well:).
It's nice that you serve by taking people places and going to the airport or other things. Soon you will be working so that will help your socialization. Hang in there Mark.
Thanks Becky!!! Big hugs!!
you get time off from your jobs/roles? lucky you. even when i'm sleeping in a wilderness retreat, far from anybody who calls me "mom," or "honey," or a euphemism thereof, i'm on duty. is there a caregiver's union?
gee. . . why do my shrinks keep accusing me of hypervigilance?
Xxxx
This is an important life experience meant to teach you something. I believe that every time I’m getting through something that wasn’t perhaps what I hoped for or I just realized it wasn’t for me.
There is likely a common thread to be found in any organization, job, monastery, church, social club, team where people are motivated by differing things - understanding that you are motivated by interpersonal relationships (I am too) is also valid. I do believe God works through people in the most profound of ways, so our human interactions really do matter so very much if we are going to stay attuned to what is important in serving a greater good. Sometimes I feel upset by people’s allegiances to certain things without taking into consideration people with different allegiances that are different from their own. That probably didn’t make sense but it comes to mind right now on my current travels.
Big hugs.