Afraid

Every day is getting harder. I don't understand anything lately. This has been one rough day full of wonders and whys. I just kept having suicidal thoughts. I haven't been like this since a while, and I'm scared. I feel so alone in this world. Like I could be surrounded by lots and lost of people, but actually there's nobody with me. 
Everything was ok, I was handling better my ED, I was handling my depression, but idk what happened, but I now decided to go all the way with my ED, I started with the SI again after a year of not doing it.... Everything I've worked on is going to pieces.. I just can't handle it anymore. I always tell everyone of how much I want to recover, but sometimes I'm not really sure about it.
I lost all the contlol I had.