affirmation, the unbearable lightness of being and taking care

The past couple, few days - I have really seen the power of affirmation within me.

I can get so caught up in affirmations from the external world (from my therapist, from my friends and family,

from the monastics) - and then when

I try to be strong within myself -I try and set myself apart -and I find that I become caught up in affirming myself

in the sense of giving myself what I need and trying not to rely on anyone and so creating distance.

I thought about those two things today - with a kind of clarity -- and the hard part is - something that has taken

me a long time to do and realize ...and that is ...to live with both.

here I am now, at the end of the day at the monastery. I did a lot of hard work for the campers

and monastics. I find myself appreciating a birthday gift I was sent and received today...a nice scented candle, and a black shirt

(monastic wardrobe!). Just the niceness of having received that, doing my laundry so that tomorrow (my birthday)

is a good fresh start for my Heinz Variety Year (57.) There's such a lightness to just enjoying these niceties 

and there's nothing wrong with that... I find myself realizing that I often look for some great life achievement

that I could, would or should have a feeling to legitimize or vindicate my existence. But I think I'm finding

that life is just what I started to talk about at the outset of this paragraph (lightness) and then some.

So taking care of my life - and enjoying the nice moments and things that add sweetness to my day.

I feel like I understand now. I never had children or married -

my life is going to be about taking

care and making room for things that make me feel good. Like friends and family - and also those

little material things that pick me up or cheer me up along the way.  :-)