additional thoughts on the austerity here and my identity
Some other thoughts about this. I was thinking about how I need to subjugate myself to the monastery
activities as in prayerful and solemn services, silence during meals and limited conversation with a kind of manner in place etc..
My head was raging for something else yesterday during services
and so I thought about that - I thought about 'desire' and how I handle it. I used to just push it down and feel like
I was a problem if i had it. I am trying to engage that now and how that should motivate me and yet also be in consideration of the structure here.
I used to be so blind to it my desire or as I said 'I push it down and not pay attention." I was either 'my world' of all the supposed to be's when I was alone
alone or 'everyone's world' for when I was with them. I guess this is plainly clear? I am just learning to both be in the structure and yet also remaining within it,as an individual with agency.
Just had another thought about how I came to be here, at the monastery, it can be seen in a way as a familiar context in which to be myself.
A safe context too. Perhaps it's the safe aspect of it that lewers me here.
Replies
is "desire" a euphemism for "sex drive?"
All of it, not isolated to that at all.