Addictions suck
Okay- so here I am. I said I was going to deal with one addiction at a time. I couldn't kick the "love" addiction and the pot addiction at the same time. Btw- the reason I put "love" in quotes is b/c although I realize how real and dangerous that addiction is- I don't like the name for it. I feel its more of an addiction to being abused that we mistake for love- but that's really here nor there.
Anyway- I'm not "cured" of the love addiction- I've just gotten to a point where it doesn't have to be my main focus. I realize what I NEED to do now to fully heal and I fully intend on doing it. But I know that I can only go so far in my personal growth if I continue to get high. I am making the choice to grow as a person.
I'm starting to feel the self-doubt I always feel when I stop smoking weed. This feeling like if I haven't learned how to be okay without the weed yet- what makes me think I can now. Shitty feelings. I really really really want to smoke right now and I can't get it tonight. I tried to. I could still try harder, but I wont. I beleive everythin in life happens for a reason and the reason I can't get shit right now is b/c God's helping me out. He knows how hard it is to quit on my own.
I was going to start quitting on Wednesday- for Lent. But I have a HUGE day in my career happening on Thursday and it would be nice to have Wednesday be day four instead of day one. By then I'll probably be able to get a decent night's sleep.
Well either way- I'm not smoking tonight. And somehow- putting the goal on this site makes it seem more real. So I've done that. I'm gonna go listen to some music and try to make it so I don't want to pull my fucking hair out from withdrawal. I think that's the answer- whenever I want to smoke I should do something nice for myself to make it easier on me that way its not as hard.
Off to do that.
Anyway- I'm not "cured" of the love addiction- I've just gotten to a point where it doesn't have to be my main focus. I realize what I NEED to do now to fully heal and I fully intend on doing it. But I know that I can only go so far in my personal growth if I continue to get high. I am making the choice to grow as a person.
I'm starting to feel the self-doubt I always feel when I stop smoking weed. This feeling like if I haven't learned how to be okay without the weed yet- what makes me think I can now. Shitty feelings. I really really really want to smoke right now and I can't get it tonight. I tried to. I could still try harder, but I wont. I beleive everythin in life happens for a reason and the reason I can't get shit right now is b/c God's helping me out. He knows how hard it is to quit on my own.
I was going to start quitting on Wednesday- for Lent. But I have a HUGE day in my career happening on Thursday and it would be nice to have Wednesday be day four instead of day one. By then I'll probably be able to get a decent night's sleep.
Well either way- I'm not smoking tonight. And somehow- putting the goal on this site makes it seem more real. So I've done that. I'm gonna go listen to some music and try to make it so I don't want to pull my fucking hair out from withdrawal. I think that's the answer- whenever I want to smoke I should do something nice for myself to make it easier on me that way its not as hard.
Off to do that.
Replies
That\'s hard, but you\'re determined. Good for you! I know the last 3 times I quit smoking cigarettes, was awful. I also remember after the first 72 hours, it did get better as the nicotine was out of my system.
You know what the worst part is for me? It\'s the psychological part. The bodily withdrawal making me want to say, \"screw it, I\'m going to get some\" I can get through because I know what\'s driving the withdrawal. After that, it\'s all psychological.
Because I rely on them in times of boredom, or with my coffee (that\'s a biggy) or when I\'m stressed, I had to figure out my triggers after the physical part of was over - then avoid them. Later, I would announce to everyone, \"I am now a nonsmoker!\". That way, people would offer encouragement and support me to stay cigarette free. Once it\'s out there, it\'s a kind of social pressure I did to myself on purpose - to keep me from straying.
Other than that, given that I\'ve quit 3 times before, means that I did give into the temptation at some point, and that was because I was either with people who still smoked, or I was using some crisis to justify starting again.
I don\'t think people are ever \"cured\". Life doesn\'t work like that. Tackling things like weight or smoking are an ongoing thing... the last time I had quit for 3 and 1/2 years - and one day, I just gave in and I didn\'t care. Oh well.
What I told my daughter, when she was a teen, was to never start in the first place because once you\'re a smoker you\'re always a smoker. Even if you\'ve quit for 20 years, those temptations creep back in.
I\'m pretty sure you can do this, and I\'m really pulling for ya. You\'re taking care of yourself, and doing all the right and hard things to make yourself healthier - kudos!
Thanks for the support! I need all I can get. That\'s the reason I put it on this site- kind of like what you said about announcing you were a non smoker. It seems to make it more real- like its something I said I would really try so I can\'t go back and just act like I never said it- as I\'ve done SO many times before. When the desire to quit is only in my head its easy to rationalize away. Also- I wouldn\'t say it out loud b/c I come from a family of negative assholes that would always respond with something nice and encouraging like \"yeah, we\'ve heard that before.\" AWESOME! Additionally- I stopped believing I could quit at one point- not this go round- but back in the day before I went to grad school- the 2 year break that I took from school in which I skipped about a year of it b/c I was so stoned. At the time I drove heavy machinery and the only reason I was sober for work is so I wouldn\'t kill anyone- if that wasn\'t the case I would have been high as shit there too. Its a depressing time thinking about how much of my life I\'ve numbed. I think its necessary to realize that there has been so much of my life in which I haven\'t lived up to my potential- the trick is to not beat myself up over it- it\'s the past- no matter how much energy I give it- it will NEVER be changed.
Another reason I put this goal up on the site is so I can journal every painful minute of quitting. Journal how bad it fucking blows in black and white and promise myself that the next time I feel like smoking I read through all of this. In fact- it would be even better for me to not wait until I feel that way and to just read through it once a week. I think I\'ll do that. It\'s true that we are never \"cured.\" For me- with pot- I\'ve always thought I was cured. The psychological part is BY FAR the worst. I\'ll deal with the physical pain- but the feeling like life will be unbearable without it- feeling like that feeling will last forever is the worst.
I ended up smoking last night. My brother had some. Wednesday is Lent. I WILL quit for Lent. If I ask him for it- God will give me the strength to quit- the trick is to allow him to help me. Trying to do it on my own doesn\'t work. Last time I quit I left my place for 3 weeks- that\'s why I could do it. Last Lent I tried, but I just couldn\'t do it. But- my life was very very different then. I was unemployed and at home 24/7- not a good recipe for sobriety, I\'ll tell you that. But this time is different- my therapist said I should think of rehab. I would love to go to rehab- but who has the time and money? Not I. Right now- I\'m SO close to being able to quit on my own- so close. I know that doing it for Lent will give me that extra boost.
Once I stop my mission will be to fight like hell to never start again. This shit gets progressively harder each time and I\'m just too fucking old for it. I\'m not 20 anymore- time to cut the shit.
Thanks again for the support- it is always appreciated :)