Addictions
I have been stuck thinking about my addictions, they are what I used to cope with my down and dark moods. They supported the moods. they numbed me. They felt good in so many ways. But I felt them tearing me apart, I knew they were and still I supported them. That is until the middle of december. I changed myself then, and I have yet to feed that addiction monkey since then. But now things are getting hard, hard to resist, hard to stay above water, and that monkey is hungry... I dont know how much longer I can keep myself afloat...
Replies
It happens a lot with me too. I use several ways to cope with anxiety/loneliness and many times they get too much for me. I think the way to tackle these addictions would be to tackle the underlying feelings of depression or anxiety that ur trying to numb.
It wasnt until recently that I even realized what my true addictions were, and that was in december. My underlying problem or problems are that I worry about everything, when I wait or have time to think I can imagine a hundred different scenarios for whatever my mind is on. And with that (and not very much different from a computer) my mind get bogged down with bad scenarios, and thus I become paranoid. And when becoming paranoid these become real to me, I know theyre not, but then again maybe I\'m right. My gut instinct has always been right on things, the only problem is that its hard to tell when my instinct is talking or its just my mind creating another scenario. For my pain, and cutting/bleeding is a big release of the endorphins which quite my mind and bring forth my instinct. But as a side effect a darker side of my personality comes out. I think it does that because cutting is commonly tied to depression and suicide. For me (and I\'m not trying to be insensitive or cruel, and please don\'t take this the wrong way who ever reads this) but it makes me feel weak and worthless when I do it. Its brings another axis into play so to speak. But getting tattoos, the pain associated with it does satisfy that craving for pain, and for bleeding, but I really don\'t get the depressed or darker side of me to emerge. So for me to tackle the underlying problems I have to find a way to constantly quite my mind without destroying or harming another part of myself. As well as keep my emotions in control so that a bipolar mood swing doesn\'t crash and burn everything like it has before.
And to add to that, exercise does help a lot, but unfortunately I am sick right now and working out sucks. I have a really bad cough, swollen throat, fever, I have been vomiting a lot as well. So I\'ve been working out when I can for as long as I can but lately thats not long at all.