Addicted
I think I am really seeing my patterns and I'm not sure whether to take a break from men or practice on them.... Last night a man who I used to date called me. I still keep in touch with him after we broke up (or rather after HE broke up with ME) and I'm really not sure why because he never really treated me all that great (wow big surprise). He says we are friends (if I had a dime for every guy who wanted to be my "friend" but not my man I'd be rich!) In between girlfriends he thinks it would be great for us to hang out together and fool around because we have "history" well I finally told him that I wasn't interested in being with someone physically unless we had a relationship and so he didn't talk to me for 2 months because he said I was rude!!!! God knows why I took his call again because all he does is make me feel like crap:( Goal: Never talk to him again. I am no longer torturing myself bending over backwards being friends with someone who just makes me feel bad about myself. Then when I stopped talking to him the desperation of talking to ANY man set in. So I called this guy I had a met this summer. Luckily he didn't answer his phone. I don't know why I'm calling him. I don't even LIKE him. He's arrogant and cocky and he's into phone games like texting me then when I text him he never texts back. Action: I deleted all his texts and number from my phone so I don't feel tempted to call him. Then I start thinking about calling the guy I recently broke up with this summer. The other one who wanted everything from me but gave nothing in return. I actually felt SORRY for him and wondered if he was all right. I'm thinking maybe I was too harsh breaking up with him. So I went over the list of reasons I did and I resisted the call. BUT....being a single Mom I get lonely and when I'm lonely is when I am tempted to screw all my hard work and just get someone to talk to or be with to ease this loneliness. So I decided I have to feel this loneliness and deal with it. No more trying to fill it with a guy. It is so very hard:( My whole inclination is to get away from the feeling any way I know how. I was kinda skeptical when a book said I was addicted but now I think that book's right!
Replies
it is great that you are seeing things so clearly. i have had a few \'practice\' men the past 6 months and it really helped me in seeing red flags, and communicating in a healthy manner instead of reacting to their behaviors and things they triggered. but i was single for a long time, working hard on recovery, before i was ready for practice men. i dont know how far along you are in your recovery but i think there\'s a moment when you become strong enough to take on practice men. if you\'re there then go for it. just keep in mind they are practice and dont get your hopes up right away for any long term potential. good luck.
How long has it been since you broke up with your last relationship? One the MANY books I have read (Escape from Intimacy) suggests you take a 1 year break from dating if you consider yourself a relationship addict (which I certainly do). So I am sticking firm to the committment. No dating for me for one year. This is the year I work on ME and not pour my energy onto another human so I do not have to face my own inner issues. I will sit with myself and feel what ever uncomfortable emotions I need to experience. Good luck!!!
Well I just broke up with my recent guy this summer but before that I had taken 7 months off dating although at that time I took a break just because I kept getting into these awful relationships and I hadn\'t read WWLTM yet. Maybe I should start all over again? I\'m actually really confused right now. I feel confused a lot. I\'m 38 years old and I feel like I\'m running out of time! I know I am addicted to relationships but I feel pressure to have some one in my life. What if it NEVER happens? I also feel like I failed because I can\'t get it right. And I also keep asking myself why I\'m never good enough for someone else. Why everyone else seems to be able to have what I never can. I don\'t know what to do....that\'s half my problem.
What if it never happens? Who knows? I do know one thing, there is only one person FOR SURE that you are going to be in a relationship with for the rest of your life and that person looks at you in the mirror every morning. You deserve to make sure that she is equipped and healed enough for healthy relationships, not just ANY relationship.
Please do not compare yourself to others and their relationships. Some may be in healthy, mutally satisfying relationshihps while many people are simply enduring or tolerating unhealthy partnerships for the sake of being part of a couple or because they are not secure enough to take a stand and build a better life for themselves.
I am several years older then you and have recently been thru HELL with an unhealthy relationship. It is about getting to healthy place inside so we do not continue to make these mistakes and suffer these heart aches. My mother (a PhD in psycology by the way) who has been divorced 3 times and recently ended a horrible 8 year relationship in her 70\'s. Even though you and I feel old, she told me: Honey, take care of this now. You still have years in front of you to find a healthy relationship. Do not be in your 60\'s and 70\'s and still trying to change men because you see their potential.
So you take a year off at 38 and maybe you don\'t find the right guy until 40. That is a whole lot better then getting your heart shattered and handed to you in a million pieces at age 46 because you were so desperate for validation that you would tolerate heaps of unacceptable behavior in the hopes of keeping a highly damaged individual in your life (sorry about ranting about MY story). It is worth going thru the pain of self reflection to get to the other side where we can geniunely attrat a good person for our selves. Someone capable of loving us, but first we must love our selves!!!!
Thank you for the supportive words. You are absolutely right and I\'ve been thinking a lot about it. In those 7 months that I didn\'t date I was happier than I had been in years because I was completely concentrating on myself and my kids and not worrying about anybody else. It felt so freeing. I thought I was ready but I see that I am not because in those 7 months I guess I learned that not having someone isn\'t really that bad (actually just as good) but I didn\'t really know what my issues were and so I didn\'t work on them.
Based on what I\'m feeling, the books I\'ve been reading and all the support on this group I think I will take some more time off and this time concentrate on HEALING myself so that I can be that happy person looking at myself in the mirror. I realize now that setting a time limit just increases my desperation. And you\'re right I don\'t want to be in a horrible relationship just to have one.
Your advice is priceless to me. Thank you!