accepting the whole enchilada

I was downstairs in service this morning, after I had a conversation

with the Abbess last night. That conversation ultimately helped me because it

was expressing something that was on my mind but then ultimately too

it left me feeling at a loss. Like she powered over me -  Like I had given up control - but

as I was in service this morning - I thought about being authentic - honoring the honesty

I had shown... in the conversation right there in church though I felt at a loss.

I was behind the iconstasis and I decided that I still have to be self responsible, even if feeling at a loss and things

were making sense in terms of what I had to do in service - I was remembering cues and moments when my role was needed.

As well all the while I just  kept learning this morning about where I am - the nature of being treated at times

outside the realm of considering each other - i questioned Why does it seem like each day kind of gives me a new universe of thought

to cope with - I realized though the combination enchilada plate that each day brings with all the messy complicated feelings, it's not so bad after all. Bugh I am recognizing that at least and seeing that much of my faulterig at times is fatigue response. (i'm kind of sensitive too to the input I get but also starting to see it as a kind of sport and gameful challenge.)

I kind of saw how some people exuded their grace - which seemed at times

at a opposite to how they treated each other -or others treated each other here in general - I thought about the ideas of

jealousy - that may come up and momentary anger - and all those messy things that make up

a life - and so again I kind of saw that these bumps are part of the day's enchilada...and yet how we can't stick onto looking at that "CLOSED DOOR" of upset

or pain or dischord - we have to keep on that which is our responsibility - nor to forget

what we ultimately wanted to do in the first place.

Behind the iconostasis - after around

1 hour-  I go all fuzzy - and out of focus - my church stamina ain't that good - and my sense

of where I am and what I am supposed to do is more occupied by the beauty of the ceremony. I am in a trance...

Anyways - I got through it this morning - the service and we took communion up to a house bound

sister. Then we had meal - and I just realized that this place may not be so good for consideration

of feelings - or a sense of equanimity at times - but I am determined to handle it well, learn from it

cope with those who might react negatively with me (with all do respect there are many who are sensitive here too.)

I'm kind of losing myself today with all the shenanigans the folks put out there - 

but I have to remember and question enough to know it's not me - it may be any number of things.

I guess I just am starting to see the sport like quality of each day, messy complicated feelings but then also it's important to be able to know that it's life and part of life is being able to function well in a sport like setting.

This is kind of a messy post...