accepting my weaknesses and planning for a life that's right for me
there's no perfect place - but I wrote this and I'm just wondering about stuff.
the luxury indeed of having time to wonder... here it is - it was a text to my sister:
Hi A, I know I’ve complained a good deal to you guys. I want you to know I’m very much torn. I sense I am a lot less capable and strong than i believe myself to be. Perhaps it’s just this morning,after a very late night here at the monastery, but I know I have to seriously think about taking care of myself and my own ambitions and survival .I think I ought to be grateful for where I am. For my condition and ability I live a very peaceful and routine life with my cat. It’s beautiful in a lot of ways and as a priest in Greece said ‘there are politics everywhere, it’s human nature.’ I’m wondering though too if the sense of dominance of the hierarchy here is telling me I can’t do too much else. They are so generous in a lot of ways though.
Again it is very comfortable here in a lot of ways. I want to be honest with you that I have thought about a couple of things to do with my $31k nest egg I have saved that is safe with you. If I were to move, I could use that as a supplement to my ssdi and support myself for a year or until I find part time work as well as household setup (I’ll be looking for work shortly). In a more ambitious way I was thinking the 31$k could be a down payment on a place if you ever wanted to revisit that idea of buying a condo (which could revert to your daughter in time.) That would be amazing and would inspire and require me to create community in a more mainstream way. I need to talk to my therapist too. Thanks to all of you for loving me so much with patience and everything with all my stuff. You all have your own lives you are worrying about. It’s very weird living where you work. It becomes like living in Brigadoon.
Again it is very comfortable here in a lot of ways. I want to be honest with you that I have thought about a couple of things to do with my $31k nest egg I have saved that is safe with you. If I were to move, I could use that as a supplement to my ssdi and support myself for a year or until I find part time work as well as household setup (I’ll be looking for work shortly). In a more ambitious way I was thinking the 31$k could be a down payment on a place if you ever wanted to revisit that idea of buying a condo (which could revert to your daughter in time.) That would be amazing and would inspire and require me to create community in a more mainstream way. I need to talk to my therapist too. Thanks to all of you for loving me so much with patience and everything with all my stuff. You all have your own lives you are worrying about. It’s very weird living where you work. It becomes like living in Brigadoon.
Replies
Big hug of peace and support sweetie while you work out what's right for you...xo
Thanks Janet! Xxxoo
Sending you my love and support Mark...only you know, within you what you are capable of and what you are not capable of 'doing'.
As you find your way, look for the light which brings comfort to your soul, peace within your mind...putting limits on what you can do or not do is the road of negativity.
You are a man of kindness and sensitivity and insight, with a dis-ease walking a path in life with thought challenges is all...God Knows I To Have Thought Challenges...
As I have begun to process from the 'inside' to change the 'outside of my life' the peace I've sought after for so long, it is here. The life, to live rather than exist, it is here filled with more love than I could ever have imagined...all though my Faith and Pushing Past Fear To Open My Closed Heart To New Possibilities.
You have held a job before, you have lived and survived on your own before...everything is a choice, choose Love As A Guide <3 ml
I pray God will help you make the right decision at this crossroads in your life. You are a good person and have come a long way in your recovery journey.
Thank you very much Mary Louise and Becky!!! Xxo
Agree with above. You offer a kindness and sensitivity that is rare and the world isnt a gentle place for our “kind.”
You have accomplished a lot and built a nest egg and taken strengthening steps toward making good decisions. Be careful and cautious with this complex place of business and shenanigans - you have an awareness of the illness and it is important to stay vigilant. Not paranoid but vigilant and wise. I am telling myself the same thing as I am recovering from financial abuse. As you get out there working in the bizness realm outside of a monastery, it is a wisdom and climb while navigating.
Big hugs Marko.
Thanks Nikki!! Xx