Acceptance
I was given the opportunity to go to another monastery in Greece for a visit to compare the life there from the life here. I know it is a GREAT opportunity to be invited to this iconic place. I can’t help thinking though, it’s a waste of money. I can't afford it and I don't want to borrow as it's not a 100% thing for me in spirit. I don’t need to go to there to make a decision about my life here and whether I will stay (the purpose for going is for that kind of analysis of is one for me more than the other.) I know Father A was willing to secure the invitation for me but I'm hoping and will ask my sister if it would be alright to not go.
Related to this issue is that I feel like I am getting some great wisdom for how I appreciate this place and for myself too which is all giving me important information how to maintain a positive and reasonable outlook in life. I’ll talk more to my doctor again today about it all.
I think it’s my nature to have low grade anxiety constantly and misgivings. I try to battle it by thinking about positive ideas. It clearly never lasts once I champion some ideas but I think stepping back and looking at the positive and negative in my experience has me noticing or giving equal weight to both when in fact it's not a wise practice. Again I will talk to my therapist today.
I think there are so many things I like about here at the monastery that the occasional rifts with the bosses is not uncommon for everyone in professional life and that puts my sights in perspective.
My friend Arfie helped me with this thought by offering to me that ‘sometimes we have to just be ok without answers.’ That struck a chord. It pulled me out of my pattern and it also reminded me of my sister's wisdom “somethings, just are.”
I think I have to question both sides of my state of being here of course, 'is it more good than bad? Is my bitching about it for big things or is it just my propensity/illness rearing its head?’
How can I then put into perspective the opposing issues?
This acceptance is really helping me deal with my day and my place here. My choices are clearer now too. It’s weird how constant low grade anxiety can make you feel like you’ve got something going on in life, but that is pretty false. I am learning to look above, beyond the anxiety at my choices. I feel a quiet resolve and contentment about my view of choices.
We each in my family and everyone everywhere have built a life for ourselves. I have battled this illness and have gotten myself here to the monastery on my own and have made a life for myself under the good graces of the elders. I am pretty proud of myself and I’m not relying on anyone outside of the good graces of the monastic leaders to live this safe and gentle, therapeutic life.
My brother and sisters have all created a life for themselves and again I am really happy how I have created mine too.
Well done Mark! :)
There's been such a duality about my perspective on things and this concept of acceptance has really help me see the whole of the picture, and not just the side I've been reacting to (the anxiety and misgivings I mean.) I think that's all been about my illness and now the learning curve has helped me see the pattern I have been in.
Replies
good luck convincing me that a single dollar of the money -be it mine or someone else's-- i have spent on travel was wasted. even the bad trips taught me things i could not have learned in books. the bad trips typically taught me far more than the good trips did. i consider money spent on travel to be one of my sounder investments. it pays to diversify.
however. . . spending credit on travel sounds like a bad investment to me. when the time is right, if ever the time is right, the money will be there. money is but the wind beneath my wings. putting wind beneath wings that are not ready to fly can cripple the bird for life.
duality in your perspective? as in two dimensions? light/dark? good/bad? married/single? right/wrong?
yeah, methinks i have noted that tendency in your royal we, but your growth has been impressive.
Thanks Arfie!
If it is not funded it may be worth Option #2, unless there is a plan behind it when you return.
It is normal to have unanswered questions. I personally find there is peace in the mystery of not knowing everything. Also, in such divisive opinionated times it is important for more people to NOT be claiming to know everything. We as humans truly need to learn to work together. There is value in team building and balancing the need for collaboration with our own internal compass and safety nets.
Hope you feel some grounding comfort in the small joys around you.
Thanks Nikki!! Xxx