acceptance

good morning and happy Independence Day!

Work went well yesterday - got it all done...

While working my mind did peck away at me - (moneky mind)

made me upset and woeful - but I realized that

while working alone, like I was, it was the woeful stuff

that came onto me as I lost sight of my own agency

and mission at work.... it was a 'go to' reaction and I am not capturing it exactly

but so much to express and in a weird technical way

I saw it as a biological habit that I needed to rise above

and not be tricked by - and so I stepped back and began to be

even more productive and positiveand owning my process and not disasocciating.

But understanding it and changing my focus to choose functioning and positive.

I felt insecure about my relationship with my father at one point. (though in truth the relationship is solid)

I had all kinds of thoughts about my deficits and the consequences because of it  (all imagined monkey brain).

I realized that I just need to accept things as they are- that I am creating my own life

and that I may not have a vision for it - but i have to be solid - get off a high horse and be ready to accept imperfectino and just

be me and I may not have all the things I want 

but I realizeld I need to accept my separateness and now I have the resources to do so and build the life here and now where I am

respecting that we're all struggling and having to work hard at creating our own lives.

It's like I've wanted a pattern or a visual or a sense of something to remind myself of what it is exactly that

I am doing- bolstering me to give myself a sense of pride and assuredness.

Then later on I had a great conversation with my Dad  on the phone (see what I mean?) on the way home from work. Again there

was an acceptance and a regard and respect I could give my Dad while we talked - with a sense that he

is doing his job as a parent - but also for the position he is in as my Dad. We love each ohter.

I told him all about what I was planning to do - I had the insight that

I had once mentioned to my therapist- My parents want a little control over

my life - but they also want me to be independent - and I can do that now -I can accept it

and understand it - 

I understand it fundementally.l. I am accepting my place in the world

and also realizing maybe why I like it here so much. I need to talk to my therapist

about it - these thoughts are reminding me of when I lived in San Francisco trying

to start out on my own after college. I was frozen in anxiety -

and likewise I have gotten that way when I have been back here in my room.

Blue and the job at the market and the demands of the monastery call me out and get me 

moving in the world. I do though have a hard time knowing how to relate to myself

when I am on my own in the world. It's like super hot anxiety cement.

I realize now I love that the monastery is a whole world.

I am learning to relate to things on my own - but I do also love

the aspect of the definition of life here. 

I need to talk to my doc about it.