acceptance
I’m not in a good place right now. I just tried to speak to my brother about a problem I’m having with my mom. I know better than to do that. A good 90% of the time that goes bad. I’ll give him 10% b/c its not always that way. B/c sometimes he has felt the same way- and when that happens he’s really empathetic. But most of the time he doesn’t listen at all, challenges what I say, and ends up making me feel worse for having mentioned it to him. He is not in touch with his emotions AT ALL. And his entire life is dedicated to not feeling any pain at all, ever. When one spends that much time denying themselves it all builds up. So he goes back and forth between Mr. Nice guy politician/ overdramatic vortex of negativity. It’s really either/or- most of the time its one of those 2. But the thing about my brother is this – that’s who he is. He’s not going to change. Not now, not ever. And I’ve accepted that. And I’m proud to say that ¼ into me attempting to tell my brother what was going on I picked up that he wasn’t going to listen and I ditched the convo. I made up some shit and walked away. I got out. That’s something to be proud of.
It’s all about acceptance. When I spoke to my brother he was like “Its really hard to live with mom now that we’re all grown up.” I know he was speaking about him. My brother is ALWAYS speaking about himself. But I felt like he was insulting me. Like saying I’m a loser for staying here. I know that’s not what he intended to do. That’s the thing with my family- they aren’t intentional- no malice- just gross negligence. Gross, gross, gross, grotesque negligence. So my brother is like my father – he says insensitive shit instinctually. But he has no clue about life or inner peace or looking inside yourself for strength. He hasn’t accomplished shit and he’s 28. Now- normally I wouldn’t even mention something like that. But the fact that he hasn’t accomplished anything is not nearly as telling as the fact that he hasn’t even fucking tried. If he ever actually tried to be good at something I know he would succeed. I’m sure of it. But he doesn’t even try. B/c he’s been beat down to long and at that level it’s really really really hard to get up. I know how that feels. So there’s a level of sympathy there. But my sympathy can’t lead me to stop protecting myself. I need to protect myself from him and my father. And my mother too. She’s the one I need to work on.
She’s really not that bad. It’s not that she’s so horrible its hard to deal with. She’s just very self- unaware. She has no idea how she’s treating people. She is a codependent and an adult child. Wow- she’s an adult child. I never saw it that way before. Maybe that’s how I have to think about her. In ways that’s how I always have. She does a lot of nice things for me. There’s no way I would have made through the past year without her. She has helped me financially. But she’s still broken. This afternoon I asked her if she wanted to go get Chinese food. She said “no I’m eating healthy thank you” in a taunting kind of way as if to say “No you fat fucking slob, I’m thin and so I watch what I eat – but I made sure I made you a bunch of really carb filled and fattening shit- you know, or nothing- b/c god forbid I ever make fucking healthy food- I would rather count calories and fucking starve unlike you you fat fuck. So the answer to your question is no- I don’t want any Chinese food you sloth.” That’s the type of shit that Chrissy used to say. They are so similar its freaky. It actually makes perfect sense though. Anyway that’s what started it. And, of course, since my mom is so fucking “sensitive” I can’t say shit to her. Like- wow that’s great- why don’t you brag some more. That’s what I wanted to say. There are just things that I have no fucking patience with whatsoever. Snobbiness, bragging- those are those things. People that act super sensitive so no one ever complains to them- I hate it. It breaks me and I can’t fucking take it.
Which brings me to my point. I need to accept my mom for who she is. That means no speaking to her during the week. That’s where I’ll start. The next is to not talk to her about anything- no matter how hard it is for me. B/c it really is very hard. I have to accept that this wont ever be a home where there’s food in it- like a normal fucking home. She keeps no food in the refrigerator b/c her whole fucking goal in life is to look good. That’s fuckiing it. That’s her goal. She’s insensitive and codependent and all other sorts of problems- but who cares? The only thing that matters is how thin she is.
I hate it. I have to stop doing this to myself. She is who she is. She’s going to be who she’s going to be. I just have to stop.
It’s all about acceptance. When I spoke to my brother he was like “Its really hard to live with mom now that we’re all grown up.” I know he was speaking about him. My brother is ALWAYS speaking about himself. But I felt like he was insulting me. Like saying I’m a loser for staying here. I know that’s not what he intended to do. That’s the thing with my family- they aren’t intentional- no malice- just gross negligence. Gross, gross, gross, grotesque negligence. So my brother is like my father – he says insensitive shit instinctually. But he has no clue about life or inner peace or looking inside yourself for strength. He hasn’t accomplished shit and he’s 28. Now- normally I wouldn’t even mention something like that. But the fact that he hasn’t accomplished anything is not nearly as telling as the fact that he hasn’t even fucking tried. If he ever actually tried to be good at something I know he would succeed. I’m sure of it. But he doesn’t even try. B/c he’s been beat down to long and at that level it’s really really really hard to get up. I know how that feels. So there’s a level of sympathy there. But my sympathy can’t lead me to stop protecting myself. I need to protect myself from him and my father. And my mother too. She’s the one I need to work on.
She’s really not that bad. It’s not that she’s so horrible its hard to deal with. She’s just very self- unaware. She has no idea how she’s treating people. She is a codependent and an adult child. Wow- she’s an adult child. I never saw it that way before. Maybe that’s how I have to think about her. In ways that’s how I always have. She does a lot of nice things for me. There’s no way I would have made through the past year without her. She has helped me financially. But she’s still broken. This afternoon I asked her if she wanted to go get Chinese food. She said “no I’m eating healthy thank you” in a taunting kind of way as if to say “No you fat fucking slob, I’m thin and so I watch what I eat – but I made sure I made you a bunch of really carb filled and fattening shit- you know, or nothing- b/c god forbid I ever make fucking healthy food- I would rather count calories and fucking starve unlike you you fat fuck. So the answer to your question is no- I don’t want any Chinese food you sloth.” That’s the type of shit that Chrissy used to say. They are so similar its freaky. It actually makes perfect sense though. Anyway that’s what started it. And, of course, since my mom is so fucking “sensitive” I can’t say shit to her. Like- wow that’s great- why don’t you brag some more. That’s what I wanted to say. There are just things that I have no fucking patience with whatsoever. Snobbiness, bragging- those are those things. People that act super sensitive so no one ever complains to them- I hate it. It breaks me and I can’t fucking take it.
Which brings me to my point. I need to accept my mom for who she is. That means no speaking to her during the week. That’s where I’ll start. The next is to not talk to her about anything- no matter how hard it is for me. B/c it really is very hard. I have to accept that this wont ever be a home where there’s food in it- like a normal fucking home. She keeps no food in the refrigerator b/c her whole fucking goal in life is to look good. That’s fuckiing it. That’s her goal. She’s insensitive and codependent and all other sorts of problems- but who cares? The only thing that matters is how thin she is.
I hate it. I have to stop doing this to myself. She is who she is. She’s going to be who she’s going to be. I just have to stop.
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