Absence + Thoughts

Heya. 

I've been gone for a little. Or maybe it hasn't been long at all, I don't know. My life seems like a punctuated equilibrium, marked with times of little change and then sudden epiphanies and unexpected events that change everything. An evolution of self, maybe. 

Funnily enough, in times of chaos I find myself staying away from DS and other things that may help me. I'm always afraid that I'll be waffling on for too long, reiterating the same things and the same pains over and over without ever fixing them. I'm a pretty big believer of constant improvement. Complaining about something is a mark of acceptance to me, a belief that nothing shall ever change. It's something I fear like nothing else, sort of comparable to today's capitalistic world. Constant pressure to change, to improve, to make miracles and new discoveries. And yet, nobody ever seems to stop and smell the flowers anymore. Change becomes addictive, a sort of drug that the people accept as natural. Things are barely even created before they are destroyed and a new thing added in its place. Whole countries, belief systems, laws, cultures, technologies. We live in such a chaotic world and it's so easy to get caught up in this sweeping river of people and their beliefs. But one needs only to step back to realize that it's all in our heads. Not that it's fake, no, but it's all truly something that exists only in the human mind, and the human mind gets bored easily. Within 10 years, who knows where we'll be? Step back and breathe in, watch the leaves rustle and remember that the world isn't ending. Things are going about in their natural cycle as they always have. We humans are only a tiny blot of perhaps 100,000 years on a scale of Earth's 4.6 billion long life. It's likely that we won't even last another hundred thousand. Better to enjoy out short little time here.

And so, I've decided that I should stop concentrating on the negative things so much. Constantly thinking about ways to improve don't actually make me happy unless I enjoy the process and the results. 

Today, I snapped at my friend. Harshly. I heard her say ridiculous words in class and in my head I honestly couldn't wrap my head around them.

"We humans are born to die, what's the point?" 

It was a joke. But as my peers may say, I got "triggered".  

Honestly, I think I wasn't truly mad. Deep down inside I really hated those words, but my deep down is always buried at school. She didn't have a say in it. No, the narcissistic authoritarian sarcastic bitch is usually the one in control at school. So I was more angry that she would say it because I knew she knew that someone of my condition wouldn't take it well, if that made sense. But no actual anger. I was looking for a fight, almost, out of rampant hormones, boredom, and lonliness. 

I said some truly rude things. She wisely ignored me. On the bus ride home, narcissistic bitch me refused to back down and I came up with several rebuttals to give her the next day. But being at home alone is always an opportunity for true me to come out, and then I immediately felt bad. I'll have to apologize tomorrow. 

I did tell myself I'd never do something like that again. A month ago, I definitely would have beat myself up over it. And then I would have returned to school refusing to acknowledge it. Now though, I'm just... not. I don't see the point of causing myself pain in order to teach a "lesson" when in reality it teaches avoidence and abstinence. We've all heard abot abstinence in sex terms; it doesn't work. What does work is learning how to rectify your mistakes and talk things out. I'll have to try tomorrow. Fingers crossed that I don't chicken out...

I've been trying to let my true self come out at school as well. It's kind of ridiculous though, as narcissistic bitch seems to shine every time I open my mouth. She's not really ME, I'm me. But I did create her as a school shield, and now I have to get rid of her. I'm afriad though; everyone knows me as narcissistic bitch and the change might not be taken well. Rejection hurts. But I have to try. 

A way I've been trying is keeping mostly quiet unless I have something meaningful to say. Talk at school is usually derogatory banter and complaining, so opening my mouth at all doesn't have much of a chance of anything worthwhile coming out. At least that's my logic. For the time though, since I tend to mirror my peers like crazy, I think it's reasonable. I've been calling them "mute" days in my mind. I hadn't tried them in practice until today. It succeeded only up until second period, when bitch couldn't take it any longer and started blabbering. But being silent and unaffected by other's silence, something that most people would find awkward, is peaceful. 

I think bitch was born out of that awkwardness. A younger, more socially awkward me found a huge need to fill the silence with meaningless chatter. Else it felt like it was eating through her, as if everyone's eyes were on her and urging her to do something, to say something. Younger me also didn't believe anyone would ever like her for who she was. So she created another her, a "school" her to wear around in the presence of other people. School her wasn't completely different, but it was grotesquely warped. She was rude, loud, and had the don't-care attitude that real her hated so much. 

Bitch is a bit like a turtle shell that I'm scared of coming out of. I'll have to keep trying to shed her nevertheless. One day, she'll have to be gone and I'll have to be free and that day will be a blessed day.

Also, to the friends who have messaged me, I'll try to reply to you tomorrow. Good night for now.