about the monastery

I am kept busy here and I relish the moments when I can come back to my room

to Blue and the radio and the opportunity to think about stuff that has me 

spinning during the whole day long mostly.

I went down to chapel this morning, I set things up with the deaconess.

Then the long service of Saturday 'morning hours' and diving liturgy started.

I like some of it - I question other parts of it. 

They say to be like god is to focus on opening yourself to 'his' virtues and to try

and be more like 'him.' It is the practice preached here "on earth as it is in heaven.'

But it is also said that goal is impossible - because 'he' is god and he is

the epitome.

That being said I understand why we should all strive for doing our best - 

and yet it is totally human and ok to fall short. 

They also talk about the evil one - 'save us from the evil one' and that reminds me of the saying

'don't let perfection be the enemy of the good.'

Anyways - I was in chapel today - and the 2.5 hours of service was wearing on me.

I am trying to be open to all aspects of the monastery - but all this praying and axiety 

sometimes feels like a waste of time - a waste of my life.

A bold thing to say indeed but I am trying to be honest so that I can

discuss and evolve in my sense of how I think about things and grow

in a pursuit of clarity.

The end of service was nice (it's like the most soulful aspect at times) and then we set about morning meal and then chores lie

ahead before work at the market.

I thought about something, inspired by some comment from somewhere - it flickered

from so direction and I think I like the notion here of nourturing the journey of

the soul. I like that about being here. I like having that kind of peace

and environment. It's amazing to me that I like that - and it's comfortable

and that it is OK FOR ME TO LIVE LIKE THIS AND BE COMFORTABLE AND NOT
IN TOTAL AGONY.

When I have questioned this place, my brother has said "Just think about it

as a happy structure.' It is that - though at times I want more....

Today I was marveling at the sisters activities - they would really make

great corporate employees. Very focused on and living for the working.
Communicating with very clear thoughts back and forth in great detail.

Anyways - just notes