About my depression.

I hate my depression so much. It sneaks up on me all the time everyday 24/7. I don't know what else to do about it. Talking about it works, but sometimes it doesn't. I try to get people to understand and for a while I didn't understand it. So, I  didn't know what to explain to people. But, now I sorta do. I get depressed when I feel very very lonely and trapped and don't know what else to do. I used to hurt my body in any physical way I could. I haven't hurt myself in a long time though.
My depression mostly happens randomly. I never know when it's gonna appear and I never know when it will end. It could happen because my mood hasn't improved all day. Or it could happen for no reason at all. I could be doing something I really enjoy and then all of a sudden depression slams into my mind to just bother me for no reason. It makes me feel useless, hopeless, makes me cry all day, and makes me just wanna die sometimes. It's like having a huge unbearable migraine. But, replace all that physical pain with emotional pain. Severe emotional pain that makes you just want to kill yourself to get some kind of relief.
It's a very very disabling thing to have. I try to enjoy my day and try to be happy. I try and try and try to be happy. But, even when I am happy, when that depression hits, it forces me to pay attention to it. Like trying to ignore an angry raging dragon in the room. It's nearly impossible for me to ignore.
I don't know what to do sometimes. It never goes away and my brain can't ignore it sometimes. I can't enjoy being around people half of the time, I can't be happy when I really want to be, I can't enjoy things I love to do, I feel controlled by this one thing that I can't control. It feels like I have a disease and it's there just to make my life a miserable depressing hell.