about last night

last night when I was trying to go to sleep, I was faced with a big emptiness

inside. I was doing my normal routine of watching television when getting

ready for meds and then bed time.. The big emptiness kind of crept up

on me, like I wasn't able to understand why

sitting there in bed wasn't really enough.

I was feeling like I wanted someone there - like I wanted to aim for more - and wondered what it

would be like with a partner -- but also I thought about wanting

some kind of occupation and focus..

I realized I could take that focus and make it the action of taking care of myself - and use that

as my mind's occupation - I thought about both Buddhism and Christianity -

in Buddhism your focus is on what you want and what you're thinking about

and chanting for it - it's your responsibility - (this is my laymen's vague understanding but it has worked for me.)

With Christianity I thought about what things mean emotionally - and that really resonated

at that moment - it was like I was connected. I felt comforted and reassured...my heart grew full.

I may be too laser focused in my natural mental state to every have a partner again

but like right now, I've gone to work and come home - and in the emptiness of my home

I'm just becoming depressed and down after the day's work - I need a focus - and I think sometimes those

sad and depressed feelings mascarade in the form of 'a focus' we want or need - filling us up

into blindness of our own state and standing in the way as to how we resolve creatively or resuscitate our lives into

forward moving. I'll take my grandmother's wisdom, that "life is an attitude" - I won't sit

back and accept these feelings but rather I'll take a spin on things to keep forward moving in 

my day. This journal entry really helps..and I'll be talking to my therapist shortly - I definitely

have some things I want to talk to her about.

I hope if life presents some 'down and out' feelings today...that some kind of change in attitude

will help you push through it - on to better things...I'm trying this as my practice today.

Here goes! :-)