about here
Last night I needed to talk to my therapist about developments here at the monastery in Oklahoma. I tried to coordinate with my therapist
unsuccessfully. I wrote the following back to her:
This is what I wrote her when she said she couldn’t talk yesterday :
It’s ok but thank you. I'll be in service at that time. I have to say that I’m realizing if you give people a little bit too much power in the search for your direction in life, they will wind you up and send you out in their choice of direction in the world. This is what happened in my life before and now it kind of feels similar with the elder and him wanting me to become a monk in Oklahoma. I do like it here a lot, I just know that I’ve got the strength to make my own decisions and god please grant me the imagination to direct myself and follow through with the pragmatism and ability that I have. I can’t blame it on others entirely but I’m seeing the pattern.
I can’t tell if this is my reaction of fear of committing and then going to the darkest place but I suppose everyone has a fantasy of how they would see you or like things to be done.And now I am asking myself what do I want in this negotiation and in truth I want to be here in Oklahoma and build this place up in this community. My preference is to do things properly and so I've told the abbess about the fact that I can't eat a plane ticket change, only to then buy another one last minute to get back to Maryland.
I respect their vision, they've gotta respect mine too. :-)
Replies
Big hug sweetie
There is nothing wrong with stating I just can't make a life committment at this time
I have heard what everyone has said to me
Hopefully something like that will let them know to back off
The lovely part of this is how highly everyone thinks of you Marky
Deep breaths sweetie...xo
Thanks Jan! I’m ok with being tonsured. It’s an honor for sure. I’m just frustrated with how they slapdash organized this and now it seems my airline ticket cost will have to be ‘eaten.’ That is big money for me. Not to mention the high cost of a spontaneous new one to get home at another time.
I’ve asked for the consideration of this and so now I’m just meditating for patience.
I would tell them that this is a huge cost for me
It sounds like you have another big life decision to make. Just remember that most people facing big decisions will experience feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. You're not alone. Self-care is so important during times like these. Embrace the reality that you are so wanted, and you make a difference. to many people and Blue.
You do a great job reaching out to those in your support circle when you need help. I hope that your therapist is available soon to help you sort things out. You got this!
Thanks Jan and Susan!! Xx
I had to take a break to consider my thoughts in this possible devastating financial disaster.
There's the financial factor of your well-being, your funds balance, and your ability to maintain your well-being in choosing what feels most level to you in all directions.
You do have strength, as you're able to share this dilemma and know you have support and understanding. You can do this!
Thanks Mid!
It can be difficult to make a huge life decision when facing pressure to go in a certain direction. At this point, do you feel confident that the atmosphere at the OK monastery is right for you? I wonder, because you haven't spent much time there.
They definitely would be fortunate to have you! We'll all be here to support you in whatever decision that you make. Hugs.
Thanks Judy!!’ xxx
one of the side weirds of my wandering ways is folks who want me to break their townie paralysis by winding them up and sending them off in a new direction. i'm not much of a mind reader, so my own preferred directions are the only material i have to wind them up with. in my heart, i believe that helping them relax about wanting a new direction is the best i can hope for. the decision making process is a different step, entirely. prayer and meditation are mighty tools in that step.
for what it's worth
my escape from the throwaway kid camps began with the faith that when an idea is ready to fly, the money to get the idea off the ground will be there. more than half a century later, that leap of faith is still serving me well. money is naught but the wind beneath your wings. putting wind beneath wings that are not ready to fly can break the wings. or? ? ? am i lost in metaphor again?
another for what it's worth
OKC is about 3 and 1/2 hours due north of my farm.