i wonder if my life will b easier if i end this child? i love this child already, but i dont trust my h 2 help or be reliable and i c myself doing this alone. and he doesnt know...theres no stigma for him being the father of children and hes not married to their mother. there is a stigma for me. ill b the unmarried mother of 4 with 2 dif fathers. no one cares that im divorced im still single. i usually dont care what others think...but i guess its me. i think i did something wrong. having my 1st child out of wedlock and the fact that my h doesnt love me enuf to fight for our marriage. that he doesnt love me enuf to change. that he wants me to leave. how did miss that he ws so weak? im angry with him and im also angry with myself for not seeing it coming.

reality is i cant have an abortion. it wldnt make thing easier. it wld add to my guilt and it just might change me for the worse. i wldnt b able to deal with it w/o detaching from it. and i dont think that wldn b positive. id b a dif person. i deal with issues i dont get rid of them.

then id be a coward like him. so even though its hard and im very pissed. its the only decision i can make that i can live with.